Published October 16, 2007
I didn't really know where this is meant to go. And i realise it has no plot or story or anything. Haha. But anyway, read away. 
The street was empty and covered in thick, bright, white snow. It was untouched, as if it were a perfectly iced cake that had yet to be devoured. The mother and child walked carefully up it, leaving only footprints behind them. As the girl looked down she saw a set of smaller footprints and imagined a stray cat or dog running along the street earlier that morning. She was gripping her mothers hand tightly, trying not to slip on the secretly hidden icy parts of the path. Her nose was glowing red from the cold but she looked quite warm, wrapped in several layers including a jade green coat, a multi coloured scarf, matching mittens and a bobble hat.
As she got closer to main roads she could see more children, some of which were also clinging to their parent’s hand, while others preferred to wander about themselves, exploring the frosty white world. They too were wrapped in many layers, causing them to waddle rather than walk.
The playground wasn't like the empty street. The smooth surface had been trampled on by hundreds of little wellington boots, causing it to turn to a muddy grey colour. As the bell rang the parents said goodbye to their children, who were eagerly waiting for break time or another snowflake to fall.
Lol.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Thanks for all your comments
I probably won't be doing anything to this, as right now i am working on something else o_0
Whether it will go to plan i do not know...
I think you meant to spell it as 'gripping'.
The imagery is very well done, and it's a very nice, lucid piece of writing. Although left as it is it's a bit boring and does need another 1,000 words to make it a story, it's only flash fiction and personally, i don't too much like flash fiction.
My favourite part was the last sentence, it's beautiful.
Not to repeat what everyone else said, but from your words I can totally see the street and the playground with all the little children, and the little girl clinging to her mother. I do think it needs a plot, and needs to be continued because it's too good to just be left off like that.
I quite liked it. Your imagery was very good and the story had a nice feel to it. I couldn't see any mistakes apart from this bit-
When you said the mother and child were walking carefully up it, I thought it was meant to be upon because when you mentioned the street it seemed so far away, if you get that.
Other than that little issue, I really, really liked it.
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. (Bye the way, I am writing this from a blackberry, so bear with me)
First off, this definitely has some strengths. Good description, with a very smooth visual aspect. I think I would have to read more of this to give a full comment, since as others have said, "nothing has happened yet"
You captured the child's personality very well, and I think overall, you have a very refreshing ability to use descriptive language in a way that is intelligible without being to obvious.
Keep up the good work!
This is a pretty good start to...something. As you said, it has no plot. If it did, it would be nice lol. It does sound much like the beginning of a short story or a chapter in a book. The imagery is nice, but it needs some kind of point! Hehe. I'd develop it, if you can.
Up until this point, it seems as though things are being described from the few point of a bystander; an observer. But here the observer is suddenly in the child's head. I think this would sound better as an observer, I'd try to keep things to that affect. As things continue, the view is mixed between the child "seeing things" to the observer describing things. It would also work well if the point of view was from the child, but try to stick to one.
There is absolutely no transition here. There was no mention of the playground in the previous paragraph, but suddenly there's a playground in the story. Using a connection between the children and the playground would do well to help this flow better here.
Happy editing!
Via
Oof, this was rathet good actually, you had some really nice imagery in here Sarah. I like how you desribe the child's imagination; using the whole stray cat or dog thing, 'cause it sort of gives off a little background of the beginning of the beginning of the story? If you get what I mean... Probably not.
I like how you describe the children to be waddling too, like the parents have wrapped them up in so many layers. It kind of remind me of the first day of school? Protective parents coo-ing over their children before they have to leave them for the day?
You had a nice ending too, just a subtle wish for more snow from the children, intertwined with the whole; I wanna go and plaaayyyy, thing that kids always do.