Chapter one
It was the start of the new school year in 2005. Highschoolers shuffled around to find their new classes in their school, Midvale High. It was a typical school, with typical teenagers. It were the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.
Christian Parker was a senior. He was tall and had dark black hair. He was somewhat muscular and always had a smile. He was the kind of guy all the girls would want to be around. Christian was always willing to help out other people, and enjoyed his friends, girlfriends and school.
He had recently broken up with his last girlfriend, Mary Schneider, because he had seen her groping at Nick Angelo. What kind of a girlfriend are you, Mary? Christian thought when he had seen the incident.
Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world. But Christian would never accept her again! She felt horrible. She always had an eye on him, but he was always hanging around those stupid girls.
Christian knew about Mary’s spying. He felt uncomfortable around her now. He avoided her eye and just walked away.
A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment. She too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian’s classes.
Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian. Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. Christian thought as he gazed thoughtfully at her.
It wasn’t later until Christian found out her name. It was during lunch, right after Christian and his friend, Kevin, had finished eating. Popular girls surrounded the new girl, you know, the preppy ones.
Christian asked Kevin, “Hey, do you know that girl over there? Do you see her? She’s right over—there! There! Do you see here?”
Kevin nodded. “Yeah,” he said, “Her name is Christy-Ann Turner. She always had lived around L.A., but, I guess we just have never seen her.”
Christy-Ann… that’s a beautiful name. Christian smiled. He slowly began to stride over to her and her group of girls. The group eyed Christian. He usually never talked to preppies. Christy-Ann carefully watched him come closer to her. He smiled and just before he could say anything, he tripped.
“Ughf!” He said, as he fell to the ground. Instantaneously he blushed a deep scarlet. He couldn’t talk to them now, now that he was covered in chocolate milk and food waste.
He sighed and slowly picked himself up. The girls were giggling hilariously. “Yeah, yeah, very funny…” Christian said as he wiped his clothes off. He looked at Christy-Ann. She had a look of disgust upon her face.
Christian sighed. His right thigh hurt; he had landed right on it. Christy-Ann’s expression suddenly changed. It took on a look of love, or emotion. Christian softened his facial expression. She already is in love with me! You know, they were right, one look can change everything!
“Hey Christy-Ann! Whazzup?” said a voice right behind Christian. He spun around to find John Summers standing behind him.
John was a football jock. He was tall, dark and muscular. John flexed as he approached the group of giggling girls. John was obviously trying to go out with Christy-Ann, just by his looks. He took long strides, showing off his bulging muscles.
Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers. It was always the big, muscular guys getting the girls. They also have tons of money, to spend on fancy sport cars.
Christian was right, because John’s next sentence was: “Hey Christy-Ann, would you like to go out tonight? My parents gave me their old Viper, and I would like to take it with a spin. With you."
Christy-Ann blushed. It was the first week of school and she was already being asked out!
“Uh, well, um… when?”
“Tonight, around seven o’clock.” Was John’s reply.
Christy-Ann looked back at her friends. They were all smiling with nods of encouragement. “Uh, yeah, John, I think that that would be really nice.” Christy-Ann muttered, blushing.
John took a sigh of relief. “Good! I have already bought the movie tickets!”
John walked up to Christy-Ann and kissed her, just quickly, on the cheek. She pulled back, and looked at the ground, twisting her feet.
Christian felt really dumb, just staring at John and Christy-Ann, so he went back to Kevin, who had his mouth ajar. “John is such an idiot. You know that, right?” Christian said. He did not get a reply back, and did not expect to receive one.
After school that day, Christian was standing outside of the high school, talking to one of the girls that usually hung around him. Mary was watching from the side.
When the girl had to leave, Christian stood there alone, thinking. He could see Mary, standing just behind the pillar in front of him. Why does Mary do this? What good will it do?
Christian was frowning when someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head and saw Christy-Ann standing beside him. He gasped.
“Christy-Ann! Hello!” Christian spat out, not knowing what to say.
She nodded and told Christian, “I am so sorry the way I acted at lunch. I mean, it wasn’t funny that you fell in front of me. I was only laughing because of peer pressure. I'm sorry."
Christian gaped. “Yeah, uh, well, it's alright, I guess… hehe,” Christian looked at a milk stain on his black tee shirt.
“And, I kind of know the reason that you came up to talk to me,” she continued, “You wanted to ask me out, huh?”
“Uh, well, not really…” Christian blushed. Why do I blush when I talk to Christy-Ann? It’s really annoying!
“Really? Then what for?” Christy-Ann questioned.
Think, Christian, think!
Christy-Ann peered at him.
“I wanted… to get to… know you!” Christian stated as he nodded intently.
“Oh,” Christy-Ann said as she looked at her shoes.
“So… where did you come from?” Christian asked.
“I’m from here.”
“Really? What school? I mean, before here.”
“I was home schooled. I was in a privet elementary school, until… um… until my twin… died.”
Christian’s face must have looked shocked, because she started into a story.
“You see, well, I had a twin brother. I was about six years old the night he was… murdered.”
“Murdered?” Christian muttered shockingly.
She slowly nodded.
“Yes, um… Samuel Turner was murdered on October 13, 1995. It was devastating me, and my parents, who are divorced right now.” She muttered. Slowly, a clear tear dropped down her cheek.
She started to stutter, and then Christian realized that she was crying.
He felt a lump in his throat. He had made her cry. Curse me.
“I’m sorry Christian, it’s just that I never talk about my brother. It’s been… so long.” She slowly muttered.
“No, it’s my fault,” Christian murmured, “I was the one that brought this up.”
She shook her head, and put her soft, clammy hands on his chest. “No, Christian, you’re fine… I needed to talk with someone.”
Suddenly a car honked and both of them looked out into the road.
John Summers was in a red Viper convertible. He made the engine roar. “Hey, hot stuff! C’mon! Let’s go for a ride!”
Christy-Ann looked at John, and then Christian. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go…” Her hand lifted off Christian’s chest.
“It’s fine… go… have fun.” Christian replied. They both stared at each other’s eyes. She is so beautiful.
Then Christy-Ann waved at him and walked away. She opened the Viper door, and slid into the seat. John tried to kiss her but she turned away again to wave at Christian.
The car took off.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
To start, this is very good. The beginning all seems sort of cliche, but maybe that's just because I'm tired of school.. I'm working on a story where I have to include school in it and it annoys me to no end...
... if that's a bonus. I'm not sure if it is for you.
StarDuster
Anyway, on to critiquing. Like said before (and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it) the dialogue needs some work. It was still an interesting start and definitely pulls the reader in closer to the end.
People keep telling me I need to "show not tell" and I'm still confused on the whole thing, so I don't think I'll be any help to you there.
If you tried spicing up the beginning a bit more, it might draw more readers in from the start. I don't know, it's just a small suggestion. Maybe you could begin it another way.
I'm wondering about the Mary character. Why is she always spying on him? I think that would make me really uncomfortable and creeped out if that happened to me.
You could also add more detail to some parts. Like how he falls.. it seems kind of sudden. If you added more detail, it would make the story more interesting plus it would make it longer
Other than that, it's very good. Keep writing. Don't let anyone get you down.
Okay, I like the overall idea of this story so far, but I think you use WAY too much telling. I mean, it wasn’t just like that in one paragraph. It was like that throughout the entire thing. And I don’t say it to be mean or anything, but I just wanted to point that out to you. Try to slip in some description, try to show what the characters are thinking rather than coming right out and telling us. Stuff like that will help it out a lot
But like, I have read other pieces of your work (most recent, the Dirt Loves me one, which I loved! 
) And I know how well you write so I'm guessing this was one of your first posts...?? 
“was” instead of “were”
I’m not sure that the last part of this sentence sounds quite right. Try cutting out the “began to come” and change it to just “came”. That might help.
“you know”?? I don’t like that because you don’t use “you” anywhere else so just either cut that right out, or maybe rewrite it??
small “h” on “he”
Whoa! Love?? That’s a little…unrealistic. Sorry
Small “w” on “was” and a comma instead of a period after “o’clock”
Comma instead of a period after “nice”
I don’t think some girl would admit to being “peer pressured” into laughing at someone. Many kids are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit something like that. So I would cut that sentence out and just leave it at “I’m sorry.”
Okay, couple things here:
1. First off, comma instead of a period after “now”
2. Now, I don’t think that a girl who just lost her brother would be using his name like that. Sounds too unfamiliar, like she is reading off of a pamphlet or something. Make it more personal for her.
3. “devastating for me” instead of “devastating me”
A few things here again:
1. Comma after “sorry”
2. Comma after “long” instead of a period.
3. Also, small “s” on “she”
4. And, how does she know his name?? I think I missed something there because I can’t remember him introducing himself to her…so maybe have that happen or something so we know she knows his name.
Okay, now that that is done and besides the telling thing, you have a good start here. Just a few more things to point out:
I. Your dialogue. Most of it was really realistic, which is one thing I struggle with myself. But I thought you did pretty good. However, you use of (…) was sort of annoying sometimes. Sorry
II. Your Characters. They were good but too ordinary. Need to make them unique. Christian seems like the normal nice-guy-who-gets-the-girl. John is the jock-who-hits-on-all-of-the-girls. Mary is the obsessive-ex-girlfriend and ect. Need to give them some life! Some fire! Make the reader want to get to know these characters.
III. Overall Plot. Also, very ordinary so far. Except for the murder part which I found quite interesting, it was very un-unique. Try to spice it up! Make it your own!
Other than that, I am on to chapter two because I can’t resist figuring out what happens
Wow, I like Christy-Ann! The reason is that you completely beat up a cliche which is "the blonde pretty girls are mean", and it is not like that at all, she is very nice and kind and I can already tell she cares for Christan.
)!
Christran is really nice to and seems like a good guy, and i can tell he has alot to learn about girls and how to deal with people like John, so character development is going to be a peice of cake (with some chocolate milk
I really like this and I know I am going to enjoy the next chapters as well, I need to get on those quick! Thanks for the read! -Curly
Holy cow. I have no idea how you found this -- It was abandoned long ago. But I finished it... and it was a piece of crap. But thanks? The review's helpful, although I've come a long way since this. Sorry to hurt your eyes with poor dialog and telling.
*dies*
-Jared
Hello,
I think this has great potential for teen fiction! I do, however, have a lot of suggestions which you can look over and see if you agree with. I think this will be much better after some editing. I enjoyed your characters and the plot was certainly mysterious right from the beginning. Good luck!
Suggestions-
My main advise is to show and not tell. Show the scene where Mary is betraying Christian, Have less narrator information and more from the character's thoughts and or dialogue.
I don't know if dating you're story so early and so completely is the best thing to do. It's up to you, but if you don't say the exactly year it will have a sort of general timelessness that more can relate to.
It were the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.- It was where the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high to the huge high school were. or The freshman were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.
A lot of sentences are comprised of "It was . . . or "he was" I'd vary your structure a little to make it flow better.
Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world. But Christian would never accept her again! She felt horrible. - she must not have "loved" him quite that much, though perhaps she thought she did.
A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment.- show this. SHow his fist sighting of her. Also, most people's eyes gaze around so maybe "gazed in wonder" or "in fear"
Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. - good thing he's not conceited, lol.
Do you see here?”- her
He usually never talked to preppies.- but i thought he was supposed to be nice?
Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers.- Christian disliked John Summers.
and I would like to take it with a spin. With you.- and I want to take it for a spin. With you. -this dialogue seems stiff and unnatural. No self respecting jock would say "I would like to" This occurs in most of the dialogue.
Christy-Ann blushed. It was the first week of school and she was already being asked out!- this seems to change viewpoints to Christy ann without warning.
I was only laughing because of peer pressure.- not a lot of teens actually own up to being influenced by peer pressure.
think it's T-shirt, not tee, but I'm not sure about that.
I think that Christy ANn would probably withhold the information of her twin being murdered until she knew him a bit better and the topic somehow came up.
Mary is still hanging around because she loves Christian more than anything else in the world. You see, she would give her life for him, as you see later on in the story. Christian became very upset after he had seen Mary making out with Nick Angelo and then he broke up with her. So now, he can date other girls, and Mary still loves Christian. That is why she is still around.
Thanks for the comments guys!
i loved your story but the only thing is this: i see how he's broken up and he sees a new and prettier girl but wht is the ex still hanging around???
This series is pretty good! Since this is the first chapter, I can't give too much away, but you took me through an amazing series of twists and turns throughout the chapters. Realism is pretty good, although "I just laughed because of peer pressure" ... Never, not in a million years! Other than that, this is a great story, I already feel for Christian. Going to see if I can find some of your other stories, this series was AWESOME!
I have one thing to say:
John was a football jock. He was tall, dark and muscular. John flexed as he approached the group of giggling girls. John was obviously trying to go out with Christy-Ann, just by his looks. He took long strides, showing off his bulging muscles.
John, John, John.....it gets really repetitive and a little annoying and bland.
As long as you fix that, though, this is good. Good job!
i see everyone else basically has this covered, so im going to avoid beating a dead horse and be quick about this.
if this is in 3rd person (with christian as the narrator) then the reader wouldn't know this, because we don't know what Christy-Ann is thinking. Now maybe you ment for Christian to think this, but it sounds like she is thinking this because she's excited. i suggest just taking this line out.also "she too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian's classes" it should be but happened, or yet happened, or however was in none of christians classes, or else the oddness of them not having any classes together- even though they are in the same grade- will be lost.
this is good, not too sappy or cliché like alot of teen romance stories are (by the way i suggest avoiding those two things at ALL costs in your later chapters). good luck!
You dumped a lot of information on us all at once, man. I'd suggest taking all that exposition and turning it into scenes. Show us that the freshmen are having trouble getting around, that Christian is a lady's man, and that he and Mary aren't the best of friends. This way the reader isn't just sitting through a mini-history, they're actually experiencing the story right off the bat.
sorry, my computer shut off and i didn't get to finish. You did a lot of telling in the beggining but at the end i started to be more interested in your story.
This is a good idea, but you do a lot of telling instead of showing.
This doesn't sound very realistic.would she really say that?
I don't think she would say his whole name like that 'Samuel Turner'. Did she have a nick name for him-- i think she would be more likely to say something like Sam or Sammy. And i don't think she would bring her parents into it-- about how they are divorced. She sounds like she wants Christian to feel sorry for her- but if that is what you are going for then its fine.
A lot of dialog, very little describing. Personally I'd love to know how he tripped as he fell, and not he tripped and then after the reaction find he was in 'food waste'. Passive sentances, its a little bit of a bug for me. Telling something strongly and weakly makes a big deal when you try to capture your audience.
" Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian."
Perhaps some examples would help make the reader make this conclusion and make it stronger.
" Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers. It was always the big, muscular guys getting the girls. They also have tons of money, to spend on fancy sport cars. "
A lot of telling here. The last two sentances kill what would be an otherwise good base. If you eliminate those and connect it with John flaunting his muscles and money it would add some character to Christian.
The characters seem undeveloped, or rather undeveloped because of your tone of voice and constant 'telling' of things. We don't need to see inside their heads and know any thoughts to be able to understand their feelings and desires. Allow the reader to identify with the character rather then being told about the character.
Okay, so now i've read your first chapter...
a few critiques:
1) the dialogue seems unnatural. Maybe it's just me, but it goes from formal dialogue to slang too quickly and seems kinda clangy.
2) you'll probably want to read over your story for run-ons and tenses, as you're using present tense when it's supposed to be past and so on. I'm too lazy to put an example here. Sorry!
3) Christy's emotions toward the end kinda shift too quickly. She goes from crying a bit when telling Christian about her dead brother to being happy as she rides off with John in basically all of 2 seconds.
Your story's good. These're just some things I noticed, but overall I liked it!
Hey there, I'll be going through all of the chapters for this story, figured I'd jump on the wagon and try to help you out a little ^.^
Obviously, from the positive crits you've recieved, your story has been well recieved with quite a few people enjoying it quite a bit. From this you can see that the story has some intrigue and a suitable amount of plot. ON this I congratulate you, to garner interest in a piece of work is difficult at times, and you have done well at it.
I have some criticisms: the main one being your word order. Throughout the story I get confused and turned around and my head begins to hurt, merely because of your word order and usage. In the quote below you repeat “began” which is confusing, as well as the fact that the girl “happened to be in none” of his classes, “happened to be”? It doesn’t really fit.
“A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment. She too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian’s classes.
Christian noticed her attractiveness in her actions. She was smart, kind, and always willing to help, similar to Christian. Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. Christian thought as he gazed thoughtfully at her.”
Christian seems a little stuck up here, I know he isn’t meant to be the perfect boy and all, but he seems to talk himself up quite well, being “smart, kind and always willing to help”.
You also use some VERY basic sentences; I would suggest melding some into the sentence before hand:
“Christian was frowning when someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He turned his head and saw Christy-Ann standing beside him. He gasped.”
I also doubt very much that Christy-Ann, who obviously does not know Christian all that well, would chose to empty her soul at him about her murdered twin, considering that she has not talked about it for so long. This was odd and unrealistic.
On the whole it is a fairly okay story for one so young. Your situations and dialogue are quite cliché and more than a little unrealistic. I was told that when one is presented with a fiction they have to be able to suspend belief, ignore that faeries don’t exist and monsters don’t really live under the bed. I found it hard to suspend my belief for your fiction, despite the fact that there was nothing I should have not believed.
This has a level of potential, but I think it needs quite a bit of work, keep at it.
I hope you don’t find this too harsh, and I apologise if you do.
Any questions, rants, or hate mail? Feel free to pm me ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Nice title, I get it, and I'm sure others will too, but...there are pests in here I have to voice.
When you wrote "typical school..." try not to use that very often. It itself sounds typical. You want Atypical, weird, something interesting...I'm probably wrong here, but I felt it sounds that way. Also, unless the freshmen are important, don't write them in. Try mentioning instead how the high school experience is breezier for upperclassmen. Considering that your protag. is a senior, what the freshmen are going through is the least of his concerns.
When you described your protag., it wasn't really that good. It was a list. Don't list, man. The list is bad, the list is evil. Lists have the worst disease ever: boredom (and trust me, for someone into comedy, boredom is the last thing you want).
The rest of this is pretty readable, good even. Some spelling errors, naturally, but otherwise not bad. However, that Christy-Ann chick sure laid some deep eshoot on Chris like that. Either she's got problems with privacy, or she's loaded. I'm not sure I like her, though. It's the protag. I like. He's got some personality, and he's not incredible. It's a nice portrayal of the male.
As I can see, you've decided on quality AND quantity. Not my style, really, but I'm sure I can dig it for now.
Keep it up. Just don't make it sappy or perfect. Romance and comedy (I think) feed on one thing: lack of perfection, most of the time, conflict. It's so marvelous because anyone can make it up, we just separate it by how much there is and how much makes the least amount of sense.
This was a pretty good start, I like it for the most part. I do think that the dialogue seemed kind of forced as well as unrealistic... I really don't see Christy-Ann talking about something so personal after only knowing a guy for a few hours at the most.
That paragraph can be improved, you started off every sentence with "He was...", try varying your sentence structure. Or you could subtly introduce Christian's personality and his appearance, you don't need to devote a whole paragraph to the description of one character.
I really hope I wasn't too harsh! I don't mean to sound mean, I'm just trying to help. I know that this story has great potential, all it needs is a little work.
Hey!
This is much less confusing when individual pieces are numbered. The line-by-line stuff seems to have been taken care of, so I guess I'll get down to what I thought of the plotline so far.
I think the dialogue is very forced, and it seems a bit unrealistic that Christy-Ann would be pouring out her life story after a few minutes of conversation. I as also confused by many of the actions going on. I also think I agree with enchantress muffin about how the characters are relating to eachother.
In short, I think you need to work a bit on realism and dialogue. Other than that, I like the plotline so far.
PM me with questions!
Hmm.. Not a bad opening paragraph. I like how you state the pupils to be "shuffling" around to different classrooms. I think the usage of the word "It" at the beginning of the sentences in this though was just, too much. You use them in three out of four sentences and then this makes it seem as though you are droning on? Y'get me?
You do this a little bit in the second paragraph, when desciribing the character, Christian Parker. You over use the word "He" at the beginning of a few sentences, and this also makes it seem a lot more listy than it should. I'm not sure about the use of commas in the last sentence of this paragraph; punctuation isn't my strong point.
I didn't understand the next sentence, in the third paragraph. You say; "...he had seen her groping at Nick Angelo." This confused me. Do you mean; "...he had seen her groping Nick Angelo." Because if so, you have a slight typo here. But it could also be "gaping" I suppose.
The next paragraph was okay, but I think it could be structured so that it is only three sentences instead of five. Here's what I suggest;
"Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world, but he would never take her back. She felt awful and always kept her eye on him; he was always hanging around with those stupid girls."
Try it out, I'm not saying that it's perfect, but I think that it would work a lot better and seem more narrative in a sense because it would be less of a list and would tend to flow better. Also, structure the next mini sentence/paragraph into the paragraph above, because it seems very listy and jolts when read.
The next two paragraphs are actually quite good I think. Not very original, yet again, but nice still, with good descriptions and a nice picture of the new girl. I like the sentence when you state that, she seems beautiful and interesting, but sadly, she;s not in any of his classes. A mild regret. I like the sentence; "He niticed her attractiveness in her actions" as this put across the point that whatever she does, she's always pretty. I like the small "...I bet she is an awesome kisser." part because it shows how boys think in a way.
The next paragraph is great, and I like how the author reahces out to the reader with a slight question.
And the small talk between Kevin and Christian made me laugh, especially when I picture Christian pointing out the girl to his friend and repeating "there" over and over, getting exasperated. I loved it.
Oh no, he fell over! This is good, but all together a little cliche I suppose. It's sad though that the girl he likes just frowns at him, as if to say, yucky. Not nice at all, but a good take on life.
I'm sorry but this review has been cut short because I have to go, but I may vry well return and finish later; although I think I may have covered a lot of the main factors. Good foundations, but you need to be more show than tell and a little less listy.
i enjoyed reading your story, i hope you finish it. if you add to this, could you let me know ? so i can continue reading. i think you are doing a great job, there will always be errors. dont worry. your story is great.
kim
Now, to commence with my crit:
This is a lot of telling; rather like dropping an anvil of information on our heads. I think that instead of just stating all this, you need to show us; use your words to tell us all this more subtly, so that we can draw our own conclusions.
I might have said this before, and I know others have, but your dialogue is pretty stiff in places. I'd advise reading it out loud to yourself to see if you can spot the problem areas. If you're stuck, then please toss me a PM and I'll tell you what spots I think are awkward, and you can go from there.
Now, I don't date much, but I do know that it's usually a given that guys don't kiss girls they just met and/or made a date with. Have you ever seen a girl who would let a guy do that to her before they had even gone out?
Exactly.
Quick note: this is a sentence that no teenager on the planet would say. I mean, they might be thinking it, but they wouldn't say it like that. Finding a different way of saying it would be excellent.
"Private" is spelled exactly so.
Hope I wasn't too harsh.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
Yeah, I took it from the action/adventure to the romance.. Sorry about that
Did you double post this story? I reviewed it yesterday.
By the way, you should only post one piece of writing a day. It's just polite to not flood the forums.