Note: A Tor is a creature, slightly smaller than a man, with teardrop-shaped ears that can hear very well. Dugon are evil 1/2 goblin, 1/2 dwarf.
Philip Taer strung his bow and whistled for his black horse.
“Well, off we go again on another adventure!” he said to the beast; it snorted knowingly. He rode slowly straining his ears for different sounds.
A clanking sound reached his ears. “Very strange,”
He reached for a small pouch on his belt and pulled out a thin reed whistle. He blew a couple of soft notes, stopped to pull something out of it, and blew a shrill whistle. Now to any normal folk near by it would have seemed like he had lost his breath, for no sound issued from the tube, but to the ears of a Tor it was a high pitched signal. Phil put the whistle away.
They rode on steadily and quietly, covering much ground in little time. The black was a young horse, but was also a forest bred horse and could find his way through the thickest of brush. If a horse of the black’s quality did not want to be seen in the trees, he would not be.
Philip saw a slight thinning in the trees and slowed down. He dismounted and the black slipped out of his view. Once again he pulled out the whistle and made a series of signals. Responses came echoing through the trees. A cord was around his neck and an object hanging on his back. It was a wooden mask; stained various hues of green and brown. He put in on.
Philip started forward through the trees until he reached a large clearing and stopped at its edge, merging in with the woods. Around twenty Dugon riders were there in the clearing all mounted on wolves. The beasts were sniffing and wondering at the strange whistles that they had heard. Meanwhile the part-dwarves were busy trying to find why the wargs had stopped and trying to get them moving again.
Philip Taer, a captain of the Torish, strung his recurve bow and pulled an arrow out of his green leather quiver. He drew it taut and for one second his eyes met those of a giant wolf not far from him. The arrow ripped through the wolf’s throat and the rider was sent sprawling. At the same time, eighteen or so arrows went flying from the once peaceful wood to penetrate hide and flesh alike. Shrieking Dugon were sent flying and wolves charged willy-nilly into the woods, not to return.
One wolf, smelling Tor flesh, came cascading toward Philip and he proceeded to put an arrow down the creatures gaping throat. A Dugon charged across the clearing and a Tor stepped out to meet him. An especially large wolf turned toward the revealed Tor and charged him head on. Seeing the dire situation Philip fired a quick arrow at the dashing creature and it turned in its berserk fury toward the new target. Philip drew his sword. The shining steel slid through the charging wolf’s ribs as it lunged at Phil.
Philip stepped back and concealed himself behind a large fern and whistled quietly for his horse. The black popped out suddenly and Phil mounted. The full battle was on and hiding from the wolf’s great sense of smell would be impossible. So, Phil took off the impeding mask and galloped into the clearing.
Realizing the weakness of his position, he charged at the right group of Dugon, as to not expose his weak left side. He came abreast of his enemy and leaned to his right, stabbing into the scout’s exposed throat. A nearby Dwarf raised his infamous Dugon-style crossbow. The crank was locked and the bow taut; bolt in place. Now Philip was not a captain for nothing, and had some experience in battle. He had no shield, so he had drawn his curved hunting knife with his left hand. Simply, he twisted around and sent the knife flying toward the crossbowman.
The knife flew toward the Dugon and missed, but the dwarf ducked anyway. Philip came upon him and struck him down. A large Dugon threw himself out from behind a big rock and hooked the bottom of his axe around Phil’s right arm. His sword clanged against the axe blade and he was wrenched off the black horse. He landed, rolled, and then leaped out of the dwarf’s reach.
“Orion !” Philip yelled, and he blitzed forward, knocking the dwarf’s axe aside. He raised his shining sword and it reflected the waning light of the afternoon sun. The Dugon collapsed with a helm cut in two. Captain Philip Taer turned around to face the main force of enemies. He stood, his legs slightly apart, pointing his sword toward the violators of the woods. He stood solidly as they came towards him but his plea was not left unheard. The Tors charged; he smiled grimly.
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Canary word: Present
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Any ideas for the name of the horse or do you think I should just leave him without a name?
Oh, and about posting more soon...I might try a few more excerpts but probably won't start posting the full story untill later.
hi! Thanks a lot for your comments, everyone.
They help a lot.
To Griffinkeeper: First, the reason for a lot of the problems and confusion with this story is that it is an exerpt from a big novel. I've already explained what Tors and Dugon are. I do like your little example,
I'll try to do this better
I made a few slight changes. Might do more in a bit. Thanks!
This story has a few problems with it.
This is a red flag. What it means is that you are unable to describe this in the story. This is a bad sign. Instead of talking about what a Dugon or a Tor look like, describe them when they come onto the scene. Not only will this advance the story, but you will also be able to go into more depth about them (good or evil, strong or weak, etc.)
Putting a note like this makes it look like you don't know what you are doing.
Is this really how you want to portray your character? As some guy who talks to himself and a horse? This paragraph is inconsistent. You call the horse three things: horse, beast, and companion. Is a horse? A wild horse? Or does it have some personal relationship with the rider?
There are other inconsistencies: Why isn't he riding the horse at the beginning? How is he able to determine how many people are out there?
I think you are working way too hard to convey information to the reader. You are using the one sided dialog to communicate what is going on to the reader, that is, the character is telling the author what is going on.
The result is that the dialog becomes extremely corny, for very obvious reasons: if the character all ready knows that there are 20 bad guys nearby, then why does he need to say it aloud?
Honestly, it is redundant.
After this, you proceed to have a battle, probably because you were bored and thought a battle would spice things up.
The thing about it is that it wasn't boring because of what the character was or wasn't doing, it was in the way you were describing what he was doing. You told us what his every move was, you told us everything about his horse, about his abilities, about his equipment, and about his allies and enemies. You also made sure we knew everything about him.
The result was that it became more of a tour book then it was a story.
"And on your left is Captain Philip Taer, with his trusty steed, who's name is unknown. In a few moments you will see him kill a bunch of bad guys, and here they are! Look at him summon his allies! Oh he killed one..." and so the tour guide continues, taking all the drama that uncertainty would have given this scene and dumps it down the drain. You are that tour guide.
Do not describe why he is doing what he is doing, describe how he moves, what he does, but keep what he knows unknown. This makes the reader curious, who is this character?
He rode his horse along the road, when suddenly Phillip pulled back on the reins. The horse stopped and Phillip sat quietly for a few moments. His head cocked to his left. He turned the horse towards the right side of the road and moved into the forest.
A moment later, a troop of Dugon's rode by at full gallop.
Notice that when you first read this, you wonder why he stops, which forces you to keep reading on. The period of time that he spends waiting keeps us waiting, building the suspense. Then, he cocks his head (making you wonder what he detected) before he heads into the forest, (making us cringe, because something bad is coming, but what?)
The next paragraph tells us why. There were a bunch of bad guys coming down the road. Notice how this transitions to the next paragraph? In this next paragraph we could describe what Phillip does now, after this group of bad guys pass him. Will he chase after them? Will he go in another direction? What's next?
Try re-writing this story using showing instead of telling.
Overall, your story here seems to have been well-thought out, and you seem to know what you are doing. The flow sounds good, but I did notice a few typos.
I love the way that you vividly describe things, such as when you say:
This was my favourite sentence in the whole excerpt, for it was extremly well-done, and you can actually see what is happening.
Great job, are you posting more soon?
No, dugon sounds too much like "dugong" which is the sea cow, ugly heavy fat sea creature. What about:
* Lerant
* Kiutyan
* Piole
* Rencyme
* Renkymna
As a thought, you don't have to, but I'd change the Dugon.
I'm doing Dugon, it does sound better; more fanasy-like.
I again
I can only really echo what shadow said. YOu would have been a very clever person to have made up your own language!
What do you think, would Dugon (do gone) or mabye Dugan (Duh-gan) do? Any ideas?
- Dugon, In my opinion osunds better
Meevs
x
Hey thanks! Sorry if you'll be utterly disappointed
but I have not really made up a language, just made up the word on the spot; but still, it's a start! About the italics and footnote, I did do that on word, but changed it for here cause I didn't know if you could do them here. Thanks anyway.
I admit this part has many cliches and such, but the rest of the story doesn't have near as many (I hope) but all in all this is not the most original story and wasn't nessassarily meant to be.
The Dunain thing is a big problem. When I first "made it up," I thought it was too much like Dunadan, but for some reason kept it. What do you think, would Dugon (do gone) or mabye Dugan (Duh-gan) do? Any ideas?
I have some ideas to fix some of the other things. Anywho thanks!
Okay, the first lines set tiny little alarm bells ringng. This looks disturbingly like a LOTR-esque story. Wargs are direct from LOTR, dwarfs I suppose you can get away with as they've become common as the muck they dig, but Dunain looks uneasily like "Dunadan." Your main character has a black horse which responds to him, he hints of a "darkness" which has been let loose. That's just been dun too many times before.
That's a compliment, btw.
I think it would be good to put the words in italics, and say what it means at the bottom in a foot note. It makes it clearer.
That aside, there's a few typos in here, and grammar mistakes, and some sentances don't read that well.
Don't be put off by this, your style seems sound, (hey, alliteration, go me!) and your writing looks as though you could create something good, without getting entangled in cliches and stereotypes.
You've made a language, Torish? Goodie! I like languages in fantasy stories.
Oh, and don't do a Christopher Paolini (can't get away from him, can I?) and make your language all flowery and archaic. Avoid words like "cloven" and "wrought" and "smote." They do not work in appealling to the reader.
So, nix the cliches, and you'll have something good here! I hope you found this helpful - it isn't meant to be discouraging.
-Twit