Chasing after Dreams Chapter 1: Tall, New, Handsome
Have you ever met the most handsome teenage male ever? I did. This hot new guy’s no ordinary New Kid. Harrison Crow has just became hottest of the hot at Frederick Carlisle Prep. He has gorgeous blue eyes, short bouncy blond curls, dimples, and a laser-white smile. Who couldn’t want more? Surly, Beatrice Smith might ask this hot boy out. But, she prefers royals over total down-to-earth people. Beatrice and I are totally opposites. She’s popular. I am sort of. She has hazel eyes. I have gray. She has no zits, blackheads, or any other acne bumps. I do. She has blonde hair. I have auburn. It’s a pretty long list but we could leave it at that. Harrison smiles at some girls I barely know and checks his phone. How could he get buddies so quickly?? His cute new brand name Polo top was loose and went to his thighs. His skinny jeans weren’t hanging loose like those ugly guys who hit on me all the time. He looked innocently fresh. I drew hearts in my bio notebook with his initials and mine in it until Mr. Geoffry came in and turned on his Ipad Mini. “Good morning,3E,” He said gruffly. A wife and 5 children made his life over. The man was a psycho con man back in the 90’s. He flirted to my mother. Now, he settled down with a lawyer who just loves children. I guess she was so hot, he worked at a school to impress her. “Today is my birthday so we have a 15-minute break period. First, lets start with…..” I drifted off at that moment. I stared at my new crush. He was beaming at me. I blushed and turned away. It’s like his face is gonna blind me. Then the boy passed me a note. I turned toward him. He did not even signal me to send it to anyone. SCOORE! Then I unfolded the yellowish paper and read:
Hey I am Harrison. Call me Harry. I was wondering if you were
Saturday night?
I beamed at the note and threw it in the pocket of my new white GAP jeans. “Ms.Operl? Something wrong?” Mr.Geoffry said quietly. “ No siree!” I said all preppy.
I smiled at my BFF Jane as she opened her locker. “Stalker much?” She said opening her new purple pencil case. “Hey Jaaane,” I said all childish. She sighed at her locker’s insides and closed it. “ Cami, what is your deal?” She asked annoyed. Jane is a ticked-off sultry girl. Brown long hair. Beautiful blue eyes. All designer clothing. No homo. “ Well, Harrison just asked me out!!!” I said loud enough for all of FCP to hear. “ The new guy? I heard he was a player.” Jane walked to the café. “Jay! I am full-on dead serious!” I followed her to the café. It smelled of biscuits, coffee, whipped cream, and chocolate. This place was meant for kids who hate the school lunch schedule. Jane loved the sad poetry sessions that is reserved at 6:00PM. I wonder sometimes how she became my best friend back in Pre-K. “Cam, I am too. I don’t like New Kids. No one does,” Jane retorted. I pursed my lips. Jane loved this new kid back in 6th grade. What was that emo guy’s name? Percy Aero. She loved him. “ You love Percy Aero back in the 6th! He looked like a hot vampire. So that’s why you were on team Edward?” I pointed out. Jane smirked. “ So smart now eh, Cami?” I giggled. But then, this was all happening so fast. Harrison Crow just came here and I don’t know him well. Now he wants me his date.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,242 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
Hello! I've come to be more nosey for Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy
First things first, the things I liked;
“He has gorgeous blue eyes, short bouncy blond curls, dimples, and a laser-white smile.” - Fantastic description! Straight to the point and showing the reader what you imagine your character to look in your mind. Just what I wanted
I like the relationship you've created between Cami and Jane. It's charming.
And now onto constructive criticism;
Paragraphs! I've been nagging about them all day. You need to separate your ideas in to easy, breezy chunks. At the moment, it looks a little daunting to dive into which Is why many will click on this and then click straight off.
“Surly, Beatrice Smith might ask this hot boy out. But, she prefers royals over total down-to-earth people.” - needs to be 'surely'.
“He flirted to my mother.” - he flirts with my mother.
You need a new line when a new person is speaking.
Good luck & keep writing!
Olive <3
Biggest, glaring thing is the sentence in the middle "Hey I am Harrison. Call me Harry. I was wondering if you were " Um...yeah, that's not a sentence [it's two, and then a fragment]. I got to that point and was like, "if you were...if you were...what the crud? Where's the rest of it?" Also, "Harrison Crow has just became" should be "has just become".
Note on FantasyWriter's review \/. Those sentences he called fragments ("I stared at my new crush. He...") are not fragments. The are complete sentences, but his point was valid that you could combine them for easier reading flow. All right, my Grammar conscious is soothed.
Back to the writing, "Surly, Beatrice Smith might ask this hot boy out." Don't you mean "Surely"? Otherwise you're calling Beatrice 'surly', which might not be too far off the mark with a name like that.
When you talk about Mr. Geoffrey after he greets the class, I was just like "??? What happened to the reading flow? And what does 'He flirted to my mother' even mean? He flitted to her, or he flirted with her?"
So those are some of the major things that stuck out to me.
Hope this helps!
Hello! Fantasy here with a review for you!
First off, you should start a new paragraph every time someone else starts to talk, otherwise it gets really confusing and jumbled together, and you really don't want that.
You also have a few sentence fragments, that could be combined with others, to make them flow more and read easier. For example, towards the end of the first paragraph, you have, "I stared at my new crush. He was beaming at me. I blushed and turned away."
Maybe instead you could write something like, "I turned to stare at my new crush, and when I saw him beaming at me I had to turn away because I was blushing."
In the last paragraph you have, "Jane loved this new kid back in 6th grade. What was that emo guy’s name? Percy Aero. She loved him. “ You love Percy Aero back in the 6th!...." This just repeats itself and the first time she mentions it, she just be saying it, OR thinking it. Otherwise it doesn't seem to flow very well.
You have a few spelling and grammatical errors, like in the sentence, "Harrison Crow just came here and I don’t know him well. Now he wants me his date."
Between the 'him' and 'well' in the first sentence you should have a 'that' or 'very'. The last sentence just doesn't make any sense at all and you should rewrite it.
I think that sums it up for my review, except for me telling you to keep writing because you're doing a good job.