Published January 17, 2005
It's pretty good stuff. I noticed you tend to use the past perfect tense a lot (at least I think that's what it's called). For example, where you say "had changed," take out the had. It'll flow a lot better that way.
Also, I'm not sure if that part about he-she-it was supposed to be funny, but I laughed 
. Maybe it's just cause I'm so immature. Anyway, good writes.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi Misty!
Good beginning. I don't usually like reading fantasy stories for the reason that they are either stupidly cliche, or boring in that the characters are perfectly good or evil. But I have to say you did a pretty good job of interesting me in the plot, even with just this comparatively short segment of your work. I still had a fantasy feeling in some parts, in places when you refer to her "steed" though.
Keep it up!
I really like what you have so far. Audrey seems like the kind of spunky, adventurous heroine that I love. I'd love to see what happens to her and her brother.
And Shadow Knight, I think Misty spelled it right. but perhaps not...
Great story, it needs a bit of work, and i'm not completely sure, but i think it's spelt 'unic', correct me if i'm wrong
~~Shadow~Knight~~
I like it, it sounds really good so far. Are you planning on working on it further? I like the detail. It gives you a good picture of everything that's going on, but it's not so detailed that it's boring.
yeah I remember you. how is it going at tywc anyway?
nice 2 see you again.
Hey Misty Lynn! Remember me? Lol.
that was pretty good, too.
I really like this end line. An omnious sentence which just screams to be ended in dot dot dots (I call ... dot dot dots. Don't laugh, it's a serious problem!
The beginnings the same!
Hmmm... "I hadn't listened" doesn't sound as good when "I had been forbidden to leave our farm" is in the same tense. Don't know what you'd do about it though. Maybe it's just me.
Maybe "his mucsles were large from so many years of working on our farm instead." It's only a small change, but I like it more.
That's all I could spot. I like this piece, if I were you I'd continue it. Here's your motivation: It is good, and people want to read more.
Hmmm.... Your story seems pretty good. I like its layout. But 'Rae' seems like a girls name to me. I really like this piece and hope that that's not the end of it.
haha it wasn't suppossed to be funny at all, but I kind of see what you mean. I have "past perfect" tense a lot because she's suppossed *sp?* to be older, telling her story. At least, that's what I think. thank you!