Published October 18, 2007
The girl switched off the lights in the dark-room, for a moment there was pitch black. Then she pulled the light cord and the strip lights came on.
The red light surrounded her as she carefully checked the settings for the third time.
She moved her camera out of the way and caught sight of the name tag. Her mother had insisted she named the camera. Sarah, a plain name for a plain girl. She adjusted the focus slightly, removed the red filter and pressed the large red button.
White light seemed to cut through the red, streaming down onto the paper. Slashing through the red, but it would run out of energy soon. Energy and time. Then there would be red.
Red. Red. Everything here was red. The light was red, the tray with the developer in was red, the filter was red, the button was red. Now, thanks to the light, her once gold hair was also red.
There was a click and the white light from the enlarger disapeared. Swallowed by the red.
She placed the sheet of paper into the developer and sloshed the liquid over it, her hands tipping the red tray back and forth.
Slowly, slowly, the picture came into focus. First came the two sticks on either side of the photograph. Next, she could see the sun powering through the piece of celophane she had stretched betwen the two sticks.
Finally, the eye-catcher. The shadow formed slowly, twisting into shape, changed by the light reaching through behind it. The snare for everyone to fall into, trapped, like she was. Surrounded by the word.
The word. She had made the word on the celophane by cutting out back card and sticking it onto the celophane. The word rang out, loud, bright and clear.
The photo was black and white. Monochrome.
But that wouldn't stop the colour from grabbing you. Taking you by the hand and pulling you into it, like a siren from a lake.
Red.
~SishBee~
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
This is wonderful! I'm not sure I have much to add to what's already been said, but I'll try.
I'm not sure if dark-room is supposed to be hyphenated; I think it's all one word. My dictionary says "darkroom," but I think it's one of those words that is accepted in many different spellings.
"Her mother had insisted she named the camera."
Colloquial. We might speak like that (though we shouldn't), but the correct phrasing is "Her mother had insisted that she name the camera."
Also, that seemed like a strange detail. Unless the story is going to be about struggles with her mother, I suggest you leave it out (if it is going to be at least partially about her mother, it's good foreshadowing.)
"The light was red, the tray with the developer in was red..."
I think you meant "The light was red, the tray with the developer in IT was red..."
Also, this sentence should be punctuated by semicolons.
"The light was red; the tray with the developer in it was red; the filter was red; the button was red."
I like the sentence; the repetition of "red" is intriguing and well-done.
"Taking you by the hand and pulling you into it, like a siren from a lake."
I would change the lake to a sea, which is where Odysseus met sirens, and where sirens are traditionally found. A lake, while still water imagery, makes one think of the Lady of the Lake, who was a more benevolent figure than the sirens.
Overall, very good. Very dramatic. I want to know where it goes next.
Apart from the occasional spelling/punctuation errors, this story has potential.
You could do with substituting 'red' for synonyms such as 'crimson' or 'burgundy,' while still keeping the repetition, especially the wonderfully-placed last word that ties the whole piece together. The different words will add variation and nuance to your writing.
Good work otherwise. 7.5/10
very nice. Beautiful, in fact.
Cellophane is the correct spelling, as well as I'm not sure how much I like it being used twice in one sentence. Do you think you could replace it with describing it another way once?Yet right here
I was confused (no surprise there
) at some parts, but I like the descriptions.
Thanks! I have edited it and I think that it is a definite improvement... particularly without the typo... *grins sheepishly*
Thanks again!
~SishBee~
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I agree with, quote "ئ twit ئ" .
(and those symbols are purty by the way)
Anyway, I like your idea. It needs some work though. I think there are WAY to many short cut-off sentences, it makes the whole thing rough-feeling. Then there are the little mistakes, such as:
It is very annoying when things diserpear.
Then comes the confusion. Things like:
This sentence is out of place and seemingly random. OK, I am guessing that her name is sarah, but I think you should find another way of introducing that without saying that. Also, if it's not necessary to the story, you could consider just leaving her personal details out of the pictures.
Aside from that, there are some nice aspects to this. I noticed that you use descriptive language very nicely, and I got a good feeling for what her surroundings were. However, I think you should make it clearer earlier on that she is developing a picture.
Overall, I think it needs some editing and a little clarification. I was interested by your subject matter. I'll be interested to see how it turns out, if there is more to it.
PM me with questions or comments.
Very nice. Nice descriptions. But I don't get some of it.
Hh?
I think you should make that clearer; why she's doing it.
Very nice indeed!