A Pierced Heart

wow. that's really good. Its short, at least compared to how I write, but its good.
Thing is, while reading the poem, I was relating to it quite well. In the past I've writen a couple different poems kinda like that. Or, at least about the same general topic. Well done

brillant! really like it, has that punch or not punch but more like an oof, I dont know the word for it. oh well keep writing!

I LOVE the poem! It's really beautiful! Very descriptive, too

I really love this poem and I don't think it's cliche at all. Your use of imagery was incredible as was your word choice. The ending was perfect and it sort of left me hanging, in a good way, because I wanted more. Keep writing.

Hey. That sounded kind of dark to me, and it was totally awesome, not that I'm a dark person or anything. I could totally picture the whole thing. Kudos.

So, what you've got here is a perfectly good poem...that "rambles". "Rambles" in the sense of the word that it talks about nothing.

Why do I think so?

First, you talk about love being a rose, which is twisted and turned, to be tested. Tested to make sure it doesn't break, you mean? And then, you completely bomb us with this picture of the "fledgling world" as it "explodes". Which has nothing to do with a sword being thrown to pierce the heart of something, "spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire/Over the carpet of devotion and desire"? Psh. Start working on muddled metaphors, dude.

Here's a liner by liner:

Love blossoms like a rose,

"Love ... rose" is way too cliche. (And you don't even explain it either!)

And it twists and turns;

What? Twists and turns? So you are saying love is also twisted and turned? Why?

It is tested.

Tested? What?

But then, as the fledgling world explodes

I've already said: This image is completely hazardous and confusing, and you'd do much better without it, in my opinion. It's one of your weaker ones, and plus it's a stupid transition.

With brilliant light,

So you just decide to stick two lines about a world exploding with a bunch of light and just leave it uncared for? That's evil. That's like leaving your babies on the side of the road.

A sword is thrown.

When did you get the sword in here? And how can a sword be "thrown"? You mean thrusted, maybe?

Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,

A sword IS a dagger. When you say that "swords" are like daggers because they both pierce the heart, it makes the reader truly infuriated. And where the hell did the heart come from?

Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire

Why devotion and desire? You never ONCE mentioned them. And this is truly Telling Not Showing.

Over the carpet of a tainted soul.

Sorry, but in my opinion, this line is completely not genius. It's rather annoying.

Overall, this was bad. On first read, the language was fruitful, luxiurious, flowing, beautiful--you have a nice knack for words and thinking up metaphors. However, this poem was mostly infested with metaphors, which was the one major root for its downfall. If you stuck with the "rose" throughout the entire poem, and have no other metaphors you discuss, then this poem would have been loads better. So I'm saying this has potential, but you're just deciding to kill every single metaphor you use by limiting it to one or two lines instead of the full nine.

hmm. change NOTHING.

haha, that's all the advice i have for this poem.

and the carpet thing...genius.

nice.

Hey Timea, I've already talked to you about it on MSN. Here is a little critique of it on here.

I already said the first line is cliche; why a rose?

And it twists and turns;
It is tested.

But then, as the fledgling world explodes
With brilliant light,
A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,

Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul.

PsychicNinja wrote:Love blossoms like a rose, (Too cliche, why can't a Dandelon represent love?)
And as it twists and turns; (Just what it needed, it flows better now!)
It is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes (Hmm, try another word here, instead of explode.)
With brilliant light, (Try shine)
A sword is thrown. (I think dagger would be more effective here)
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart, (And it's now a dagger, huh?)
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. (Best two lines in the poem!)

EDIT: whoops sorry, mustve posted twice by accident

Excellent poem, short but powerful, last two lines were genuis.

A short but beautiful poem. It had a lot of imagery, like Conrad Rice (& others) had mentioned. Good work!

This is a very good piece of poetry. Short, but extremely good. The imagery conveyed in this is very powerful and vivid. Kudos!

Timea, this work is amazing, I'm very proud of you. I think you should submite this to a poetry contest. This piece is amazing. I'm truly in love with it

-Max

I liked it, but for some reason it came to me as being a typicial heart-felt poem. Anyway don't mind me, keep writing.

I agree--the first and last lines were lovely. I loved the imagery. The middle was a little awkward due to phrasing and such, but that's already been brought up so I won't go into that and repeat everything.

That was a very nice poem! Nice and short! I would suggest adding just one more line, though. You don't have to--it'd still be nice without it--but try adding one more in the middle to see how the flow works.

I really like this a lot. It's hard to do something that is done so often and really make it your own, and you have done that here

Ooohh, yoyo. Tsk tsk. First line = lovely!

Me likey, Timea!!! (I'm in a weird mood.)
I especially like the first part and the last. The middle was slightly strange for me, just a little.

"A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart," I think I'd either make this just a dagger, or take out the line "like a dagger." How would it pierce the heart like a dagger? They're practically the same thing, just one is bigger...

I think that's the only think I would change:) This was de'lovely.


Keep writing!


*adna*

Love it! It has so much depth. I was imaging a rose when I was reading this. Great!

Mmmm, short poem. Me likey!

The first line is really cliche. That's about my biggest complaint. If there was something you chould change it to that was less cliche, that'd be great. But I can understand if you don't change it.

"Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire/ Over the carpet of a tainted soul."
I looove these last two lines. Brilliant.

There would be some minor changes I would do to make this a little easier to read:

Love blossoms like a rose,
[take out 'and']it twists and turns;
and it is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
with a brilliant light,
a sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
over the carpet of a tainted soul.

And unless the double spacing provides some sort of service to the poem, you can do without, but I don't mind it.

Beautiful though! I enjoyed this! Keep writing!
~Yoyo

Wow. This is short, but I believe that it is a good thing. If you'd dragged it on it probably would of not of been good as now.

Over the carpet of a tainted soul.

Hi there! It's been ages since I saw some of your work, even if it is for a class.

Well, you sure mastered your punctuation here. I have no suggestions down that route. ^^

Your imagery was excellent. I pictured the entire thing.

Love blossoms like a rose

And it twists and turns;

Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire