canislupis

I really like your idea, but it definitely definitely needs some work. You did a very good job disturbing, as has already been said. :) Plotwise, it didn't feel like ...

I liked this a lot. Your character's emotions seem to be genuine, and I got a really good feeling for the action and tense parts of the piece. As I ...

Hey! This is much less confusing when individual pieces are numbered. The line-by-line stuff seems to have been taken care of, so I guess I'll get down to what I ...

Ok, I liked your idea, But I have a few comments, as well as agreeing almost completely with borg. You DO have quite a few tense problems which is something ...

I agree with, quote "ئ twit ئ" . :) (and those symbols are purty by the way) Anyway, I like your idea. It needs some work though. I think there ...

Hi Misty! Good beginning. I don't usually like reading fantasy stories for the reason that they are either stupidly cliche, or boring in that the characters are perfectly good or ...

Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. (Bye the way, I am writing this from a blackberry, so bear with me) First off, this definitely has some strengths. Good description, with ...

OOOH! gruesome. I agree with muffin :) Definitely more description, and more originality. I definitely want to see how this is continued, since it did feel exciting. I also found ...

I agree with cade. There are also SOOOOO many mispellings all over this. It gives the impression that you don't care about what you are writing. Even the TITLE was ...

Hmmmm, have you seen the movie "Sky High"? For some reason this reminded me a bit of that. I think myth pointed out a lot of the major errors, and ...

"Untitled"? Is that the best you can do? :) Good beggining from a plot point of view, since it really draws the reader in. However, it seemed a bit unrealistic. ...

You have very many problems with this piece, and I also found it confusing. Who the heck is Jay? It needs some smoothing out, especially with the tense changes. Here ...

Yay! I get to be the first to comment on this.... :) First off, don't you think this storyline is a bit cliche? A couple kids finding some magical object, ...

Wow, good idea. This definitely took a bit of imagination. Not much description, but good dialogue and character description (obviously :) ). I really like the angle you took on ...

I echo frederick. A little to much telling as well, but I guess you can get away with it in a prologue....... quite a few grammatical errors, all of which ...