E - Everyone

A Halloween I'll Never Forget

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“Hey, Eddie! Wait up!” came a voice from across the schoolyard.

Eddie stopped by the school gate and turned around. He was of average height, light brown skin, brown eyes and black hair. He saw his lifelong friend Kyle, running across the schoolyard towards him. Kyle was a tall, skinny boy, with light brown skin, brown eyes and black hair.

When Kyle had finally caught up with Eddie, he breathed hard with his hands on his knees, in an effort to catch his breath. Before Kyle could open his mouth to get any words out, Eddie had already started walking out of the school gate. Before he could get too far, Kyle grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around, so that they were facing each other.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kyle asked with a surprised look on his face.

“Nothing, why?” Eddie answered looking slightly aggravated.

“Well after the last bell you just stormed right out of the door, when Carmen called you.”

At the sound of that name Eddie began to blush because he had a huge crush on a girl named Carmen Sanders. Carmen was one of the cutest girls he had ever seen. She had light colored skin, light brown eyes and long, luscious jet black hair.

“Oh wow really? Do you know what she wanted?”Eddie asked quite shyly

Kyle, who was looking rather amused, answered slowly,

“Yeah she wanted to invite you to her Halloween party.”

“I better go talk to her then.”

“There’s no need.”

“Why?” Eddie asked beginning to look worried.

“She already gave the invitation to someone else.”
At these words, Eddie gave a little sigh and his face showed his disappointment

“Yeah as a matter of fact I do, she gave it to me to give to you.”

At these words, Eddie’s face went from disappointed to a grin with great joy. Kyle reached in to his pocket and pulled out a Halloween invitation that had Eddie’s name on it.

“Thanks man you’re a true friend.” Eddie said with a huge grin on his face.

“Yea I know.” Kyle replied

“Take it easy man.” Eddie said as he walked out the school gate, with a huge grin on his face.

“You too man I’ll catch you later.” Kyle said as he too walked out of the gate in the opposite direction.

As Eddie began his walk home he thought to himself that this party could be his chance to ask out Carmen, the girl he thought was the girl of his dreams. After a little while he had finally reached his front gate. He was just about to open it when he heard a voice come from across the street.

“Yo, Eddie! What’s up?”

Eddie turned around and saw his friend Chris sitting on his porch. Chris was a short kid and a little chubby, but overall he was a pretty cool kid. He had light skin blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Nothing much C.” Eddie replied as he crossed the street.

“What’s good with you?” Eddie said as he opened the gate to Chris’ house.

“Same old, same old.” Chris replied.

“Anything happen to you today?” Chris asked Eddie as he sat down in the chair next to him.

“Nothing really, but I did get invited to Carmen’s Halloween party.”

“Really, it so happens that I did too, well everyone in our grade did.” Chris said smiling at Eddie.

“Nice! So you’re going right?” Eddie asked with a little grin on his face.

“You’ll see me there for sure, Chris said yawning and beginning to stretch.

“You’re going right?” Chris asked still stretching.

“You know it, but I have to ask my parents first.”

“If you’re lucky, they might say yes.”

“I hope so man,” Eddie said as he arose from the chair he was sitting in.

“Well I’m going to get going so I can get the yes or no, and I’ll see you later.”

“Ok man, see you later.” Chris said he got up from his chair and went into his house.

Eddie walked of Chris’ porch down the steps, through the gate, across the street to his front gate, opened it, walked up to his front door, unlocked it and went in. To his surprise, he was the only one home. He went into the kitchen, turned on the light and saw a plate of food wrapped up for him on the table with a little note on it. Eddie walked over to the table and grabbed the plate of food and headed upstairs to his room. When he got to his room, he threw his bag on the floor, sat on his bed, took the note of the plate of food and read it to himself. It read “We went to the movies, and we’ll be back late, Love mom” Eddie put the note on the dresser next to him and ate the food. After finishing the food, he started his homework and once he finished that, he rewarded himself with watching TV. After a few hours he had gotten tired and decided to get in the shower, and while he was in the shower he thought he heard his family come home but he wasn’t quite sure. After getting out the shower he put on some shorts and a t-shirt and went down stairs to get something to drink. To his surprise, he found his mother doing the dishes.

“Hi mom,” Eddie said as he grabbed a soda from the refrigerator.

“Hi honey.” She replied still doing the dishes.

“Did you just get home?” Eddie asked as he opened the soda can and took a sip waiting for an answer.

“Yea we got in when you were in the shower.” She replied as she dried the last of the dishes.

“Where are Dad and Ryan?” Eddie asked finishing up the soda.

“They went out for a drive and is your homework done?” She said as leaned on the sink with her arms folded.

“Yeah it is mom, and what movie did you guys go to see?”Eddie replied leaning on the refrigerator.

“We saw Super Man Returns.”

“Was it good?” Eddie asked throwing the can away and sitting down at the kitchen table.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review · Sun May 17, 2015 2:54 pm

Hi!!! Romantic Writer 92!!
This is Eros here!
I loved the piece.It was Really great.I loved the way you desribed every character Eddie,Kyle,Carmen,Chris every one.



"He was of average height, light brown skin, brown eyes and black hair. He saw his lifelong friend Kyle, running across the schoolyard towards him. Kyle was a tall, skinny boy, with light brown skin, brown eyes and black hair."

I loved this style.It was really unique and romantic teen fiction.Though it was a fiction, it sounded real.The touch of reality came from the beautiful way in which you expressed it.

Continue writing....I love your stuff.I enjoy reading them.

User avatar
Renard
Review
Renard wrote a review · Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:12 am

Ok... your descriptions are very basic, but this kind of works I suppose: 'Kyle was a tall, skinny boy, with light brown skin, brown eyes and black hair. ' You could bear in mind that it is possible for writers to use a bit more sophisticated language, but this all comes with style and finding yourself artistically which takes time, and practice. This piece is definitely an early work.
What worked well? The dialogue - it's very natural and conversational, easy to read and engaging.
What needs improving? The proportion of dialogue to prose. Now, in professional writing of novels and short stories and stuff, the amount of dialogue should be greater than that of the prose, however... bar the opening, you have almost NO descriptive passages here!
“Was it good?” Yes! You have captured the essence of what a short story should be. You obviously know your characters well and are keen to show this to the reader.

Thanks for letting me know.

...Huh?
Wh...What the heck just happened?
I thought this was a romantic story...when it's just a guy having a conversation with random people about a party. Why doesn't he ever actually speak to the girl? Why isn't there a flash forward to the party, I mean, why the hell does it end with him asking his mom what she thought of Super Man!

This is very...elementary, I'm sorry, but this just does nothing for me. The characters are boring, the plot is short lived and doesn't go any where, and this shouldn't even be under romance just because he has a crush on a girl. In a romance, there needs to be interaction and chemistry between the couple or else you're just throwing it out there randomly, and it's not taken seriously.

Also, after the part about the party, you just started random rambling about absolutely nothing, and ended on absolutely nothing! And then there's the grammar. Oh dear God, that was even worse. There's places where you forgot the quotation marks and periods, then the run off sentences and fragments and-
I saw that you wrote this a few years ago...I hope that you have improved from this...a lot.

~Maddie

Like I mentioned in the description, this is only the beginning so none of the romance happens until later. As for the grammar I know its bad, I wrote it when I was in middle school cut me some slack. Thanks for your review though.

And that's where the problem is. Many people, even though it doesn't seem like it, don't really look at the description, they look at the name, the genre, and decide whether or not it seems like something that would intrigue them. I take this from experience, as I've had people ask me something that was explained in the sentence long description.

If you know it's not that good, than revise it, look at it again and fix it until you can't find any issues. That's my advise

You're welcome

There's a difference between giving constructive criticism and being rude.

I'm not trying to be rude, far from it actually. If that's what it comes off as, I apologize.

I'm just trying to share some of the knowledge I've gained over the past few years, nothing more

Okay, a few things. First of all, with the dialogue, you need to put commas into some of the places to make it flow better. Even if the character speaks in run-ons, you should still put a comma there (because people will tolerate comma splices over fused sentences in quotes). Also, “Yeah as a matter of fact I do, she gave it to me to give to you.” is a very awkward sentence. What is that even supposed to mean [the first part]? Where did that come from? What is the 'matter of fact' Kyle's referring to?
Last thing: with your dialogue, if the same character says it, you keep it in the paragraph. Don't start a new one unless the computer auto-formats it into a new line (which still isn't the same thing).
Example:
"Hi, Mom," Bobby said, walking through the front door.
"What's for dinner?"
"I'm making alphabet soup," his mom replied.
"It will be ready in a little bit."
"Oh, okay," Bobby said.

Got it?
Hope this helps!



Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi