emotion_less

hey there! welcome to yws. it seems like a good idea for a poem, but it's written in a prose-like way. for the bulk and idea of the poem, it ...

I think you have your idea down. However, I think the points you try to get across to the reader are muddled. Some of this, I think, was due to ...

I'm not entirely fond of haikus, but I'll try to help. Wonderful blue sky, 'Wonderful' is a little abstract. Maybe try portraying the blue sky as wonderful instead of outright ...

You always have pretty poems xanthan gum. =) sugar tears - they taste so sweet when melted on teeth I'm not completely sure about this part. It sounded really nice ...

I liked this. I liked the descriptions and (for lack of better way to put it) comemnts you had in here, especially these: the popsicle juice spilling down your chin, ...

Just some comments I noted while I was reading: Everything but him seemed so cheerful and joyous, lit up like the rainbow of Christmas lights... I just wanted to say ...

hehe Exams... aren't they fun? I noticed that you used a lot of adverbs, especially here: Eyes droop wearily, And I squint tiredly, at The tiny words of unfathomable text, ...

Keep in mind that this subject has been done and re-done many times. Try avoiding cliches, especially in these types of poems. "Crimson tears" is a big cliche in this, ...

It's a cool concept that you have here. One I often think about too, what with all these modern teenage "rebels" around now. There were some things that could be ...

It's not that I hate rhyme, it's just that your rhyme, as others said, isn't consistent. Also, you rhythm is very odd in the second stanza. Try to make if ...

Oh please paint me love I don’t know what it looks like 'I don't know what it looks like' seems out of place there. I think it's just the way ...

The tone for this is fitting for the poem and it goes along nicely. Some parts, however, it is a little rough, like this stanza: I make you commendable, Demeanor ...

It's written beautifully... but you should really space it out into paragraph form. It's difficult to read when it's like this. All I have to say is watch out for ...

Yeah... I'm pretty much jealous of you now... :) This line kind of disrupted the mindset of it when I read it: (Which I’ve won, mind you) But... wow... there's ...

The most trouble I ran across this poem was reading it. The rhythm was slightly off, so it was hard to read with flow. Some lines I stumbled over because ...