and it was sweet perfection,
a collection of simple memories.
Don’t you remember?
together among miles of emerald grass,
the popsicle juice spilling down your chin,
our endless games of hide and seek,
running through the yard,
always treasuring the pure joy found in childish laughter.
and just as quickly as the years passed,
the months morphed to December,
every year our New Year’s resolution,
was to be friends forever.
do you remember?
ten years have passed,
(now it’s fall,)
we see each other in the hall,
and I think, we’ve grown apart.
Because these last couple of years,
It’s as if,
we’ve been playing,
an endless game,
of hide and seek.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this. I liked the descriptions and (for lack of better way to put it) comemnts you had in here, especially these:
the popsicle juice spilling down your chin,
our endless games of hide and seek,
and
every year our New Year’s resolution,
was to be friends forever.
I felt that you could have expanded on some other descriptions a little more like you did on those two.
and just as quickly as the years passed,
the months morphed to December,
Here, you can expand a little more on the changing of the months and seasons. Indicate December so that the reader is in the mindset that a few months have passed since the beginning scene.
ten years have passed,
Maybe too specific? Instead of saying that is has been ten years, why not imply a long period of time?
(now it’s fall,)
we see each other in the hall,
Again, maybe this is a little too specific. Try to be more subtle in implying these details.
and I think, we’ve grown apart.
Because these last couple of years,
It’s as if,
we’ve been playing,
an endless game,
I like how you incorporate hide and seek back into this. However, try to rely on the hide and seek theme more than actually telling the reader that the two people have grown apart. For example, "I think we've grown apart" is a blunt line. It tells the reader directly of the relationship between the friends. Try to show hide and seek as how the two have grown apart.
Nice piece. Try to center more around the theme of hide and seek and less around actually telling the reader of drifting apart. Otherwise, I thought this was well done. Keep it up!
No rhythm here. There's rhythm and almost rhyme evevywhere else. It should be all throughout the poem. I think the lines are too long here to sustain the rhythm you had going.
Otherwise, very nice. I think I've heard it before - perhaps TSR?
No need for the commas, by the way.