Published October 6, 2006
OKay, due to puncuation problems, this post has been editted with the correct poem.
In front of us
Are piles of books
That help us to learn
About what has gone on
Before our time.
We study the past
For that is how
We have gotten here
And even the poorest pilgrims
Have helped to make the world what it is today.
We get the newspaper
Just so as to know
What is going on today.
We watch the news,
So we can keep up to date.
We keep track of the present
So that we can make predictions
About what will happen tomorrow,
Next Month, Next Year,
Or even Next Millennium.
We think about
What will happen tomorrow,
And if it will be for the better
Or for the worse.
We wonder, we wonder.
We look to the future,
Because good things are to come.
And we contribute today because,
We know that this day will become
Just another important day in history.
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Canary word: Present
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There! Is that better?
I would concentrate on punctuation. 30 lines is 30 lines, but add the darn punctuation.
EVERYTHING you have is pretty awesome, but I run out of breath reading it. HELP ME!
TELL ME WHEN TO BREATH, WHEN TO PAUSE, WHEN TO....
well you know.
It sounded pretty nice. Honestly, this whole genre and style is different from what I would write myself, so I don't really have anything to say about major changes. All I have to point out are some grammar things:
This line is kind of long. Maybe you could break it after "world."
This line sounds a bit awkward.
If going to capitalize "Month, Next Year," capitalize "next millennium" too.
Comma after tomorrow.
For effect, you could put a period or a dash after worse.
Comma after "future", period after "come", and comma after "because."
Yeah, that's all I have to point out. Well, I hope I helped in some form or fashion. Once again, it's sounded nice. I liked it. Way 2 Go!!!
So PM me if you have any questions.
***__THELUCKYFLOWER__***
It can only be 30 lines..and its that exactly
hey there! welcome to yws.
it seems like a good idea for a poem, but it's written in a prose-like way. for the bulk and idea of the poem, it fits the style, yet i still don't know if it would really stand out to me as a poem. maybe adding some direct images to the ideas that you have will help make it more noticeable and memorable.
=)
I want to submit it to a contest...should I?