Ok, this is my first try on writing a haiku, hope the syllables are ok.. And hope in this haiku I didn’t miss anything. Feel free to tell me if something is wrong in it, cuz I really want to practice writing haiku’s.
Wonderful blue sky,
Parachute fly high up through
The Clouds of freedom.
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hehehe..may be I just felt like puting it in caps.
glad you liked it.
Thanks.
I liked it
but yes why is clouds capitalised?
miyaviloves
Thanks piepiemann22 for reading it.
Surely haikus are good.
Thanks RR !Yeah i think C can be in small caps too.
Glad u liked it.
-Ani
Yeh, the 'sky' and 'fly' connection was nice, but, as everyone else said, does 'Clouds' have to be capitalised?
All the best,
RR*
I seems to have the meaning of wanting to be free. Thats good. Give all af your pieces meaning if you can. As for a haiku I believe it's very good. They should have meaning like yours does.
Thanks BFG,glad u liked it.
I like it. I like the image of the parachute and that being connected to freedom. It was something different, not the first image that comes to mind with the word freedom. I also liked the 'fly sky' rhyme. The last line reminded me of Bob Marley's Songs of Freedom. Keep trying with the haikus - it's the way to learn.
Cx:Thanks glad u liked it.
Dan:Thanks for the advice and yes limericks are better.
green_river:Thanks for reading it.
And yeah the one u made is good.But I wanted the image of the sky to be there,I wanted the full image of a parachute in a blue sky.
I don't think the line 'wonderful blue sky' really fits in with the rest of the poem. That might just be me, but I don't see any relevance.
Perhaps,
Parachute fly high
up and through the clouds to where
there will be freedom.
Just a thought.
As far as Haikus go, its okay, syllable wise. But, in doing so, you've compromised all vividness, detail, meaning, etc. (GRR! THATS WHY I HATE HAIKUS!!! GRRR!!!)
AHEM. Anyways, its okay, I guess, theres not much to comment on, so I guess the only thing I can say is to try and somehow work in more detail and/or emotion, which I know is hard when your syllables are lacking. Personally, I would go for a limerick, because there are more syllables available. w00t.
This is nice, it feels very open, very clear. I liked the "sky" and "fly" connection also, it's really cool. Good job!
cx
emotion_less:That is a lot of help,I guess u are right about feeling of freedom in this haiku.I'll try to work on it.Thanks.
Cassandra:Thanks for the help.
xanthan gum:Thanks!
I liked how "fly" and "sky" rhymed an all. Gave it another layer. I back Cassandra's question - does clouds have to be capatalized?
Does "Clouds" need to be capatlized in the last line?
Yeah. That's about as much help I can give with a haiku, I guess. They're very hard to crit. I think emotion_less has the right idea, though: try to get the feelings across without actually saying it outright. If that makes any sense.
Hope I helped!
I'm not entirely fond of haikus, but I'll try to help.
Wonderful blue sky,
'Wonderful' is a little abstract. Maybe try portraying the blue sky as wonderful instead of outright saying it.
Overall, I thought it could have been more subtle. Try to get the feeling of freedom across in this haiku, not just by saying the words. I know there are restraints and a strict limit for beats, but I think you can do it. Sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck with this!