z

Young Writers Society



The Brooch

by Zebus


Author's Notes: Got an idea for this in my head awhile ago, must of taken me all of four hours to compile. This is a really rough draft, and therefore will probably have lots and lots of mistakes. What we are looking at is the story, I am curious to see how people like it. The polishing comes later.

EXT.FOREST GROVE.DAY

Camera pans around a blanket with randomly assorted

trinkets, trinkets small children would probably have.

Beginning credits will roll during this time. During the

credits there will be dialog, small children talking.

YOUNG WILLIAM

Why are we making a time capsule?

YOUNG JASON

My Dad said we should, he said all

three of us should each put a thing

in the box and it will turn into a

memory.

YOUNG CLAIRE

Yea, he said we would be glad we

saved all the memories when we are

older.

Camera reaches the end of the blanket, a gorgeous brooch

sits there the camera pauses and focuses on it.

YOUNG CLAIRE

We're putting the sparkles in it?

YOUNG JASON

Yea, after all, we were all

together when we found it in the park.

Maybe it would be the best memory.

Camera moves into a birds eye view of the blanket with all

of the assorted treasures. A pair of hands places lunch box

in the center of the blanket. The pair of hands begin

placing things in the lunch box, two other pairs appear and

begin placing things in the lunch box. The brooch is saved

for last, and the pair of hands that placed the lunch box on

the blanket picks up the brooch and places it in the lunch

box, then closes the lid.

YOUNG WILLIAM

Here comes your Dad.

A voice is heard although the camera is still in the same position

(a birds eye view of the lunch pale)

JASON'S DAD

Alright, are all of you ready?

EVERYONE AT ONCE

Yea!

JASON'S DAD

Alright, everyone just run along

now, I will bury it.

YOUNG JASON

But how will we find it, Daddy?

JASON'S DAD

I will make three note cards and

give it to each of your parents,

and they will give them to you when

they feel you are old enough. Each note

card will have a clue as to where I

will bury this. I will make it so

it is not possible to find it

unless all three note cards are

together. This will make sure all

three of you will be together when

you open it.

JASON'S DAD

Now run along!

The sound of some children laughing and the rustling of leaves

will be audible. A pair of older looking arms will reach and

pick up the lunch pail and moves it off camera. The screen

will fade black.

EXT.STREET.DAY

Claire and Jason are walking down the street. It is cold,

and both are wearing jackets. The camera comes in within the

middle of a conversation.

CLAIRE

[Jokingly]I guess I should of

listened to you then!

JASON

You should have! I told you he was

a jerk but you went out with him

anyways, and how long did that last

for?

CLAIRE

Okay, fine! I'll listen to you next

time. Hows you and Janet going?

JASON

Oh, don't even start with that.

Both laugh. At that moment Jason's cell phone rings. He

takes it out of his pocket and looks at the caller ID. With

a confused look on his face he answers it.

JASON

Hey, this is Jason.

A beat.

JASON

Oh, hello Mrs. Grgeson.

A few moments later.

JASON

Yea she is here with me... Okay,

we'll be over there in a second.

Jason hangs up his cell phone and looks at Claire.

JASON

Somethings up with Will.

CLAIRE

What?

JASON

His mum didn't tell me, she wants

us to come over.

CLAIRE

Okay...

Camera Fades black.

INT.WILL'S HOUSE.DAY

NOTES: Writers block here. Basically, Will's Mom tells Jason

and Claire that Will never returned from a solo sail boat

trip and coast guard found his boat with a lot of blood on

it. They presume him dead.

INT.WILL'S ROOM.NIGHT

Claire and Jason enter Will's room to look around it before they

go home. It was kept neat, as always.

JASON

I wonder if his card is still

there.

CLAIRE

You would think he would take it

with him, I think he values that

buried box more then any of us.

JASON

We should open it, you know, for

him.

Jason opens his drawer, reaches back into it and removes a fake

back. He feels around and pulls out a note, looking confused

he reaches around again. He looks at the note.

JASON

What's this?

JASON

[Reading the note] Call: 558-4526

CLAIRE

What?

JASON

I don't understand, the note card

is missing and it's replaced by

this.

Jason waves the note at Claire.

CLAIRE

Did Will write it?

JASON

No, it doesn't look like his

handwriting.

CLAIRE

Do we call it?

JASON

I guess... Let's do it in the car

though.

Jason and Claire exit the room.

EXT.OUTSIDE WILL'S HOUSE.NIGHT

Jason and Claire are walking to their car. They hug Mrs. Gregson

and get in the car. She sniffs and waves as the car drives

off.

EXT.CAR.NIGHT

Claire is driving. Jason holds up the note and calls the number.

The scene flashes to a cell phone sitting on a table in a

dark room. A hand picks up the phone. You can only see the

person's chin.

STRANGER

Hello.

Scene flashes back to Jason in the car.

JASON

Who is this?

Scene flashes, etc, etc.

STRANGER

It doesn't matter. Do you have the

other two note cards?

JASON

What?

STRANGER

Oh God... 'What?' I took Will's

note card, now I need your's and

your girlfriend's.

JASON

Wait, what did you do with Will?!

STRANGER

Heh, nothing. I just saw his death

as the prime opportunity. Breaking

into his house was easy. Now, I

need your note cards. I will pay

$100 for each if you wish. Refuse

and things are going to get nasty.

JASON

I don't... Oh, I know what you

want. And the answer is no.

Jason flips his cell phone closed and looks at Claire. It flashes

quickly to the stranger (still only half his face showing).

He smiles and puts down the phone. It flashes back.

JASON

Someone stole Will's card, they

want the brooch. They were offering

$100 each for our note cards.

CLAIRE

And if we don't give the cards to

them?

JASON

It doesn't matter. Call your mum

and see if you can spend the night,

I think I know what is going on.

CLAIRE

How are we going to find the

capsule without Will's card.

JASON

My father sucked at riddles, there

is no way he made them any good.

CLAIRE

He wouldn't be happy if he could

hear you.

JASON

Nah, he accepted the truth all his

life, even on his deathbed. He

would understand.

JASON

Do you have your card?

CLAIRE

We'll drop by my house first, then

go to yours.

JASON

Okay.

INT.JASON'S ROOM.NIGHT

Jason is sitting at the computer browsing through the internet.

A clock on his desk reads 4:35. Claire is sitting at the

desk too, but her head is on it she is softly snoring. Jason

takes no notice, and is absorbed in rapid clicking. He sees

something, and shakes Claire awake.

JASON

Look at this.

Claire slowly lifts her head and looks at the screen, squinting

her eyes.

CLAIRE

Oh my God.

JASON

So you remember it just as well as

I do, eh?

CLAIRE

Of course I do, it was the most

beautiful thing I had seen in my

pathetic childhood life.

JASON

It says under here it was stolen

from a Museum in [PLACE HOLDER] in

May of 1994. We buried the capsule

in August of '94. The thief must of

dropped it.

CLAIRE

[In awe]Wow... How much is it

worth?

JASON

It says here it was lent to the

museum by a private owner. And the

private owner is offering a reward

to whomever can give it back to

him, no questions asked.

CLAIRE

That dosn't tell me how much it's

worth.

JASON

Hold on...

Jason scrolls down and gasps.

CLAIRE

What, how much?

JASON

Twenty three...

Jason swallows really hard.

CLAIRE

Twenty three... thousand?

JASON

Million.

Screen goes black.

END OF PART 1 OF 3

EXT.CAR.DAY

Jason is driving, Claire is sitting next to him wide awake and

alert. It is early morning.

CLAIRE

Where are we going first?

JASON

My brother's place. I already gave

him a call, he is going to come

with us.

CLAIRE

Why?

JASON

There is 23 million dollars on the

line, people kill for that kind of

money, and they probably don't care

who they kill either. I trust him just

as much as you, he is my older

brother.

CLAIRE

I guess we're all good friends

here. I could see this being chaotic

if we didn't know each other very

well.

JASON

Yea, no kidding.

JASON

[Repeating to himself] 23 million.

Jason pulls up to a house and leaves the car on. He walks to the

front door and knocks once. His brother, Derek (who is

pretty tall, large and strong; not someone you would want to

mess with), walks out. They both walk to the car, Jason sits

in the front seat and Derek sits in the back.

JASON

Claire, you drive to the forest

grove, I haven't been there in

years and we all know your the one

who has the memory.

CLAIRE

Alright.

Claire changes seats with Jason. Pulls out of the driveway and

starts to drive.

JASON

Derek, did you bring them?

DEREK

Yea, I brought both. I'll keep them

with me, if things start to heat up

I will give you the second one.

JASON

Just give it to me now.

DEREK

Not unless you really need it,

little brother. (Looks back the

road) Not unless you really need

it.

CLAIRE

What are you two talking about?

Derek reaches in his coat and pulls out a handgun, then puts it

back in.

CLAIRE

Uh, excuse me? Are we looking for a

lunch pail or going on a damn

manhunt?!

JASON

23 million, Claire. Were lucky as

far as we know only one other

person knows generally where the

capsule is. And he has one card, we

have two.

CLAIRE

Were not shooting anyone. 23

million is not worth murder.

JASON

It's just for protection.

CLAIRE

No, we are leaving them in the car.

We do not need them.

DEREK

We are taking them Claire.

CLAIRE

Um, no, your not.

DEREK

Yes, we are. You will be thankful

when I save your life.

CLAIRE

I don't- GAH!... I hate men.

Claire begins muttering curses under her breath. Jason looks

back at Derek and they quietly chuckle. Camera fades black.

EXT.CAR PARKING.DAY

The car pulls off on a dirt road and begins driving down it. The

car comes to a spot where another car is parked. All three

of them get out of the car.

JASON

Somebody's here.

CLAIRE

It could be anyone. This grove

isn't restricted property

JASON

It's a rental.

Jason points at the license plate, the frame says "Hertz

Auto Rental Service". Derek quickly walks around the car

looking through the windows, doing a very crude search of

the inside of the car.

DEREK

I don't see anything suspicious.

Claire is probably right. Lets get

started, we need to do this as

quickly as possible.

JASON

Right.

Jason pulls out the cards from his coat. He looks at the first

one and reads it out loud.

JASON

Okay, so the card says 'For

location one walk north through the

forest for approximately a half

mile. You will reach a creek with

two large rocks on either side. It

is quite possible to jump from one

rock to the other across the creek.

On one of the rocks there will be a

number. Consult the second card for

further information on what to do

next.'

Claire pulls out her card after hearing this and reads hers.

CLAIRE

'Follow the creek upstream. When

you see an oak tree turn east. Walk

for about a quarter mile, you will

encounter another oak tree. There is

a number carved into the side of

the tree. Multiply this number by

the number you found at location

one. Consult the third card on what

to do next.'

Derek already had his card out.

DEREK

'The number created for cards 1 and

2 is the number of paces that one

must travel east of the oak tree in

location found in two. Where the paces

end dig a bit and you will find a

map. The map has the location of

the capsule marked on it.'

There is a short pause.

JASON

Sounds easy enough. Lets get going.

DEREK

Wait.

JASON

Yea?

DEREK

We should all go in different

directions. Or at least some of us.

I know where the creek is, I will

go towards it in a different

direction and meet you at the rock.

JASON

Not if you don't give me a gun.

DEREK

Gah... fine, little brother.

Derek reaches in his coat and hands Jason a handgun. Claire does

an audible grunt of disapproval.

JASON

See you in a bit.

DEREK

Likewise.

Jason and Claire have been walking through the forest for just

a few minutes.

CLAIRE

I want to go a different way, I

want to pass our old campsite all

three of our families would always

stay at when we were children.

JASON

Thats a bit longer.

CLAIRE

Yea, and?

JASON

You go, just meet me at the creek.

CLAIRE

But...

JASON

You'll be fine, no one is here.

CLAIRE

Alright.

Claire and Jason part ways. The camera goes back to the parking

lot. Someone comes out of the forest. They get some keys out

and unlock the doors to the rental car. They go into the

back and lift up the seat revealing a compartment. In the

compartment there is a large bolt-action rifle. The person

picks up the rifle and loads a round into it. All you see

are the person's hands which have black gloves on them. All

three people, Jason, Claire, and Derek are wearing black

gloves.

EXT.FOREST GROVE.DAY

Jason is walking through the forest. Jason is leading the

two. Jason pauses after hearing something.

JASON

What the hell?

Jason begins looking around. He is panning around slowly, there

is an audible "crunch" in the distance of dry leaves. Jason

immediately turns in the direction, but doesn't see

anything. Suddenly a gun shot rings out, a tree branch next

to Jason explodes and almost falls on him.

JASON

Crap!

Jason instinctively pulls out his gun and begins pointing it in

different directions. Another shot rings out, this time

Jason hears the bullet go past his head. No one can see the

shooter. Jason begins running the direction of the creek.

There is two more gun shots and then silence but everyone

keeps running. Jason comes into a clearing and almost run

straight into the creek. Jason looks down and up the creek.

And looks up the creek and down the creek, looking down he

sees the two rocks. He begins running towards them. When he

reach the rock Jason pauses. He crosses the creek and goes

behind the rock on the other side. He sits down leaning

against the rock panting heavily.

CLAIRE

Jason?

Jason looks from behind the rock and waves his arm. Claire and

Derek join him behind the rock. Both are panting as well.

DEREK

Where those gun shots?

Jason just nods his head. Derek's face turns really serious. Claire

gets upset.

CLAIRE

This is ludicrous!

JASON

Shh! Claire, not so loud.

CLAIRE

I was fine with this, you know? It

thought "Oh, it's just a scavenger

hunt, maybe it would be fun." Then

I hear gun shots, I suddenly I went

from worrying if we were going to

be home before dark to thinking you would

be lying on the ground with a

bullet through your head!

JASON

Calm down!

CLAIRE

Calm? You were just shot at Jason!

DEREK

I didn't realize this would be so

serious...

CLAIRE

It isn't, do you know why? We're

leaving, right now. This isn't

worth 23 million dollars, not one

single fricken bit!

JASON

Alright Claire, you can go back to

the car and wait for us.

Claire pauses and looks back into the forest the direction they

ran from.

CLAIRE

I'll risk it. I will keep the car

running for you two in case you

come out of the forest with bullets

at your heels.

DEREK

Claire, don't. It's dangerous.

CLAIRE

Ha, wow. Dangerous? Well I am

leaving the forest, they want the

brooch so he will not mind me

leaving. If I were him I would be

following you two! So, meet me back

at the parking lot when you realize

your life isn't worth 23 million.

Claire gets up and crosses the creek and goes back into

DEREK

Jeez.

JASON

Maybe she is right. Were gambling

with our lives.

DEREK

No, we will be fine. Lets keep

going.

JASON

[Sighs]Okay...

Jason and Derek pull out water bottles and begin drinking. Jason

looks around for the number. It doesn't take him very long.

JASON

Found it. It is 19.

DEREK

Alright, lets get going.

Jason and Derek cross the creek. Jason sees Claire's

cellphone on the ground. He assumes she dropped. He picks up

the cellphone and notices two brass shells next to it.

JASON

Derek, look at this.

Derek walks over.

DEREK

No...

JASON

I don't think she went back to the

car.

EXT.FOREST GROVE 2ND LOCATION.DAY

Jason and Derek walk towards the oak tree mentioned in the

second card. They go into a clearing and see a man leaned

against the tree with his arms folded. He was wearing a

baseball cap, dark sunglasses, and a cloth around the rest

of his face. He sees them approaching.

STRANGER

Ah, so nice of you to show up. I am

hoping you are not foolish and you

will give me the cards?

JASON

Over my grave. We know what your

after, the brooch.

STRANGER

Ah, yes. You know what's funny

Jason? I bet your wondering how I

know about all of this.

JASON

It crossed my mind...

STRANGER

Your Dad stole the gem, Jason. The

day it was stolen you kids were at

the park, your Dad dropped it hours

after he pocketed it. He panicked, then

he found it in your room. Thats

when he suggested the time capsule.

It is interesting, because all

along he was planning on recovering

the capsule himself to sell the

brooch when the item wasn't so hot

that every jeweler would be looking

for it. I guess he never got the

chance, did he?

The stranger takes a step towards Jason. Derek pulls the handgun out

of his jacket and points it at the man's chest. The man

turns to Derek.

STRANGER

Ah, Derek. Do you really think

Claire and Jason were going to share

the money with you? It is their

brooch after all.

Derek's hand began shaking a tiny bit on the gun.

STRANGER

No, they were probably going to get

the money and skip town. Hell, they

could go anywhere with 23 million.

You would never be able to

Derek's hand began shaking more.

STRANGER

Turn on them, give me the cards, we

will share the money. Split it,

50/50.

Derek's hand begins shaking tremendously. He lowers the gun slowly,

then quickly brings it back up but at that exact moment the

Stranger did a roundhouse kick to the side of his head.

Derek drops and his gun falls on the ground next to Jason.

Jason reaches for it but the Stranger does a roll and picks

up the gun. He jumps out of the roll turns around and begins

pointing it Jason. At this moment Claire walks into the

clearing, Jason looks at her.

JASON

CLAIRE!!!

Jason lunges for her, the stranger shoots a round into the air.

Jason stops in his tracks.

STRANGER

Don't even move.

JASON

Claire! How could you? Why did you

do this?!

CLAIRE

What are--

STRANGER

SHUT UP!

Jason and Claire look at the stranger. He is pointing the

gun at both of them, alternating.

STRANGER

Alright Claire, I know your the one

who has the cards, hand them over

darling.

Claire doesn't say anything. The stranger takes two steps

and grabs Jason, putting him in a head lock. He puts the gun

to his head.

STRANGER

Claire, you don't want his blood on

your hands, give me the cards.

Jason begins reaching for a knife in his pocket, he points this

out to Claire. The stranger is oblivious and doesn't notice.

Jason has his right hand in his pocket and slowly begins to

pull out the knife.

CLAIRE

Here!

Claire throws the cards on the ground next to the stranger. The

stranger quickly shoves Jason to the ground before he can

pull out his knife completely. The stranger picks up the

cards and looks at Claire.

STRANGER

Thanks, darling.

The stranger lifts up his glasses, winks at Claire, and puts them

back on and runs off into the forest. Jason charges after

the stranger.

EXT.FOREST GROVE RUNNING.DAY

Jason runs after the stranger through the forest. The stranger

sees this and picks up the pace. The stranger takes sharp

and complex turns. Soon Jason can't find him anymore, and

turns back in the direction he came from.

EXT.FOREST GROVE 2ND LOCATION.DAY

Claire is over by Derek, he is still unconscious but is breathing.

She puts his head on her pack to cushion it. Jason comes

back and looks at her.

JASON

It makes sense now.

Claire stands up and looks at him.

JASON

Your working with him aren't you?!

CLAIRE

What?

JASON

You were shooting at me! You gave

him the cards! I had him, there was

no chance for him. I HAD HIM!

CLAIRE

Jason! Calm down!

JASON

He winked at you! What was that

about? Huh?! What the hell was that

about?!

CLAIRE

I don't know!

Jason pulls his gun and points it at Claire.

CLAIRE

Jason! Calm down, hold on one

second!

Claire reaches in her coat with her left hand and begins to pull

something out. Jason thinks she is pulling out a gun and

pulls his trigger. Claire gets hit in the left shoulder and

keels over. She drops some note cards that were in her left

hand. The camera focuses on the cards, they are the real

ones. She gave the stranger the fake cards. Jason looks

horrified.

JASON

Oh my God. What did I just do...

Jason drops the gun and runs over to Claire. She is unconscious.

He kneels next to her and begins crying. He gets a hold of

himself in a few moments and stops crying. He puts her on

his back and begins walking away. He stops by Derek's body.

JASON

I'll be right back, brother.

Jason walks off camera carrying Claire. A few moments later the

stranger walks out from behind some bushes and looks at the

scene, and down at the cards. He takes off his cap, his sun

glasses, and his beanie to reveal himself to the camera. He

is Will, easily identifiable from the picture in scene 3. He

picks up the cards dropped by Claire after she was shot and

picks up the gun. He pockets both and walks off camera.

Derek begins to stir, and a transition takes place.

EXT.FOREST GROVE FINAL LOCATION.DAY

Will begins digging next to a tree. It dose not take him

long and he hits something metallic. He digs in the dirt

with his hands and pulls out a lunch pale, now rusty and

very dirty. He opens it and pulls out the brooch. He looks

at it. He drops it and it lands on the note cards he had placed

on the ground. He picks it up again and notices some blood

got on the brooch, he looks down at the note card. There is

a huge stain on it, the text is barley legible. Will throws

the brooch back into the pail and leans his back to the

tree, he slowly moves down the tree into the fetal position,

and he begins weeping.

INT.HOSPITAL.DAY

Jason walks into the emergency room with Claire on his back. He

stumbles and falls to his knees.

JASON

Somebody help me!

Hospital attendants get a stretcher and put Claire carefully on

it and wheel her off. Jason just sits there still on his

knees staring at Claire as she is wheeled off down the all.

EXT.FOREST GROVE FINAL LOCATION.DAY

Will is still weeping. He looks at the post card again, it

is stained in blood. There is a quick flashback.

EXT.FOREST GROVE 2ND LOCATION.DAY

Same scene, but this time you can see Will looking from behind

bushes as Jason shoots Claire.

EXT.FOREST GROVE FINAL LOCATION.DAY

Will stops crying. He picks up the brooch and begins running through

the forest.

INT.CLAIRE'S HOSPITAL ROOM.DAY

Jason is sitting next to Claire, she is still unconscious on the

bed. He has hid head at his knees. He looks up at her for a

bit.

JASON

He planted the shells... It wasn't

you...It is at times like these one

asks, "Who am I?" I do this often,

and I usually respond "I am Jason

McArker. I am dependable,

intelligent, respectable, humble,

and virtuous." We are what we want,

right? I say I am all of these

great things about myself, because

no one knows me better then myself,

right? Jason McArcker just pulled a

trigger while pointing a gun at a

friend he has known all of his

life. That wasn't dependable, it

wasn't intelligent, hell if it was

respectable, I will be damned if it

was humble, and God would frown if

anyone called it virtuous. Do you

know how scary it is to think you

know yourself, then suddenly you

realize you don't?

JASON

You know, its funny. The movies,

the poems, the quotes... They all

say love is the greatest power...

that nothing can defeat it. In a

second, one second, a single greedy

emotion just erased twenty years of friendship,

and I pulled a trigger. Was our

bond not strong enough? Was our

friendship a fluke? Was I weak? I

don't know... But you and I... and

Will, we had a friendship that I

believe was stronger then most married

couples. We are constantly seeing

this aren't we? The forces of evil...

they're always stronger. Greed just

defeated love, one finger acted

against everything I have ever

stood for. One finger, one second, and

the love just vanished. One second

later, and it is back, but too late.

My finger has already sinned

against me. I suppose I was weak, but

this will never happen again.

JASON

We don't need the brooch, we never

did. We don't need the money, it just

isn't worth it. That guy probably

has the brooch right now and I just

don't care.

JASON

It's cursed, it changes hands so

often because of betrayal. I should

of realized this, I shouldn't of

pursued it.

Derek walks in, he has a bandage wrapped around his head. He leans

against the door frame.

DEREK

It isn't cursed. We are trying to

blame all of this on the brooch.

There is no such thing a curses. We

did this shit ourselves.

JASON

We?

DEREK

Your not the only culprit little

brother. The man, who ever he is,

he made me think, he made me

hesitate. I believed, even if it

was for just a second. I lowered my

gun and he took advantage of that.

JASON

I just can't believe I did...

Jason has a long look at Claire.

JASON

Please wake up.

DEREK

Let's stay here the night. We'll

see if the brooch is left in the

morning, if it is we will get rid

of it.

They sit in silence.

DEREK

What did you say to the police?

JASON

Someone was stalking us and when we

confronted him he shot and ran.

DEREK

You realize there going to get both

of us because you left the gun on

the ground.

JASON

Don't we deserve it?

Camera pans out the door. Will is leaning against the wall outside

the patient room. It looks like he had been there awhile, he

has a few tears streaming down his cheek. He takes a deep

breath and walks away.

EXT.FOREST GROVE FINAL LOCATION.NIGHT

Will finds the spot with his flashlight. He picks up the brooch

from the pale and closes it. Placing it back in the hole.

EXT.FOREST LAKE.NIGHT

Will drives along a bridge and stops the car, walking out.

He is carrying a small bag. He looks in it to reveal the

brooch and two handguns. He closes the bag and throws it

over the bridge. It lands in the water and sinks. He gets

back in the car.

INT.CLAIRE'S HOSPITAL ROOM.NIGHT

Will walks into Claire's room. Derek and Jason are asleep in their

chairs. Will walks up to Claire and kisses her on the

forehead.

WILL

I'm so sorry. I just committed the

worst crime I could imagine. I

can't be here, I can't take this.

It is just best you remember me as dead.

I love you.

Will kisses her on the forehead again and leaves the room. Claire

slowly opens her eyes just as he leaves the room.

CLAIRE

Will?

Will freezes just outside her door. He still has visible tears

on his cheek. Will whispers to himself.

WILL

I'm sorry.

And he continues to walk away. Claire yells one more time.

CLAIRE

Will!

Jason wakes up to see Claire staring at the door. He rushes through

the door and scans around real quickly, he dosn't see

anyone. He goes back to Claire and begins stroking her hair,

hold her head agaisnt his chest.

JASON

It was a dream. Claire, I'm so

sorry.

CLAIRE

I...

CLAIRE

I forgive you.

Jason begins crying.

EXT.FOREST LAKE.DAY

Will looks over at the river he tossed the brooch into. He gets

into his car and begins driving away. It shows him drive

past the city limits sign.


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Comments



Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 15

Donate
Wed Jun 06, 2007 7:06 pm
regalredstar wrote a review...



It was really good, There's just a couple problems with the story that I'd like to comment on.

JASON
I don't... Oh, I know what you
want. And the answer is no.

Jason flips his cell phone closed and looks at Claire. It flashes
quickly to the stranger (still only half his face showing).
He smiles and puts down the phone. It flashes back.

JASON
Someone stole Will's card, they
want the brooch. They were offering
$100 each for our note cards.


It logically makes no sense for Jason to know what the stranger wants at this point. This is probably something you should change evetually.

Derek already had his card out.

DEREK
'The number created for cards 1 and
2 is the number of paces that one
must travel east of the oak tree in
location found in two. Where the paces
end dig a bit and you will find a
map. The map has the location of
the capsule marked on it.'

How did Derek get a card? Until now you've implied that there was only two others, namely clare's and jason's. Also, you need to make sure you leave a missing piece of the puzzle for Will's card.

That's all i can think of right now. the story's really good, and I can't wait until I can go see it in theaters! :D
~®®§




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 8

Donate
Wed May 30, 2007 10:07 pm
Zebus says...



Fine, I posted it in text.




User avatar
1176 Reviews


Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

Donate
Wed May 30, 2007 10:23 am
Twit says...



Noonononononono! You need to put the actual writing on here so we can tear it apart! Otherwise, how can I crit?

-Twit





Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh