Hot against my cheek
you make my neck burn
my skin is hot and wet.
You want to be inside
but you can't because
of the anger there
it almost burns the air.
You have to stay away
and if you don't,
Beware
of the anger that can kill in there.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
quick-crit, forgive me if I repeat others.
Ok, the rhyming here is overly simplistic and does nothing but detract. So nix the rhymes.
Your lines aren't in any coherent tense or point-of-view, and one can't enjoy this piece at all because of it. So write your poems with coherency in mind from now on.
AAaaand, finally, this didn't make me feel anything. No emotional response whatsoever. Make me relate, make me care. In fact, head over to the Knowledge base and read Claudette's wonderful article on Emotional Poetry; that'll probably help.
Last, but REALLY not least:
Read. Find out what you like about poetry. What things other's use well, and how you can emulate them in your own unique way.
Best of luck!
~Ed
I'm envious.
Mae carnen.
For years (well, lots of months) I've tried to write poetry that would pass the gauntlet, and you do it first time around. *sulks*
From the Vogon's point of view, this was good. Basically, I think poetry is all things to all people. I've seen poems on here that people gush about and I read it and think, "Yeah? So what?"
But this was an interesting subject.
As to the poem, my nit picks would be poetry and capitalization. But you're young, these sort of things are all new to you. I think the feelings presented in the poem [that there is anger inside?] is much too obvious and up front, there is nothing shading this. It's too little, there is just nothing to it. No beauty or poetic things that would make it splendorous. It's just too simple for me to like. Not to mention, I cannot relate or feel any emotions from it.
My suggestion is to read poetry. For a young one like yourself, you probably haven't been exposed to a lot of poetry. Read poems by incandescence, Fand, Caligulas_launderette. Those are some of the best poets on the site. But read all types of poetry, and if they are on here, look at the critiques and see what is considered good, and what isn't. Learn from it.
Best of luck.
!_!
You've honestly written this at ten years old?
... if I wanted to nitpick, I would say that perhaps you could work on your flow a bit - not my make the sentences to choppy and what not, but as it is, I find that I can only compliment you on this.
For ten years old, this is amazingly well-done.
--
Ach, I said I wouldn't nitpick, but while I'm here I thought I'd give it a go. ^_~
Hot against my cheek
Makes my neck burn
skin is hot and wet.
[You refer what I assume as the breeze in the third person throughout the second stanza - confronting it directly as 'you'. Here there is no such mention, and I think it would improve the consistency of the piece if you were to remedy that. As in "Hot against my cheek / You make my neck burn... / My skin is hot and wet". Punctuation would also not go amiss in those first two lines.]
You want to be inside
but you can't because
of the anger there
it almost burns the air.
[Here, your line break feels unnatural. Perhaps something to the effect of: "You want to be inside but you can't / because of the anger there - / it almost burns the air". Again, puntuation between lines three and four would go a long way in providing what seems like an appropriate pause.]
you have to stay away
for if you don't
beware
for the anger that can kill in there.
[If you're going to capitalize the opening of both the first and second stanzas, make sure you follow up and do the same here. A comma after 'don't', and perhaps something to set off the beware, make it a but more ominous. Capitalize the 'b', italicize the word, add an exclamation point... whichever or none, it's up to you.
The last line I think yould better follow up its predecessor as "of the anger that can kill in there" - because you're telling the breeze to be wary of, not for the anger.]
--
Overall, flowerchild, that was brilliant, especially for someone your age. [Though on a slightly more serious note - I think there's a pre-thirteen limit on the registration...?]
Dreamy.
Though I don't critique poetry much, I'm pretty sure the poem should speak for itself.
I described my feelings of a hot day from the opinion of a kid who has abusive or alchahol addicted addicted parents/guardian