Published October 28, 2007
I stood on the cliff, soaked and miserable, waiting for dawn to come.
My paws, scarred from climbing the rocks, stung as raindrops hit them. The water ran off in great scarlet tears.
I heard something below, a scrabbling of rocks under heavy feet. That set me to cowering against the ground. It was no use; as soon as whoever it was reached the top, they would see my red fur.
The sound came again, followed by a muffled word. Then I heard those heavy feet climbing.
Convinced that this was to be my end, I decided I'd come out fighting . I wouldn't run this time.
The steps came nearer, nearer... Then they stopped. Whoever it was had seen me.
"Oh," it said, "look here. Poor fellow, you must be lost."
I said nothing; my heart was pounding.
"Come on now. I won't hurt you."
Like I could believe that!
The person bent down, and I saw that it was a human lady. She looked into my eyes and said, "Come here."
I hissed, drawing back. This stranger wouldn't catch me unaware!
She shook her head slowly. "That's fine with me, if you want to drown out here."
Think! If she wanted to hurt me, she would have. I stood up, paw by paw. She smiled.
"I don't know my name," I said, "and my tribe is gone."
She nodded again. "Then come with me. You don't have anywhere else to go."
I didn't, so I went with her. She led me to a field where a dozen tents were set up. The grass was just showing some green after a long winter.
"Echo Legion," she said proudly.
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This has been pretty well picked over already, so all I'll say is that you need to be wary of "mysterious openings." You're trying to make us wonder what's going on, to get us hooked -- but it's not working. This is a technique I wouldn't advise using. Instead let us get to know the character, feel his emotions, all of that; all I got out of this is that he's got red fur, he's bleeding, it's raining, and oh, look, there's a nice lady?
Be descriptive and focus on making the world you're telling us about feel more real. If we can't get into the world, visualize it and enjoy it, we're not going to understand your story, either.
I liked the idea of a good samaritan, but anything good that could have come from this died with the effort of being mysterious.
First off, I want to say, as room101 and mizz-iceberg already pointed out, this seems far too short to be a chapter. Unless you want a very short book (I've seen some that are very, very magnificent!) I suggest making it a prologue, or adding on to it. On to the critique!
Awkward sounding, at least to me. Seems like something is...missing. Perhaps add it on to the sentence before it?The way this is said seems like it should sound...majestic. I think you should rephrase the 'to go out' bit. However, it is perfectly fine the way it is. Just making a suggestion.
Not only does this sound funny, it's kind of annoying. What is the common speech? Is it another language that you're translating to English? Explain a bit more, or just get rid of it.
This seems way too bland. Add some emotion! Some thoughts! What is the MC thinking, feeling, sensing? I want something interesting besides dialogue! A lot of the piece needs more details as well- the beginning was good, but the rest seemed so centered on the lady that you forgot the MC was still there! Don't be afraid to make something longer! If you have a spot where you can add details and be all fancy, do it!
See above. Also, no comma needed after field. And- a field where a dozen tents were set up? Details, details, details! What did the MC think of the field, the tents? Were there people? What did the field look like? Dead grass, or flowers? What was the weather? Sunny, rainy, dry, humid, anything! Explain! I have very bland visuals!
So, basic focusing points- details and some rephrasing.
All in all, I think this would make a very wonderful and creative story, if worked on a bit! You seem like you have a lot of talent to be a writer! Keep writing, and I hope you will post more to this story!
Hope I helped ^_^;
<3;
Emily
I agree with Room101. It's too short right now, and I don't even know what/who your main chracter is. But it does sound interesting and I'd like to read more of it. PM me when you post more.
Icy
i hope this doesn't seem to critical but it was too short for a first chapter and you need to take time to describe the characters and surroundings
Hello, back to review more of your story
First of all even though its short, you'll get a lot of critical reviews because it's short and easy to read therefore, it's not a bad thing. But, again, we don't know much about the main character.
unawares-->unaware.
Uh, the other one spotted was already caught so no point in copying it now. Anyway, final words: Great beginning, need to know about Phenoix. Is he/she a wolf or something?
Keep Writing,
starry-night
The syntax has already been picked upon. Its the present participle "Drenching" thats causing the problems. As an opener I'm not hooked really, its rather standard. Standard is satisfactory but be a bit riskier.
Every fantasy has common speech and I'm bored of it. Rename it or scrap it, does it really matter what language your characters are speaking in? Only Tolkien is allowed to do this. Also the dialogue here doesnt make sense because of your punctuation.
If you said nothing why even describe it in this way. You can't actually say "nothing", its always annoyed me when writers do this. Just say "there was a silence" or go into depth about the emotion of your first person.
"I felt uneasy about this man, whether I could trust him or not was a question that my conscience was denaturing now. Instead of speaking, I played it safe, I said diddlysquat."
Now its not the best example, I'm not the best writer, but its more interesting than this rather minimalistic style you have now.
You are trying to build tension with this but for me it isn't working. If your characters are stationary and are not doing anything, then go into emotion, world, don't just stick to this. Simplicity is good. But not here.
____________
Ok, generally I'm not convinced with this. It could have been so much more if you had elaborated, given us just a mouthful of your world and a better insight into your main character.
Regards, Adam
I'm terribly sorry but I have to go somewhere. I'm definitely going to critique this story when I get back, so please be patient! I only read the very first line, but I'm going to give you one critique before I go.
'Drenched' means wet, more or less, so you're saying 'wet wet' in a way. Not only that, it sounds kind of strange. You only need one word. Try:
Sorry if there are typos or anything, but I'm in a hurry and had to do this very quickly.
Be prepared for my critique later on, if others don't beat me to it ^_^!
<3;
Emily
Short but sweet
I enjoyed reading that, but I kow next to nothing about your main character.
I know only that his tribe is gone and he has red fur...
Also, I have just a few nit-picks:
You wrote:
I stood on the cliff, drenching wet, waiting for dawn to come. The sun, coward that he was, wouldn't show his face.
My paws, scarred from climbing the rocks, stung as raindrops hit them. The water ran off in great scarlet drops.
------------------------
The first sentence is fine, but somehow the 'My paws, scarred from climbing the rocks' sounds kind of like; 'tthe sun, coward that he was'
And the double-use of 'drops' in (In 'raindrops' and drops') sounds a little awkward.
Overall thought
I think it's a nice piece, but a little short. Please write more!