Twit

Your dialogue is too wordy. The characters say things, but what they say isn't very important. Yes, build up a picture of Jason's life and his relationship with his uncle, ...

I wanta know what they're going to do next and what they going to do with Amasye. :) MM did the nitpick; there's no heavy mistakes in here. Just do ...

Yuh, good again, hardly any errors. :D She knocked on the door . “Are you ready, your majesties?” she asked through the door . The door opened and Lucy appeared ...

I'm envious. For years (well, lots of months) I've tried to write poetry that would pass the gauntlet, and you do it first time around. *sulks* From the Vogon's point ...

All that about the Chaos Dragon and Dragon Knights sounds intimidating... :) But that bit about the moon and negative energies was good. My main worry is that "Dragon Knights" ...

Great job describing Brad's anger, though, yes, the bad laguage was off-putting. But his emotions were put down well. :D Although I'd make his speech in the woods thoughts, as ...

Oh, they split?? Money is the root of all evil, and all that. Foreshadowing...... seperations....... bad news..... the BIG BAD WOLF!!! No, sorry, very good chapter once again. :)

VERY enjoyable! :D Since you've done the edits, and Kitty did a very thorough crit, there's nothing for me to say, save that i really liked it, and change this ...

Very good! I read the first part of this, I think, but forgot about it. :oops: Now I see that this is really good! Carry on! :D

I've gotten out of touch with this, and thanks to the bug, I can't find the other bits in your 'folio. :mad: Your actual writing is better here than in ...

Oh, freaky. :mrgreen: Very freaky. I found this bit odd, though: What was Tommy doing there? And who was holding him?..... The thing holding Tommy shifted him to one arm ...

Phew, I don't have to do grammer. It gives me a headache. The thing I'd really consider is making it shorter. Seeing something this long puts people off reading it. ...

I thought this was good. :) Yes, the fact that the boy (he's Strick, right?) is too young to talk like that, does make this a bit unrealistic, but I ...

Good, but I think it could have a better ending; it's a bit too "up-in-the-air" for my liking. :) Otherwise, it's very well written, and the characters are believable. The ...

Yuh, this is good! I think you did the (dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun) foreshadowing just fine. Stands to reason that it can't stay perfect. :) With her chores done and permission to sit ...