dragonfphoenix

Okay, the rhythm of the lyrics were a little difficult to pick up on. I tried to get a 'mental beat' goin', and I just couldn't swing it with this. ...

I think the only piece of advice I could give would be to mix up the 'manic' a little. For example, most people say "maniacal laughter", not "manic laughter". "Manic" ...

Welcome to YWS! Now, on to the review. I'll reiterate the numbers note, but add the explanation. First of all, grammar says that you're not supposed to start a sentence ...

I would ibid the description comment. What's the room look like? Where is everything? You mentioned sunlight [I seriously just used this example to illustrate a point] but you never ...

That was a very interesting story, but I'm curious if this was speculative in the sense that you were just exploring the concepts of ghosts, or speculative in the sense ...

Wow. That was really good. And I don't typically say that. My eyes are moist that hurts so much. It was vivid, had recurring imagery, and tied Aubrey nicely with ...

Um...okay, that was...interesting. The biggest thing that stuck out to me (after the second sentence) was the large amount of comma splices. -> You write one sentence, you go on ...

That was very interesting, and I couldn't help but like it since I like the name Kira. But there are a few narrative things that I think could be improved. ...

Biggest, glaring thing is the sentence in the middle "Hey I am Harrison. Call me Harry. I was wondering if you were " Um...yeah, that's not a sentence [it's two, ...

Well, I can't say I found anything wrong with your technique. Well-written, really. The only thing I have to say at this point is that the transition to italics left ...

That opening sentence is really awkward. I had to reread it a few times to understand exactly what you were saying. It's just a little too wordy and hard to ...

Wow, there's a lot to be improved here. Well, let's get started. First, you need to capitalize EVERYTHING that should be capitalized. Your first word isn't even capitalized! Major boo-boo. ...

Very nice job with your 'grades are not the only thing in life' poem. The only thing I didn't like was that first "4", but then that probably has some ...

All right, I like the idea. Sort of; it's not my normal cup of tea. But a few of the people sorta sound distinct, yet forced. My advice? Take ready-made ...

Okay, a few things. First of all, with the dialogue, you need to put commas into some of the places to make it flow better. Even if the character speaks ...