Hi everyone, this is a poem I have just written, mainly reflecting on the AS grades everyone in England has been obsessing about over the past few weeks. Enjoy!
(Edit; to those asking, the '4 As' refer to the top grade for AS exams in my country.)
.
.
4 As
Sweat and work
Ink on a page
9 till 5
When I’m of age
I cease being alive
In front of a screen
Trapped in a cage
.
Get married,
Have kids,
Have fun.
Retire,
Be free.
And look back.
To see if I’ve made the grade.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
I like this, it's simple, but I think it could have just a little bit more.
I also think that you could have ended with "lay down and die" or something XD just to give it a taste of satire.
I don't really like how you formatted it. I think there will be a more effective way to lay out this poem (while still keeping it the same. Just something to help guide the eye. At the moment it looks a bit sparse, I feel like it is just dots on a page, I want my eye to be guided in through the poem. This may be done but arranging it differently or even adding some more.
I feel like the first paragraph could be developed more. The trapped part, the screen part, the ink part, I just wan't to have it all relate together, if you understand what I mean.
Good work in the following aspects. Certainly capturing a sense of satire, the irony of grades, how in the end it doesn't matter and ultimately, no one is going to look back and care about their school grades once they retire.
I like the simplicity even though I want more I feel it works though
Add one more line to the second paragraph to balance it out, maybe that die thing i said, dunno.
Hey! Great Piece. Frankly speaking I started reading and this poem seemed amazing. It was only when I started reading the second stanza I lost interest. I only liked the first stanza. It really was amazing.
I love the lines
"Ink on a page
9 till 5
When I’m of age
I cease being alive"
Coming on negative traits, you need to put a full stop and a comma where necessary. Example:-
4 As,
Sweat and work.
Ink on a page,
9 till 5.
When I’m of age,
I cease being alive.
In front of a screen,
Trapped in a cage.
Get married,
Have kids,
Have fun.
Retire,
Be free,
And look back.
To see if I've made the grade.
The second stanza was a bit dull and boring. You started off writing well and you started talking about kids which kind of seemed weird to me. A funny and a great poem I must say. Great work. Needs Improvement then it be great,
THNKX
.
I know my punctuation is awful! Thanks for the two reviews
Welcome. Could you please review my poem "The rain knocks on my window" ?
This was really good.
The only real problem I have is that I have no idea what the "A's" refer to. I have nothing to do with any sort of school system whatsoever, and even when I did I was to young to remember.
Also, I personally believe that you should add some punctuation, but really in poetry that boils down to preference, and it is not for everyone. If it's not for you that's okay, I was just making a suggestion.
I thought that the rhythm was catchy, and I have to admit I laughed a little. This was a fun read, since I constantly feel like that. (Being homeschooled, I do a lot of my work on my computer, using it for video lessons, research, writing, and adding that to managing my online social life and being on YWS I'm literally online for hours a day.) I'm definitely am in front of a screen, trapped until I complete my work.
All-in-all, I thought that you did a very good job.
Very nice job with your 'grades are not the only thing in life' poem. The only thing I didn't like was that first "4", but then that probably has some significance that I don't get [sorry, I don't follow American education, let alone English educational systems, so that's probably why].
Hope this helps!