A river – slowly, silently – dying
Its cries for help can not be heard, for no one listens
No one wishes to hold out a helping hand
They all turn there backs, block their ears and close their eyes
Not wanting to accept the fact that it is ever vanishing
That they are the ones to blame for its suffering
The river struggles to breathe, choked by human greed
They expect to live off the water
Although they do not know that you can not receive what you do not give
There is ever talk of saving the precious waters but –
How can you save something that is lost?
A river – slowly, silently – dying
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,785 Reviews
I didn't really get where this poem was going. Is it an enviromental-type thing, or a metaphor for something else? The lack of topic detract from the piece, which, in itself, was quite nice. Though you might not want to use your title as the first line. It doesn't really discribe the whole poem.
I enjoyed reading this poem. It's really good. Keep uo the good work!
I enjoyed your ending a lot. But that spelling error with "there" instead of their and some of the wording, most of which has been commented on before, makes the piece a little rough to read. But still, I would consider this to be a good poem.
Why did I think of Earth day when I read this?
I really didn't like it. I don't know why, I just think if you were to look hard enough, you'd find something out there that sounds just like this.
To bring it to life, I think you should've added more... personality. Like maybe from the rivers point of view? Maybe more imagery and emotion. I believe this has potential, but it really isn't anything right now. That's my honest opinion, sorry if I'm insulting you or being too harsh.
The river metaphor is good, but after that, I see nothing. You put lots of adjectives, but you're just Telling me, not Showing me.
The first and last line, I agree, are a nice touch. But, I think you should elaborate more on this.
It is a nice little poem. I like it a lot.
I spotted a typo:
Just change it to "their." I like the personification of the river in the seventh line. I agree with everyone else's suggestions. Keep writing!
~Jamie
Hey there.
When I read this poem, I felt that it went off in all directions and there really wasn't anything exciting about it.
How exactly does a river cry? I don't see any metaphors to show that.
Who's hand?
From what?
In what way is the river vanishing? And how is the river suffering?
You need to be more specific as to why the river is in the state that it's in. The ideas right now are far too general and hold little interest to the reader. It's not even a poem at the moment, it feels like a speech. Where are the poetic techniques + prose?
That should be enough for you to think about at the moment.
Andy.
Hmm, I really like this poem, my problems with it is no puctuaction and you love using hyphens. I admit I've a fondness for them, but commas are well and good. The way I see this is it's split to two stanzas. I shall show:
Another thing I don't like is the ending being same as the beginning. Instead change it. You know you could make this about the Aral Sea, that's dying because of Humans. Or the Sahara, once a great sea.
Overall: This poem is wonderful, just fit in puncuation and maybe explain how the humans are killing it. Otherwise this turns into another preachy poem. I like the basis now draw on the idea, make it better.
Good luck
VSN
alleycat13: thanks so much, I will make that change. I understand what you mean about making it rhyme a bit more but I was trying to go for the free verse idea. But now that I have continued to write poetry I have found that they flow better when you use rhyme. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work.
something euclidean: thank you for your critique of my work, I do appreciate it and it will better my poetry skills in the future. I understand what you mean about forced rhyme making the words lose their effect, that it why there was hardly any rhyme in this poem because at the time I couldn't write rhyme without it sounding cheesy... I am getting a bit better now though.
Thanks
Imagery/metaphor/figurative language are more central to making something more like poetry and less like prose with linebreaks, though if you're up to rhyme and rhythm certainly, go for it! Even if you don't use them all the time they are invaluable tools for getting a sense of language ... the only pitfall is forced rhyme and rhythm.
This poem could be very interesting if it were told from the river's point of view, or if it got closer in to the particulars and showed the pollution, showed the greed of people, showed how the river is dying and crying out. But it just tells about these things, and I feel like the moral of the story is being pounded into my skull. Doesn't cut the ice. Poetry can have a message, but it shouldn't be preachy. I should be able to read the poem for the language, even if I don't agree with the message.
this line is the closest to what you need to do; you're telling us the river is something living so make it come alive on the page. I want to see the river move and slosh and spread its watery fingers and feel it cringe at the oil from motorboats and writhe uncomfortably.I hope this explaination of imagery is helpful to you.
It's simple, and not overly poetic, but it's true.
It should be "cannot". It's one word. It happens again later too.
The repetition of the first and last line is a nice touch.
For your next writing, you should try a rhyme scheme or use a rhythm pattern. That way it will be more poetic and less prose-like.
It's a good start! Happy writing to ya!