Twit

Noonononononono! You need to put the actual writing on here so we can tear it apart! Otherwise, how can I crit? -Twit

Velly goot, but one thing leapt out and bit my nose: for one sentance, you're talking in first person. Apart from that - swell! -ST

No, dugon sounds too much like "dugong" which is the sea cow, ugly heavy fat sea creature. What about: * Lerant * Kiutyan * Piole * Rencyme * Renkymna As ...

Bleagh. Kiss. Drat romance in every single flipping flaming form it comes in, with flipping flaming blinking knobs on. You need spaces between your dialogue. But it's good dialogue.

Wait, these are two GUYS being talked about here? Gross. I didn't even read all of this properally, and having seen THAT bit, a good thing too. Sorry, but there ...

Hmcreamcomplane. Sounds nice! :D Very pretty. -ST

Poof! Romance, et al. Where is this going to go zigackerly? As in, is there going to be Sequels 1, 2, 3 and 4? -ST

Yep, you strike again, with a good chappie, but you're still missing a few capitals. :) -Twit

Plot thickens and all that jazz. You need to space this out with lines between paragraphs and lines of dialogue. And, as Rodent said, some of the dialogue was a ...

There's a few missing capitals, and you need to space out the dialogue in the last part. I like Elyn. :wink: -Twit

Nice in-between chapter. Some sentances didn't flow quite right, but otherwise: good! :D -ST

Normally, I'd say Incandescence (or however you spell that word - it shouldn't have so many letters in it) was being too harsh, but on this occasion I agree totally ...

Phew! *wipes brow* Tammy's there, and Jamie's sounding a lot more cheerful! -Twit

Good next chapter! That's sad, even my reviews are ungrammatical. Anyway, very good! I don't see any mistakes. :D -Twit

Akshurlie, you *do* have to crit at least two pieces before you post any of your own. I thought this was a good poem, although the rhyming didn't flow so ...