Youga's Story

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was quite an interesting concept. Not the most original story but it was a really fresh take on the scenario so that's nice to see. The pacing of the character's change of mind though felt like it just moved a little too fast for my tastes. Could be just me of course so I'm not sure. Besides that it flowed quite nicely and the pacing was great.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Run faster! Run FASTER! Youga commanded himself as he ran threw the back alleyways of Arafta. Have to get away!

It’s only a loaf of bread! he thought, still running. You would have thought that I had stolen a brick of gold or something. Ten-year-old Youga was, to put it frankly, scared out of his wits. He was being chased by one of King Andro’s men and that man probably carried a kayka, a gun that turns you inside out. Not very pleasant to say the least.

Home, he reflected. What a joke. My home is a run-down old house that only holds me and my drunken mother. She spends so much money on drink that I have to steal so that we can eat! Then, he came to his house.

“Mother, I’m home! I stole some bread so that we…” he suddenly stopped because he realized that his mother was not alone. Two huge men loomed over her and turned to glare at him when he walked in. These two men looked like typical thugs, big and muscular, one bald, the other with short-cropped hair. However, Youga could see a look of intelligence in their eyes. This scared him more their combined muscle.

“So this settles my debts then?” she inquired hopefully.

“It does,” the one with hair replied. Youga stared at his mother. She couldn’t have… could she? Just then, the thugs grabbed him, shoved him into a car, got in themselves, and shut the door behind them.

“You, and many other boys, are being taken to see if you are a possible candidate for the position of crime lord. One of the current ones is getting old and he wants an heir. Now be quiet and sit down!” So Youga became quiet and sat. He had a lot to think about.

“Hello children!” the man on the raised dais exclaimed. Youga tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. After the car ride, he had been shepherded into this enclosed space with at least a dozen other boys about his age. “Today is your first day competing to be one of the next crime lords. The first test is this… you will all be put into a maze. A man with a kayka will also be in there, with orders to shoot anyone he sees. There will be plenty of places to hide and look around corners. The last two alive will advance to the final round. This will be a test of your cunning, wits, and deception, all of which a crime lord uses on a daily basis. Try your best to survive. Now… go!!” And with that, Youga and the rest of the boys were, once again, rounded up and herded and then pushed into the maze.

Idiot, Youga thought as he watched yet another of his competitors get turned inside out by the fierce man’s kayka. He should have looked around the corner first. Oh well… one less to deal with. Youga was feeling the maze change him. He no longer looked away or shuddered at the victims of the kayka. He no longer cared if they died. Power, he realized. What I want, I need, is power. Then no one will boss me again.

Six hours later, Youga was brought into an arena for the final round. He felt completely calm as the announcer declared that he and the other boy would be fighting to the death. The other boy was a wreck, hands trembling and eyes looking haunted. As Youga took his knife, he felt no fear either. He simply went up to the other boy, who just sat there trembling, and stabbed him through the throat. The boy didn’t even gurgle. He just lied down and died. Youga was declared victor and with a feral grin on his face thought, I will be powerful.

"Youga commanded himself as he ran threw the back alleyways of Arafta."

threw?

"Youga was being chased by a member of the Mage’s Police. Why? Because he had stolen some food from a store and the policeman had seen."

add the word "him" at the end.

I think the fact he stole a loaf of bread is a bit cliche. Maybe come up with something else he stole besides bread.

"Relieved that he was safe, for if you couldn’t see a policeman anymore that meant that they had given up on you, he started to head for home."

There should be a semicolon between "you" and "he". Also, try to avoid using the word "you" in the narrative.

“What is going on?! Where are you taking me?!” Youga screamed at the men, so scared of what was happening that he forgot to be afraid of the two big men.

You just said he was scared. His fear has to include fear of them, since they are ones taking him away.

“You, and many other boys, are being taken to see if you are a possible candidate for the position of crime lord. One of the current ones is getting old and he wants an heir. Now be quiet and sit down!”

I doubt the thugs would explain to him what's going on right away.

"but to his surprise a fierce will to live and instinct took over"

"his instinct" sounds better.

"What I want, I need, is power."

"What I want, what I need is power" sounds better.


Okay. Other than all that stuff above, I found it very easy to read. On some pieces, I have to force myself to read it, and sometimes re-read to figure out what is going on; it's so confusing. Your story isn't like that. Sure there's some awkward parts, but overall very interesting.

I don't know about you, but most villains in my experience don't admit that they commit crimes or that they are evil. What they do seems right to them.

Anyway, this was interesting.