Published April 18, 2008
This is a little something i just came up with, still very much in rough draft
My heart
Crushed
Forever torn
From happiness
The darkness
Creeps in
Filled with
My sorrow
I let it
Consume me
Knowing I
Admit to defeat
I think back
To that day
The day she left
Forever gone
She cried
I go to her
Yet she turns away
From my loving embrace
I ask what is wrong
I ask what troubles her
She turns away
Crying
I ask her again
I ask her what is wrong
She says she has a lover
A lover who is not I
Anger consumes me
I hit her
I hit her again
She’s falling
She hits her head
And lays still
Blood pools around her head
I stand still
For hours I stand there
Not knowing what I’ve done
It dawns on me
And I weep
I go to the kitchen
Blind by my madness
Wanting to ask
For her forgiveness
I take a knife
And I’m in heaven
She stands before me
A look of anger on her face
She shoves me
I’m falling
Heaven becomes hell
And I fall through fire
Falling towards
Darkness
Weeping
Begging for forgiveness
My heart
Crushed
Forever torn
From happiness
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*looks up* wow Vernon a lil on the harsh side i'd have to say.........and also dude (no offense) but i sorta agree with vernon.....but just barely....i mean it's good and you get the message across but it is a bit long.......and i'm not trying to mean seriously but you should think of revising it again i mean it looks like it's just missing a certain something in it.....overall it was good and keep trying at it and you'll get better ^^
-Uo the lady in grey
Okay, first, I agree to Echolair. The 'poor me' thing, was really good. I just have one question, did you actually kill someone? Besides that, the length wasn't that bad, and it was really great.
Don't listen to the comment before me. [no offense.]
It was actually better that it was long because sawing it in half and throwing away the other would make this look incomplete and deadly-dull.
It need not sound "poemy" as what others tell you it SHOULD BE, because everything could be a poem how ever you write it.
Apparently though, i would not like to think this would end up just as a simple post. maybe you could make it as a full-fledged story?! I'd love to read it over when the finishing touches are made.
Let this be a good challenge. Go gaga over writing!
Kudos. Pm me if you need someone to critique more of yours.
<3 JACE
Erm... right... Okay this really is far too long! There is no puncuation. Worsely it's 'poor me' You except us to feel sorry you murdered your wife or lover? That's sick, it can be done but really, right now. I feel nothing but anger. You use cliches after cliches, you tell-tel-tel. NO showing. Lastly you almost bore the readers with the entire length. Overall: Start again, change the idea. For right now, this is 'poor me' and I feel no sorrow.
Good luck
VSN
lol im getting to it.
I don't think it's so much a matter of it sounding "poemy", as what makes a poem a poem means different things to different people. I'm talking about it sounding sophisticated as opposed to your run-of-the-mill angsty babble.
If you would like to edit the post--at least correct the title for all our sakes--there's a little edit button up toward the right-hand corner of the post.
K thanks guys, It's still in rough draft so i've only put the basic ideas for it down, but i see what you mean by it not sounding um "poemy" as it should.
Thanks again ill work on these things/
Wildfire (1337 is gross): First, I'd like to welcome you to YWS! I'd just like to remind you not to post more than one new item a day, as I see you've posted at least two poems very recently. Make sure you keep your ratio of critiques to new stories/poems at a healthy 2:1 (or better). So. Get out there and critique!
As for the poem, I don't think it offers much beyond what the text literally says. It's split about 50-50 between action and vague drifty emotional phrases. The action taking place is rather boring, almost like you're writing a summary of something rather than telling an actual story. Abstract and often cliche expressions of despair are something seen all too often in poetry, and trust me, your reader is not likely to go in for a poem that stars out "My heart/Crushed..." because it's just like a million other poems rotting in the depths of the internet. Try to tell us a story, and use your own voice--if you are human, you've probably got one, so there's no need to photocopy the thoughts/phrases of everybody else.
Punctuation would probably be a good idea here. A lot of your poem is not really sentences, but two- to six-word phrases, which is really unpleasant to read. Your poem should not be a grocery list, it should be something you could read aloud, and proper sentences (they don't have to be completely correct, but should have some sort of structure) will help you. So...include punctuation. It's easier for your reader and it will make you structure the poem more coherently.
Also: f-o-r-g-i-v-e-n-e-s-s is the proper spelling.
-Colleen
Wow. That was very deep. One tip, add punctuation! That'd improve the flow alot, but I like how the beat-ish thing is.