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Re: DEAR MUM
My main problem was the repetion of 'Mum' couldn't you start a stanza differently? It is powerful, but not as powerful to me. You also have the title all in ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Forgiveness
Erm... right... Okay this really is far too long! There is no puncuation. Worsely it's 'poor me' You except us to feel sorry you murdered your wife or lover? That's ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Shadows
I can't believe I'm gonna say this Brad, but I wasn't much a fan of this. It could of been the disjointedness. Or just I plain have not got a ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: A River
Hmm, I really like this poem, my problems with it is no puctuaction and you love using hyphens. I admit I've a fondness for them, but commas are well and ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: A Pierced Heart
Love blossoms like a rose, (Too cliche, why can't a Dandelon represent love?) And as it twists and turns; (Just what it needed, it flows better now!) It is tested. ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: War
Yes, I'm against war too, but this brings nothing new to that table. Worse of all it's mostly telling, you've taken to wide an idea. Which basically kills the poem. ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: She Hides Behind Her Smile
Hmm, you lack major fundamental needs like metaphors and imagery. It does get across it's point but ya go on and on. Really, my advice would to post this in ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Fortnight
An intresting poem, I think I understand, my favourite line was 'fortnight of curiosity' but overall you use a bit too much repeatition. And this is 'poor me' and navelgazing, ...
Apr 19, 2008 -
Re: Ancient Lies (Chapter one, part two)
Okay, a lot has to be done to this, I mean a lot. Sela awoke in a familiar place. But it wasn’t the kind of familiar you feel when you ...
Apr 18, 2008 -
Re: Change for an old soul
Firstly, if you're not gonna bother punctating your poem then less people will review it. Next I felt nothing from this. No need to feel any emotions. Now this poem ...
Apr 18, 2008 -
Re: Promises Not Kept (Part Two of Three)
In all honesty this moved too fast... You have no indication that it's flashbacks and I just had to force myself to keep reading. I also thought the main character ...
Apr 18, 2008 -
Re: Glass wall
It's as if everything was so different. A look in the mirror revealed so much, his eyes red, beat up, sharp, angered. His hand in a fist, he couldnt do ...
Apr 15, 2008 -
Re: Tears
Gadi got most of it. This is the second 'poor me' poem I've seen posted. You know why I hate these, because half the time when I read them, I ...
Apr 15, 2008 -
Re: Gaara
Talk about driving your point home... He's lonely we get it :P. Now for critique this isn't a poem I'm afraid. Poem use imagery, metaphors and other langauge techniques. This ...
Apr 15, 2008 -
Re: My Souls Wanderings
Hmm, I feel this poem links more ideas than needed. You should concentrate on one or two. Also some of it seems forced. You're metaphors seemed to get more forced ...
Apr 15, 2008
