Published October 11, 2007
Setting: Eli (Daughter), little brother just washed dishes. Everyone is proud.
Eli: “I love you this much.” She said as she held up 10 fingers.
Step Dad: “Doesn’t it bother you that a 5 year old can do a better job at dishes than you can?”
Eli: Does it bother you that a 40 year old man puts himself in the same situations as a 16 year old teenage. “Whatever,” she said and walked away.
Mom: “Was that necessary?”
Later they all sat down to watch a movie. Everyone is laughing.
Step Dad: “What are you doing?” he asked Eli.
Eli: “At least I will be the only one who is the disappointment.”
Mom: “Honey, do you really feel that way?”
Eli: “How can I not? When you always tell me things that I’m incapable of.”
She ran off into the night.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I agree with cade. There are also SOOOOO many mispellings all over this. It gives the impression that you don't care about what you are writing. Even the TITLE was mispelled. If you want people to read this, fix the errors:
That should be easy since this is so short.
I also was left confused. I think this piece would be better of as a short story than a script. If you decide not to change it, then it needs to be moved to "scripts", at least in my opinnion.
Hmm...I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of a half-script, half prose piece with eight lines is.
Plot. I don't really...understand what's going on? I sense the tension between stepfather and stepdaughter, but I don't know what it stems from or what finally sets Eli off. I feel like loads of plot were left out, and these are just a few random lines that were left over. And I do not like being fed leftovers.
Script-ness? Is this a story or a script? I would assume that by the things like "Eli:" and "Stepdad:" that it is a script, but the stage directions read like prose. It's okay to have sort of an alternative piece, but this seems more like the product of confusion than anything.
Dialogue. So flat...so flat...what do real people talk like, honestly? The only good line is the one about the 40-year-old man placing himself blah blah blah because it's interesting. It shows Eli has some attitude. But the rest of the lines are just so vacant...like the characters are practically interchangeable...
Please remember to critique others' work twice as much as you post your own as well.
-Colleen
Title Edited - Misspelling