Hide and Seek

by Zelalem

Published July 26, 2006

and it was sweet perfection,
a collection of simple memories.

Don’t you remember?
together among miles of emerald grass,
the popsicle juice spilling down your chin,
our endless games of hide and seek,
running through the yard,
always treasuring the pure joy found in childish laughter.

and just as quickly as the years passed,
the months morphed to December,
every year our New Year’s resolution,
was to be friends forever.
do you remember?

ten years have passed,
(now it’s fall,)
we see each other in the hall,
and I think, we’ve grown apart.
Because these last couple of years,
It’s as if,
we’ve been playing,
an endless game,
of hide and seek.

Comments & reviews · 3
Random avatar
emotion_less
Review
emotion_less wrote a review Review · Jul 27, 2006

I liked this. I liked the descriptions and (for lack of better way to put it) comemnts you had in here, especially these:

the popsicle juice spilling down your chin,
our endless games of hide and seek,

and
every year our New Year’s resolution,
was to be friends forever.


I felt that you could have expanded on some other descriptions a little more like you did on those two.
and just as quickly as the years passed,
the months morphed to December,

Here, you can expand a little more on the changing of the months and seasons. Indicate December so that the reader is in the mindset that a few months have passed since the beginning scene.

ten years have passed,
Maybe too specific? Instead of saying that is has been ten years, why not imply a long period of time?

(now it’s fall,)
we see each other in the hall,

Again, maybe this is a little too specific. Try to be more subtle in implying these details.

and I think, we’ve grown apart.
Because these last couple of years,
It’s as if,
we’ve been playing,
an endless game,

I like how you incorporate hide and seek back into this. However, try to rely on the hide and seek theme more than actually telling the reader that the two people have grown apart. For example, "I think we've grown apart" is a blunt line. It tells the reader directly of the relationship between the friends. Try to show hide and seek as how the two have grown apart.

Nice piece. Try to center more around the theme of hide and seek and less around actually telling the reader of drifting apart. Otherwise, I thought this was well done. Keep it up!

User avatar
xanthan gum
Review
xanthan gum wrote a review Review · Jul 26, 2006

Don’t you remember?
together among miles of emerald grass,
the popsicle juice spilling down your chin,
our endless games of hide and seek,
running through the yard,
always treasuring the pure joy found in childish laughter.

No rhythm here. There's rhythm and almost rhyme evevywhere else. It should be all throughout the poem. I think the lines are too long here to sustain the rhythm you had going.

Otherwise, very nice. I think I've heard it before - perhaps TSR?

we’ve been playing,
an endless game,
of hide and seek.

No need for the commas, by the way.



The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein