Published November 2, 2007
Edited:
This story was going nowhere fast, and I have decided to remove it. Thanks for reading!
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141,697 Literary Works • 675,576 Reviews
"Elena...
Hmm? Huh?
Wake up...
Uh, no thanks. Not interested. I kinda like all this quiet.
I mean it. Get up right now, little lady.
... Mom? Mom, is that you?!
Mom! "
I like this part!
I think it's much better.
“No, really?!” Ada had already gone after them with her powers, whatever they were, and was now holding her hands in pain.
This sentence doesn't tell me anything about what happened. It doesn't make sense. You need to describe what her powers are at this point if she used them.
"It wasn’t until guns started firing again that she ran off again. She turned to blast again, only to find Ada standing in front of the FAS guys. "
You use the word "again" too many times.
"With the big wall of flame headed right for her. Elena cried out, expecting the worst, and brought her hands up into a familiar pose."
What exactly do you mean by "familiar pose"?
"Back when she was normal… or at least, as normal as supers got, her hands had glowed blue when she made shields."
This is confusing for some reason, and I think it's telling, and not showing.
“Well, we better go before they decide to cordon off the building or something.”
I'm not sure "cordon" is a word. Is that a typo?
"They leaped over to the next building, and the next, making their way."
"making their way" doesn't sound right. making their way through what?
Hope this helps!