it's just somthing i'm working on.... um again i'm new at this... enjoy it is now the editted version! thanks for all of those that whave read this short story... well it might be a chapter book.... not too sure yet! 
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“You don’t understand?! What do you mean you don’t understand!? I thought you of all people would understand!” Tears rolled down Tara’s cheeks, “ I hate you! I never want to see you again! I hate you Billy!”
Those were the very words Tara regretted every day of her existence. Today, only five years later, Tara was still wishing Billy would come back to her with open arms. She hated herself, the moment the words had escaped her mouth. For the first year, suicide was a question. Either you have enough courage to commit it or you don’t. For the first time in five years Tara was finally stable enough to go out with a couple of friends and just hang out. But something still nagged at her mind. She was out of the protective shell that had kept her safe for the last four years of her life. What if she broke down, what if she did something stupid? IMPOSSIBLE. She thought. That was the impossible, until she stepped through the front door of Emma’s home. The smell, the look, even though the house looked different it was still Billy’s house. Tara started to panic, her breathing became ragged and her vision became blurred.
“Tara? Is everything okay? What’s wrong? Why are you so pale? Shit somebody call 9-1-1! Quick! Something’s wrong with Tara!”
“No, I’m fine really.” She sighed and clutched her head. “ Just let me catch my breath.”
“Tara, you’re really pale!” Emma pleaded, the phone in her hand.
“Really Emma I’m fine! Just let me…” A fresh wave of pain enveloped her whole body making her unable to finish her sentence.
“Tara!!” Screeched Emma, already dialling. Emma watched in horror as her friend began to shake uncontrollably. “ Tara can you hear me?” Emma pleaded “ Tara answer me!”
But Tara wouldn’t answer. To her horror she was locked in the past, watching the memories fly by. From the time when she told Billy she hated him, to the time that her best friend was accidentally killed. Slowly her vision became blotted and her worst nightmare came true. Tara went back to the time when everything was okay and her best friend Tommy was alive.
***
“ Hey Tara come over here and look at this one!” Tara waded over to Tommy. In his hands he held a gigantic crayfish.
“ Holy shit! Where the hell did you find this one?” Tara laughed. Billy came over to see what all the excitement was.
“Shit!” was all he said.
“He looks like he’s maybe twenty maybe ten years old?” Tommy guessed.
“Yea, maybe,” She suddenly grinned “ But you might want to watch out, it’s getting mad.” Tommy looked horrified. Tara splashed him and started to wade quickly away from a potential water fight. But before she was even ten feet away Tommy grabbed her around the waist and Billy grabbed her legs, tossing her into the deepest part of the creek. Laughing, the boys were unaware the she was right behind them. Tara jumped landing on the boys taking them in surprise. All three of them went down, plunging into the murky water. Sputtering and laughing Tommy came up first. Then came Billy. Last of course was Tara. Silently all of them decided to go home and get changed.
***
. The memories flew by once again at lightning speed. Her mind stopped at her thirteenth birthday. When Tommy gave her the greatest treasure anyone could have.
***
“Happy Birthday Tara!” Everyone yelled.
“Thanks guys!” Tara smiled. “ You’re the best! So who’s first?”
Tommy and Billy looked at each other. “ I’ll go last.” They both said
“Okay, well lets see mom can have your gift first?” Tara smiled.
“ Sure, just be careful it’s heavy.” Her mom warned.
“Awe, mom that so sweet.” Tara cooed. She gazed down at the snow globe with polar bare cubs playing in the snow. “Next,” Tara grinned. Her older brothers place a large box in front of her on the floor. She looked at them sceptically. “What kind of joke is this?” She laughed as she ripped off the paper. Tara was speech less as she took the jewellery box out of all the newspaper. “Wow, thanks guys. This is… very beautiful!”
“ Told you she would like it!” Quinn her eldest brother whispered to Peter her youngest brother. “ Now fork it over” Quinn watched as Peter pulled out a ten. Tara just shook her head.
“ Okay, Tommy or Billy?” She closed her eyes and grabbed at one of the packages.
“Hey! That’s not fair Tara!” Billy squealed.
“Okay fine!” She stifled a grin. “ Pick a number between one and ten.”
“Three.” Tommy guessed.
“ Nine” Billy guessed.
“The number was seven so Billy you were the closest.” Billy groaned.
“Hope you like it.”
Tara ripped off the paper and cut through the tape. In a little box that read Anisette Jewellers. She carefully lifted the lid. Inside was a gold chain with a charm that said #1 Friend. Tears came to her eyes. She leaned over and hugged Billy. “Thanks pal!”
“ No problem.”
“ Now help me put this thing on!” Tara grinned. Once the chain was around her neck she reached over to get Tommy’s gift.
“Wait before you open it, if you don’t like it then don’t be afraid to tell me, okay?” Tommy asked.
“Yea sure, Tom.” She ripped off the paper. Inside a tiny wrapped box a charm bracelet. Dangling from it there was a heart shape with best engraved on it. She looked at Tommy. Between his fingers he held a chain around his neck with the other half of the heart. Friends was engraved on it. Tara jumped up and landed on Tommy giving him a bare hug. “ Thanks guys! These are all very nice gifts! And you know what I think this is the best birthday ever!” Her brothers laughed and her mother smiled. Tommy and Billy kissed her cheeks, making her turn a deep red.
***
Tara’s mind took a turn for the worst. The memory that Tara had cringed from. The memory that had put her in the hospital, for multiple cuts on her wrist. The day that had put Tara in a group. Even thought she didn’t want to go and see everything again, her mind took her through it anyway.
***
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
"Untitled"? Is that the best you can do?
Good beggining from a plot point of view, since it really draws the reader in. However, it seemed a bit unrealistic. I also echo what fye said about the dialogue. It was a bit cliche in parts. There are also numerous errors, which add to the appearance of it being a little unpolished. If you want more people to read this, then I suggest:
A)give it a title!!!!!! or at least a description.....
B)Space it out! Makes it's appearance seem a bit less awkward and cramped.
C)Fix all the little errors, to make it seem much more finished and less like a first draft.
D)Listen to the other reviewer's comments! I really think that they gave you some good advice, and you would do well to follow it.
Other than that, I think, once again, that you have a very good idea and start here. Just a little more work, perhaps?
Hope that this helps you.
PM me with questions or comments
Your first paragraph is very intriguing, but you do need to break up the rest of it. Also, putting actual numbers in your writing makes it seem like a math test, so write out "five", not "5." I agree with Fye that the dialogue could be more realistic. And I was a little confused about why Tara was suddenly overcome with that memory. Did something provoke it? I think it would be beneficial to include Tommy's death in the memory; otherwise the reader thinks they missed something, and goes back to check if the crawdad killed him.
Do make this longer. End your chapters with gripping hooks, but not in the middle of nowhere.
Good start, and keep going!
Is this a short story or chapter-by-chapter? I'll consider it a chapter-by-chapter. Anyway, this one was rather catching. You need to break it into paragraphs, though.
I don't know, I really really didn't like this dialogue. It doesn't seem realistic; I thought she was being sarcastic at first. Probably, "Tara, hey, you okay there? Oh god, Tara, I think there's something wrong with you. I'm gonna call 911," or something like that. Don't mind that dialogue, I simply tried making it up. Just a suggestion.
Well, about the memory, I'm not quite sure how it could be painful. And when you mentioned Tommy was going to die I thought you would show how that happened in the memory but you didn't.
Quite a number of punctuation and spelling errors; most of them cleared up by the big bad bear up there ^
For the ending of a chapter it didn't seem so nice. It felt rather bland. You need something that will bring me to chapter 2. The idea of your story is nice, but your style could perhaps add more curiosity on the reader. It looked a little too typical/cliche for me. Good luck fixing it.
Fye.
Wow! Freaky, and scary! Very cool!
There are a couple things I wanted to point out:
1. Today only 5 years later, Tara was still wishing Billy would come back to her with open arms.
Put a comma after Today.
2. The smell, the look, even thought the house looked different it was still Billy’s house.
Thought = though, and it should be, 'the house looked different, it was still Billy's house.
3. A fresh wave of pain enveloped her hole
Hole should be whole
4. To her horror she was locked in the past. Watching the memories fly by.
Combine these sentences.
5. From the time when she told Billy she hated him, and the time that her best friend was accidentally killed.
Insert 'to' instead of 'and'
6. over to see what al the
Typo! No prob!
7. You put ok and then okay. Make up your mind on what ok you are going to put.
8. But you might want to watch out it’s getting mad.”
Put a comma between out and it's.
9. You said 'Tommy Grabbed'
unless Grabbed is his last name, no need to capitalized. =) Same prob w/ Tara Jumped
10. coarse
it is spelt course
11. thought she was powerless she tried to fight her mind.
thought = though and put a comma between powerless and she.
Anway, as I have said, this is very freaky and I can't wait to hear what is going on here!!!
bigbadbear