Swires

Fangs dug into the space between my shoulder and neck earning a scream from me. A sharp pain shot down my body from the force of it. I felt trails ...

[s]Her voice is harsh as she speaks, and it jolts me back to attention. I look up.[/s] Her harsh voice jolts me back to attention. Or something similar "Yes?" Harrumph. ...

I bathed in the sea, the rippling surface settling to my waist. Dancing in circles was the wind, touching skin and hair with its cold tendrils. I crossed my arms ...

The technicalities are in most need of development ::He was elected as the Supreme Judge of London in the primitive seventeenth century This would mean he was elected judge in ...

Underlines are my comments. Emboldened words are my suggested changes. [s]Strikes are words you should get rid of.[/s] Crouching atop one of the spires of a great cathedral I surveyed ...

There a better authors on YWS than Paolini, and this extract proves it. Why not just read LOTR twice and have done with it, because thats what Mister P has ...

Ok, this looks like a Prologue to me. It was beautifully written, Sonnestein had a clear voice, and - great name by the way :). I really like your personal ...

I stood on the cliff, drenching wet, waiting for dawn to come. The sun, coward that he was, wouldn't show his face. The syntax has already been picked upon. Its ...

>> Ok, some nice improvements to Elayna, much more poetic and descriptive. SHe is now more credible as a character. However - not sure aboutt he credibility of a Finch ...

Ok, some general comments as a watchful reader I made. 1) Elayna's POV was nicely done, I got a real sense of reality of your world and character through her. ...

I'm going to have to disagree with my friends here.... This is a very overused idea. Yes, it was written very well, like always but you cant make a silk ...

Several things to say before I will do an in depth critique. :arrow: This is more like "Chapter 1" - Prologues are becoming a thing to avoid. Rename it to ...

These kinds of introductions have quickly become nothing short of a cliche. Just butcher this and begin your story straight away, because believe it or not, the plot makes me ...

And will Pikara soon become part of this conflict? Naughty. I cringed when I saw this - its too telly. How about we scrap the question entirely and have it ...

A few points when I was reading: :arrow: The girl doesn't get a name right away and I think this is why parts are deemed "telling" instead of showing by ...