Published April 15, 2008
Its as if everything was so different
A look in the mirror revealed so much
his eyes red, beat up, sharp, angered.
His hand in a fist, he couldnt do anthing
All he could do was watch.
The tensness of his body scared him, yet..
it made him feel better inside.
Could he go back?...no...it was to late.
he turned around and looked at the car.
Shatterd..detroyed..
and throught the window you could see them
his 5 best friends, gone..how you may say..
dead?
he turned back around to the mirror, shattering
his looks...
his feeling...
and by 12, the police noted
6 dead.
but what they didnt understand
how did one get the mirror through his heart?
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Canary word: Present
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Hi smilefreak and welcome to YWS! Just so you know, you're supposed to review 2 things before posting one, so do four reviews before your next poem/story.
Well, Rick got quite a few of the grammatical errors, so I won't go over it, although you should definitely proofread. Perhaps typing in Word first would help get some errors.
Anyway, I think you have an interesting premise here, but your punctuation is really taking away from it. You have ellipses all over the place and not all your sentences have periods. I'd try re-writing it as if it were normal prose.
Also, is he inside or outside of the car? You have images that imply both, so perhaps you could make this clearer.
On another grammatical note, you should write out the numbers since a) they're under ten and b) it helps the flow. Also, I would replace 12 with "midnight" or "noon", whichever you meant.
This was pretty good. You had some good images, but they would have more impact if you cleaned up the poem some more. Keep writing!
Wow this is good, I really enjoyed reading your poem.
Wow Christine this was really good. Really interesting and just plain awesome. Rick, above, is a good friend of mine so yea.... Anyway i wish i could write poetry like this. But mine come out like stories apparently... Anyway see ya in school buddy.
Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. So, go crit some people's work before posting another one of yours. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.
Bye.
-Rick.
The crit: I liked this. I like the rhythm and choice of words. I do want to point point pout spelling errors.
It's is the correct way to write it.
Couldn't is the correct way to write it. Also, "anthing" needs a "y" in it. It should look like "anything".
For "to", you need an extra "o" for it. It should look like "too"
You're missing an "S" in "detroyed" it should look like "destroyed"
You ned an apostraphi in "didnt" it should look like "didn't"
I don't really understand what you mean by the last line though.
That's really confusing. Other than that, good work. I hope this helps and keep up the good work.
-Rick.
This is a rather intresting poem. I've corrected the spelling for you. There a lot more to be fixed. You need to look at this with a fine tooth comb. I like the idea. Just concentrate on grammar and changing what I recommended. Overall: I like it.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Les Misérables - I Dreamed A Dream
via FoxyTunes
I can't crit grammitcally in poetry so I am not going to try. I take it this survivor did indeed kill himself because of guilt.
I think there are to many questions in the poem but I dont crit poetry very well
Now I did like the poem. It grabbed my attention subconsiously on the homepage, I for somereason scrolled and was on yours. I liked what I read. I allso think you do what I do and use too many (...)s. Otherwiswe you have a really good poem there. For further crits you may want some of the more senior members
Church