She Hides Behind Her Smile

I liked it.

For me, it's almost like, A SONG. wow. You should put music to this. It's really nice.

Good work! Keep writing!

Hmm, you lack major fundamental needs like metaphors and imagery. It does get across it's point but ya go on and on. Really, my advice would to post this in lyrics. I posted song lyrics once and this all meets criteria, but rather than being heart-felt or amazing. Really, to the most part seemed like some mainstream pop artist attempt to sympathise with the fans. Which is a no. You want us to feel sorry for ya, 'poor me' so what. You show trite ideas not once show us them. They're not evolved or shown to us, you're all tell. Whereas imagery and and other langauge techniques would show this, you instead go on and noto nly don't do this but bash us on the head with proverbial fish. Overall: The layout is more lyrics, but the triteness still affects it there, so rewrite this with some imagery and metaphors and post in lyrics. Send me a pm, I'd look at it. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

Good poem, repeating will sometimes work, and sometimes not, this time it did not.

Well I for one liked the repetition.

This poem meant a good deal to me, because knowing someone who has been in depression kinda put me in a state of depression also for a time. I think you did a good job explaining what that's like. The repetition adds to the whole depressive tone. The idea that every day is just the same as the day before. And then at the end how it just goes on down the line--another chain.

Perhaps I'm reading into this wrong, but that is just what I got out of it, and I liked it.

This poem could be really effective if you add any metaphors, imagery, etc. Granted it could use a little tidying up at some parts, keep working on it.

But it's good. Keep writing!

Ditto (of all the above). Good poem. Adios !

repetition spoils it there was not really a need as said, but a nice piece!

I agree with the above - though apart from some reperats it was very good

i agree with the above. don't repeat unless it really makes sense. the second time you said this: was unneeded because you already said it.

"We nodded hello and walked on by
Without question, without wonder"

…we nod hello and walk on by
Without question, without wonder…
…is she like me?

Alone?
Afraid?
Tears falling and smile strong?



this is access information you can have it but you'd do fine and better without it. if you took it out it would be okay. see below for an example.


She told another lie today,
She lied with her smile,
We nodded hello and walked on by,
Without question, without wonder

This girl’s alone,
This girl’s afraid,
This girl’s tears,
This girl’s smile
Hides it all from the people around

With head held high
And smile stretched wide
Her eyes filled with tears
Just waiting to fall


We’re not alone,
We’re still afraid,
Our tears fall and
Our smile fades…

We hide behind our smile,
In the hopes
That no one knows
What lies behind.



hope this helps

selena

Like niteowl said, it was repetitive and vague. I found the repetition didn't do anything for the poem, because it didn't take on any new meaning as the poem progressed. I felt you were stuck in the same rut throughout the piece and therefore so is the reader.
It would work better if you were more specific. Give us details about this girl. As a character, she's very much a cliche, a cardboard cut-out. This is a worn-out topic, so if you want to approach it you need an original vision and especially a meaty character. Help the reader visualise it with imagery. As I was reading, I had no special sense of the situation you wanted me to see.

Very true.

Not too keen on the repitition though.

I admire what you are trying to bring across.

Good work.

Peace V

The first and third stanzas were pretty good, but the rest was just overly repetitive and vague.

Just out of curiousity, was this supposed to be a song? Because a)that would explain the repetition and b) this isn't the Lyrics forum.

If this is a poem, not a song, then the 2nd and fourth stanzas need to be cut. It doesn't flow well and it takes away from the picture you paint in the first and third.

To improve upon this, I would add to your images to make them more interesting. Where is this girl? Where are "we"? Who are "we"? Do we know the girl? Why is the girl so upset that she needs to hide? Are "we" also hiding (implied at the end)? Why?

These are a lot of questions, so you don't necessarily have to work them all in. I'm just trying to give you some ideas. Keep writing!

I really liked this. I liked how you described a girl who's facing depression but hides it with fake happiness. Excellent rhythm. In the beginning, cut out "Convinced". It kind of throws rhythm off a bit. Also, I'd like to point out a small error with your chorus:

This girl’s alone,
This girl’s afraid,
This girl’s tears,
This girl’s smile
Hides it all from the people around

I liked this but you didn't need to repeat the same stanza. It shows an emotion of a someone that has no self-confidence and hides it. Alot fo grils in the world need to read this poem. I like your depth