z

Young Writers Society



Worrior of the Wind #1

by piepiemann22


Life went on as it usually did. The birds flew, the sun rose and set, and people went on. For a time that was all there was. Day by day nothing changed till darkness began to grow again. Nothing would ever be the same, and things were set into motion that no one could have predicted. They were reborn in the hearts of the true.

On the outskirts to a small town there was a fire. The family was trapped inside and there was no way to calm the blaze. It seemed as if it was possessed, determined to bring the whole house down. When there was nothing left, everyone thought the family was dead. That was until a fireman searching the grounds came upon a young child in the brush. He looked to be no older than nine and was wearing a strange necklace. When questioned about what happened he kept to himself. He would stare blankly at the wall as if in deep thought.

He saw himself running through his burning home. The air filled with smoke burning his eyes and make it hard for him to breath. “Mom, Dad, Sis, where are you?” He yelled, but started coughing due to the smoke. Soon after he heard his mother scream. He rushed towards the sound. When he came to the point of origin he saw his mother dead on the floor. A second later his father’s body flew over his head into the wall. “Father!” The sound was muffled because of the crying. A second later he vomited and fell on his hands and knees.

“So you lived.”

Jason turned around to see a dark figure in front of him. He screamed out in agony.

Jason awoke during the middle of the night, sweating. Once again he had the dream about the fire. Seeing his parents dead upon the floor and a dark figure standing in front of him. He threw away the sheets and sat up. He whipped the sweat from his forehead. The alarm went off a second later.

“Another bad night,” he said scratching his neck. Jason stood up and stretched. He raised the shade on his window and let the light in. “At least during the summer there’s at least some light in the morning.”

The sky was gray in the early hours. The town of Merrian Heights was small and peaceful. The fire six years ago was the biggest and only tragedy it had ever seen. Located at the base of a mountain the closest town was about sixty miles away so they didn’t get many visitors. The town still had everything it needed though. Plenty of stores and jobs. In fact, everyone was happy. Nothing unusual ever really happened there and the townsfolk were fine with that. Jason was the only one who didn’t feel that way. He would take the first bus out of there is he ever got the chance.

Jason looked at his bed. The blue comforter was getting to be a nuisance. He took it off and threw it next to the door. Then he made the rest of his bed and headed over to the closet. He pulled out a white t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. Luckily the heat never bothered him. His Uncle said he inherited natural anti-freeze and a central cooling system from his great grandmother. He headed for the bath room. Just as he was about to open the door his uncle came out.

“Morning Jason,” said his Uncle John. He was an average man. Had a job as the day manager down at the local supermarket and was the only living relative of Jason's left alive.

“Uncle, will you ever shave that beard of yours?”

Uncle John scratched his chin, “Never.”

"You know, now that I think about it You don't look much like my father. Are you sure you his older brother?"

"Yes, but are you really my nephew. I mean by now you'd have a beard if you were a Roberts."

"You just have to throw every little joke I make back at me don't you Uncle."

Uncle John gave Jason his famous grin before stepping out of the way.

Jason went into the bathroom to take his shower while his Uncle went into his room. Has Jason was starting the shower when he thought he heard his Uncle say something, "Something wrong Uncle John?" His uncle's response was no, so he didn't think anything of it. After his shower Jason made his way down the hall to the kitchen. Uncle John was sitting at the end of the round table in the middle of the room.

He looked up from is paper, “You take long showers.”

"Well, maybe the ones you take are too short." He looked at his uncle only to see him sweating, though he had no idea as to why. Keeping that in the back of his mind he walked to the left towards the fridge. He grabbed a carton of milk and placed it on the counter. He open the cabinet above him and took out a bowl and a box of wheat flakes . He pored himself a bowl of cereal and brought it back to the table. He grabbed a seat across from his uncle.

“You know Jason, I don’t know how you can be such a morning person.” He looked up at Jason who was eating his cereal. He saw the necklace hanging from his chest. It was a rope chain with an attachment on the end. On it was a round white stone, “Are you ever going to get rid of that stone around your neck?”

Jason grasped it, “Never. It’s all I have left of them. Mom, Dad, Elizabeth, it lets me know that they’re here.”

Jason’s Uncle looked worried and disappointed. For some reason he didn’t want Jason to have that stone, like it was cursed. “Well, I’ll go shower now.”

“You didn’t earlier, why Uncle John?”

“Unlike you I’m not a morning person. It’s called using the bathroom.”

“Well that explains the smell,” he said under his breath.

“What?” Asked Uncle John behind his back.

“Oh nothing Uncle, I’ll see you later okay. I’ve got a game.” Jason finished his breakfast and headed out the front door. The air was crisp and clean. He began to run towards the center of town. He looked around seeing lights starting to come on.

“That game doesn’t start till 8:45. It’s only 7:13, what a strange kid.” He shut the door behind him.

After about a mile Jason made it to town. Living on the outskirts wasn’t fun, though the run in was down hill. When he reached the fountain in the center of the town he regretted not riding his bike. Out of breath he sat down on a bench and watched people and cars go by.

Time passed by and at around 8:30 a boy Jason’s age approached him. He wore grey shorts with a white shirt. His dirty blond hair got caught in his eyes, “Dang it.”

“Kyle you fool, even I fix up my hair a bit in the morning.”

“Well it’s good to see you too Jason.”

They shook hands and took off in the direction of the fields just outside.

“Jason?”

“What Kyle?” Jason looked at him, his head was down. “You okay?”

“I don’t know, I had a weird dream last night,” and without waiting for a word from Jason he went on. “I was an Angel I think. I had white wings and a golden sword. There were things all around me, demons maybe. They were dead, I killed them and was soaked in blood. It was only a dream, but, but it seemed so real.

“Strange.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“Why would I know?”

“Well, I don’t mean to be rude, but you know a lot about dreams.

Jason looked down and thought, That’s true. “Well, for now lets think about the game.”

Kyle nodded and they continued to walk. A minute or so later they arrived at the baseball fields. There were about twenty other guys there.

“Look,” said one, “It’s Roberts and Tine.”

Everyone turned to face Jason Roberts and Kyle Tine. They were the best baseball players in Merrian Heights. The fields were nothing special. They were grass with chalk lines. The only field with dirt and a fence was owned by the school. Only league games could be played there. Baseball was the only sport offered so all the kids played it. They had even split themselves into teams. Jason and Kyle were the captains of the White Angles, the number one team.

They approached the rest of their team. Jason spoke first, “Who are we facing today guys?”

One said, “The Strikers, they’re ranked number three.”

“Well,” said Kyle, “This should be a good game.”

As they waited for the umpire to get there Jason sat on a large rock not far away. He had looked at the clouds roll by clenching the white stone in his hand. He thought of the night of the fire. Seeing his parents dead smoking corpses on the floor and a dark figure standing over them. Then the part he didn’t understand, a light. Before he supposedly passed out he remembered seeing a bright white light. It seemed to consume him. Then, the light disappeared and all he could see was darkness surrounding him. Why was Elizabeth never found?

“Jason!”

He snapped back and turned. Kyle was running toward him. He ran so fast it seemed as though he was possessed. He finally reached him out of breath.

“What’s wrong?”

"Nothing, the ump's here, let's begin."

"Okay, then why did you run?"

“It's your uncle who's our umpire today."

"What!?"

He looked over Kevin shoulder to see his uncle putting on leg guards. “Well, I don't need to walk home after the game at least.”

The game started there so after. The Angels took a quick lead scoring three points in the first 3 innings stopping the strikers. Next at bat the strikers hit a double to let in a run, but it wouldn't cause a dent. At his next bat Jason smacked a home run to let in three more runs. No one score for the rest of the game so it ended 6-1 Angels.

After the game Jason walked up to his uncle, "Why did you decide to ump today's game?"

"To make sure that you returned after the game," he said with a smile.

Jason looked at his watch, it read 11:45. Sighing he walked with his uncle to the car. It was a blue Pontiac. It had no special features or designs, just a car. They arrived back at the house about five minutes later.

"Your only chore today Jason is to sort through the Attic."

"We have an attic?"

"Yes, the door is at the top of your closet."

Jason turned toward the house to look for any indication of an attic, but he couldn't find one.

"Your ceiling in your room is lower than the rest of the house in case you hadn't noticed.

"Come to think of it, it may be lower."

"Go." He pointed at the door.

"Okay, okay, you don't have to be so pushy."

“I’m off, got some selling to do at the store. The manager wants to add a new item to the shelves. Frizzy Pop ice cream.”

“Go, and don’t give me the details. I don’t want to know.”

Jason went to his closet which was a mess. He dumped clothes, sheets, and boxes on the floor and found the ladder and door up. He opened it and headed up. He poked his head up through the hole. There was nothing there.

"Uncle! He just didn’t want me to waist my time out. Stay home and study he says.” He sighed, “Why me.”

He plopped down on the bed. He looked up, down the hall was his uncles room. The door was open and he could see under the bed. There was and odd shape, or so Jason thought. He went in the room and pulled out what ever was under the bed. It was an old book. The cover was cracked. He opened it, the pages were covered in dried blood. He found a small passage he could read. "The soul that binds, giving hope. A heart to free, gives despair. Embrace the power of the Elemental."

At that moment Jason's stone began to glow. Then he started to feel pain, and a lot of it. He felt as if his soul was being ripped out of him. He coughed up some blood. Then the pain stopped. Jason was breathing heavily

“Jason, Jason you home!” Kyle walked into the room to see Jason panting. “Hey, what happened, are you okay?!” Kyle knelt beside Jason. He was clenching the stone around his neck. Kyle looked over to see the book. He picked it up and flipped through the pages. Much of it was blotchy at best. “Come on, we should get you to a doctor.”

“Well, well. Your heart is true. Maybe you’ll be of some use.”

Kyle turned to see who was speaking, but he couldn’t see anyone. “Who’s there?”

“Interesting.” Kyle fell to the floor out cold. “Most interesting in deed.”

Jason stood up, but nearly fell over again because he felt so dizzy. He had to use the wall to keep himself up. Despite his efforts though he slide to the ground. He felt so weak and fell unconscious.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 1823
Reviews: 665

Donate
Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:45 pm
deleted6 wrote a review...



Hmm I felt Jason was a very Gary Sue type character so was his friend. Very unoriginal and I almost stopped reading when i saw you'd written they were "the best". I carried on though because i realized you want to improve and know my first story was even worse. What everyone saying mostly is the speech of ya character is alot of useless info and melodramatic. The dream scene pulled me in but as I read it grew tedious and think I may of skipped stuff accidental. it's very cliche boy has magic rock and when older finds out he's different. At least you didn't make it he'd thought he'd always been different. My advice read about characters, making them believeable etc... Once ya've rewritten show me again I'll gladly reread :).

Good luck VSN




User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 317

Donate
Sun Oct 21, 2007 9:34 pm
Kim says...



this is very good, i just jumped on your site to check out your work, you are great.
now i am going to go read the rest you have up.lol keep writing
kim




User avatar
194 Reviews


Points: 1616
Reviews: 194

Donate
Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:08 pm
greenjay wrote a review...



Has Jason was starting the shower when he thought he heard his Uncle say something,

As...not has :P.

As they waited for the umpire to get there Jason sat on a large rock not far away. He [s]had looked at[/s] the clouds roll by clenching the white stone in his hand.

You might say, "He watched the clouds roll by..."

No one score for the rest of the game so it ended 6-1 Angels.

Scored

Despite his efforts though he slide to the ground. He felt so weak and fell unconscious.

Slid...not slide.

Ooo! What's gonna happen? The fire at the start is pretty exciting, but then it gets kind of boring. At the end it picks up again though...good job! :D

-greenjay




User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 317

Donate
Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:08 am
Kim wrote a review...



ok, so i read the 2nd chapter first, it was enough for me to see if you had the first chapter still up. i really like your story. and will continure to read it to the end. so please hurry and write the 3rd. if you can , let me know when it is up, if you cant thats ok, i will keep checking back.




User avatar
76 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 76

Donate
Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:59 pm
Shadowsun wrote a review...



"Uncle John gave Jason his famous grin before stepping out of the way."


You don't need the speech marks there.

It's good, and I can only echo what everyone else has said due to my gross unorigionality. It has potential.

~ Shadowsun :D




User avatar
185 Reviews


Points: 1175
Reviews: 185

Donate
Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:07 pm
piepiemann22 says...



Alright, thanks. I'll see what i can do.




User avatar
1176 Reviews


Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176

Donate
Wed Jul 11, 2007 12:56 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Your dialogue is too wordy. The characters say things, but what they say isn't very important. Yes, build up a picture of Jason's life and his relationship with his uncle, but don't flood us with useless remarks.

And you could add a LOT more emotion here. At the end, you just tell us that Jason was in a lot of pain, coughed up blood, then the pain stopped. You don't describe Jason's agony, his thoughts at the pain, how he felt after it. SHOW DON'T TELL, and all that. You've heard it loads of times, but it's important.

If you tweaked this and developed it more, made your style more three dimensional, this could be really good. :) It has a lot of potential to be very interesting.




User avatar
185 Reviews


Points: 1175
Reviews: 185

Donate
Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:30 pm
piepiemann22 says...



Thanks for taking the time to read it. I confess I had little time to look it over. When i finished i was given no time really to look it over. Those Grammar mistakes and punctuation errors, well, i make those no matter how many times I look it over. Then again, that's one reason why were here, to learn right?




User avatar
277 Reviews


Points: 6070
Reviews: 277

Donate
Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:17 pm
Black Ghost wrote a review...



He looked to be no older than nine and had a strange necklace around his neck.


Where else would the necklace be? Change the sentence to "He looked to be no older than nine and wore a strange necklace." You could change it up, but I just wanted to give you the general idea. Don't be redundant.

Jason was running through his burning home...


...Okay, what just happened? You need to make it clear that your transitioning scene, because it gets confusing if you continue on as normal. Just place a simple '#' between paragraphs to show scene breaks.

“Mom, Dad, Sis, where are you?” he coughed due to the smoke and fell to his hands ad knees.


and

Jason awoke during the middle of the night, sweating.


Comma missing.

He through away the sheets an sat up.


Wrong word there...should be "threw" and you misspelled "and". I think it should be clear now that you need to read through this again and polish it up some more.

“Morning.” Uncle John was an average man. Had a descent job, made a living and extra, and was always there for Jason.


Don't summarize people...it's very infodumpy. And besides, why should we care about this "Uncle John". There isn't anything interesting about him if he's all you've described him to be. If he's an important character, you should add some spice to him. Make him an interesting guy, you know? And even after you've done that, don't tell everything about him in one sentence. Let us see who is through his actions. If you make him a distinct enough character, he should speak for himself.

Jason went into the bathroom to take his shower while his Uncle went into his room. Under his bed he pulled out an old book. “He must never find it. Liam, what did you do? Now you‘ve put your son at risk.”
“Did you say something Uncle?“ Asked Jason turning starting the shower?”
“Nothing Jason, just talking to myself.” He shoved it back under the bed quickly and went to the kitchen.


This bit is more than a little confusing. First of all...

Jason went into the bathroom to take his shower while his Uncle went into his room. Under his bed he pulled out an old book.

You're switching perspectives here. Not good. Each scene has to have a character viewpoint, and it needs to remain the same throughout the scene. What you're doing here is switching from Jason's viewpoint to his uncle's. This makes it confusing. In fact, I had to read over this bit a couple of time before I realized who was looking under the bed.

You started the viewpoint with Jason, which means you need to follow him to the shower, not Uncle John to the bedroom. That means you'll have to get a bit creative. :D Let's say you follow Jason to the shower, and them have him overhear his uncle muttering something strange from the bedroom. This way the events stay the same, without the annoying POV change.

And remember, try to fix this throughout the chapter, because other times you do this as well, even though slightly.

Asked Jason turning starting the shower?”

Correction: Asked Jason, starting the shower.

He was sweating and not from the heat, Jason knew it.


Very awkward wording here. Your story needs to flow, and sentences like these break the flow, and distract your reader.

An example of an alternate wording: "He was sweating, though Jason knew it wasn't due to heat." ...something like that. You can play with it. :P

“N, Nothing Uncle, I’ll see you later okay. I’ve got a game.”


Stutters are usually represented by lines, not commas. Like this:

"N--Nothing Uncle. I'll see you later, okay? I've got a game." ( I went ahead and fixed the other mistakes as well XD.)

When he reached the fountain in the middle of the center of the town he regretted not ridding his bike.


riding

Just a note: There are a lot more grammatical/puntational mistakes in this, and I've only pointed out a few. Please go through this again, and read over carefully for the mistakes. They really are distracting. Without them, your story would drastically improve.

***

Let's see. Besides all that, there's one thing that bugged me throughout this whole thing.

Dialogue.

The way your characters interact isn't very realistic. I mean, is this how people would normally talk? I don't think so. It all seems a bit melodramatic, and no one really seems to have a distinct voice of any kind. I would suggest reading up on some dialogue tips, or better yet, join Writersdomain's Natural Dialogue usergroup (that is, if you haven't already) because I'm sure that would help a lot.

Keep writing,
Tony





One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah