Okay, this is may first ime submitting so don't be too harsh. Also in your critique please don't correct puntuation
, I'll do that later.
Tell me if you'ld like me to keep submitting the series, and if you have any plot suggestions,
feel free, though I might not use them.
Series: Forgotten
First Wheel Vol.1- Heaven and Earth
By Sylverdawn
Book I- Betrayal:
Prologue- What Comes Your Way
Realm of Gaiya- yr. 1693 BKE (Before Kaelyn Empire)
The city burned, gutted and charred, a large portion of town looked as if it had blown over in a high wind. The earth was crack and riddled with fissures. Thunder growled as lightning struck the once grand palace, flashes of light and explosions issued from within the collapsing ruins.
On the streets of Aura the people ran trying to get out of the city, near the harbour the dam that blocked the bay crumbled and the ocean poured in swamping streets and pulling people down to watery graves. Buildings fell and people ran. It was a scene from hell.
The cavernous great hall of the palace was littered with rubble, fires burned in the outer reaches of the castle. A dark cloud seemed to hang over the hall as the clash of steel on steel echoed throughout the buildings.
Two boys roughly nineteen years old, duelled with a vengeance. Their anger and intent to kill almost palpable. At the base of a wide sweeping staircase a young girl lay crumpled on the ground. Her snow white robes were tattered and stained with blood that pooled on the marble floor, she was dead.
The boys danced with death as each tried desperately to fell the other, suddenly the boy dressed in silver armour slipped on a puddle of water. Landing hard on his knees he looked up at his mirror image. The other boy raised his blade for the finishing blow, the blaze of fire that burned behind him reflecting off the sword. Sparks flew off the stone as the silver boy rolled up and out of the way of the strike. Lunging at his opponents back he matched him strike for strike.
Their swords continued to clash as the world around them crumbled.
As the moons rose crimson over the burning city, a huge spiral of flame rose from the palace, in the form of a dragon. The dragon rose into the sky seeming to melt into the still setting sun. Finally all was quiet, and the dust began to clear.
***
Realm of Tehra- yr. 2007 ACE (After Common Era) November
Fifteen year-old Rath woke with his head pounding, his breath was short, as if he'd been running, and he was soaked in sweat. The images imprinted on his mind were harsh, screams, blood, fear, despair, wailing children, and a sea of flames.
Outside the dorm the sun shone brightly, birds sang and kids laughed without a care in the world. He climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom to take a quick shower.
Rath finished dressing as he shrugged into a leather jacket. He walked into his bedroom to find his little sister Aura waiting. Her foot tapped impatiently as she glared at him.
"At least you're awake, that's something." Her white-gold hair shone in the morning light, and her grass green eyes flashed with anger. "You just transferred in and already you're late. I think that's a new record and why aren't you in uniform, what will people say? Oh I know, they'll think you’re hanging out with those punk jerks."
He studied his sister's white blouse and long skirt the school sash with her name, grade, and class on it, then looked down at himself. His sneakers were black, as were his jeans, silver chains hung from his belt. The sleeveless black t-shirt was covered with a hooded leather vest. Leather bands circled his upper arm. Flipping his fair out of the vest he glanced over in the mirror. Three silver earrings pierced his left ear and a small ruby studded the upper side of his right. His flame-red hair framed his face scruffily as if perpetually messy. It was mostly chin length but at the back a long tail slid along the curve of his back to end just an inch or two short. Red-orange eyes lit a face with golden skin, and a silvery scar looped around his neck like a necklace or collar.
"Does it matter? I mean, it's not as if I care what they think." He shrugged and slung his pack over his shoulder, throwing the words back at Aura as he walked out the door.
Jogging across the huge field to the school building, Rath ducked his head thinking about the strange dream he had. Suddenly he heard a yelp behind him and turned to see a slim, dark haired boy do a facer in the mud.
As the boy sat up he shook his head, wiping mud off his face. Rath crouched down and offered the guy his hand.
"Hey, are you alright man?" Rath froze his breath caught in his throat as the other boy stared at him with onyx coloured eyes. His pack slipped from numb fingers as Rath reeled from the intensity of that gaze.
"You're new aren't you? It’s the only reason you would ever talk to one of the few sane people in this school of rich pricks." He stood up and scraped mud off worn jeans. Like Rath he was a study in black, but while his sable hair, and silver shot onyx coloured eyes blended with the shade, Rath's crimson hair made him stand out even more. He wore a single silver earring with a skull dangling from a chain.
Rath snorted as he picked up his back-pack, "I don't know about that, I know I’m no rich prick. Maybe a bastard, but never a prick. You wouldn't be one of those punk jerks my sister told me about now would you?"
The guy chuckled, he turned and pinned Rath with his stare again, as he lifted his arm. "Yeah so, I never caught your name. Friend?"
"It's Rath Tenjou." He told the boy as he grabbed his hand. His mouth curved into a small smile.
As they walked through the doors the chattering in the hall stopped as everyone stared at the pair. "It's not guy. It's Sora... Sora Haiza."
Rath glanced around the hallway his eyes lighting on the groups of students. Everyone immediately glanced away from the hard glint in his eyes. Turning to Sora he asked him where the office was. A grin flitted across Sora's face, pointing down the hall Sora and Rath hurried off, the crowds parting like water as if the other kids didn't want to touch them, but their whispers could be heard clearly.
"Hey who's the red-head with Haiza?"
"You didn't know? That's Aura Tenjou's older brother, I hear he was causing trouble at home, so they sent him to 'study abroad'. Now that their mom's dead he's been sent to this school."
"What's the headmaster thinking, he's got to be a criminal, are we even safe?"
"What is with that scar on his neck, what made it?"
Sora turned to Rath and gave a look that said plainly, I told you so.
Sighing Rath stopped in his tracks, eyes closed he pitched his voice so that everyone could hear over the noise. "You know Sora I’m surprised, I had hear the kids at this school were smart, apparently most of them don't even have the sense to gossip where the people they're talking about can't hear every word.
Suddenly everyone went back to their business pretending that they hadn't said a word. Sora snickered, he glanced around the halls. "Nicely done, did they teach you that voice special, or did you pick it up on your own?"
"I picked it up myself, in Italy of all places."
"Italy?" Sora sounded sceptical.
"I don't do cold," Rath replied as if that explained everything. "And when in Rome..."
Once the two friends came out of the office they wandered down to the small class room, Rath asked why conditions were so cramped. Sora answered vaguely saying the class was made up of the dozen or so problem kids, all from various grades. Most of the kids came from problem families and everyone had their own set of hang-ups, even the teacher.
"The class's motto is “Don't ask what happened to me, and I won't ask what happened to you." Sora continued, pinning Rath with a pointed stare. "Besides at least two or three people are always skipping at one time or another, you won't have to worry about room."
***
Realm of Tehra- yr. 2008 ACE present day-
The late May sun beat down on the dormitory roof. Rath stared morosely out toward the ocean. His eyes fixed on the horizon, unseeing, sighing he flipped over and tuned back into Aura’s lecture.
"... and you're always skipping class, you ignore everyone, you’re depressed all the time. I swear you haven’t looked me in the eye once since you came home. I thought everything changed when Mom died."
Rath jolted upright and pinned Aura with a piercing look. "Don't mention her Aura, not in front of me. I don't want to remember the way she treated just because Dad picked a kid off the street."
Aura flinched as his tone hardened with every word. "I'm sorry, alright. Please come to class bro?
'Poor kid.' He thought Rath winced as her emerald gaze filled with tears; she was chewing on her lower lip.
"Okay, fine I got it, this is Friday and high-school's got Monday off. So I’ll go to class on Tuesday, is that good enough?"
Aura rubbed the tears from her eyes, glancing at him doubtfully "Really?"
"Yes really. Promise and everything."
"Then its ok, but I’ve got to, unlike you I have practice for the end of year festival. See you brother.
Rolling his eyes Rath glanced up at the sky, the clouds rolled by in one direction growing steadily larger and more menacing while the wind picked up. As the storm approached rapidly the once calm ocean kicked into a frenzy, spray shooting twelve, sometimes fifteen feet into the air, blue-green lightning flashed, lighting the sky as the sun was swallowed by black clouds. Thunder rumbled and the wind whipped small objects into the air off the practice fields.
Kids ran for cover as the storm came closer and closer until, with a clap of thunder the rain fell in a downpour. Rath didn't the storm he was sleeping deeply and the noise didn't wake him because in his dream it was storming too.
***
Thunder echoed throughout the walls of the small hut deep within the woods of the Realm. To enter the forest was forbidden, no one lived there, save for the magical beasts... and the Oracle. Today though the Oracle had a visitor, the most sought after person in the entire Realm by the new government. The young man stirred the coals in the fire pit awakening it to cheery blaze, before turning to meet the haunted gaze of Queen Celeste. The young woman was hooded and road weary, but sparks of defiance glittered in their emerald depths.
Lightning flashed through the window, throwing the Queen's feature into stark view. Her dark hair was shorn, cropped close to her head. Her face was drawn and pale, her clothes ripped and torn. And her face was dirt and mud streaked.
"Well?" She queried, her once melodic voice cracking with disuse. "What did you see?"
The Oracle, Ral, sat down heavily in a cushioned chair. Sighing he glanced tiredly upward at the battered Queen. "You must understand the answers you seek are difficult, even under normal circumstances all I can see is one future, the most likely one. However the wheel of time is in flux right now, events are converging, this is the first time my power has failed me."
Ral looked towards the fire and the three sleeping infants sprawled their together. "What little I can tell you, is that, if your enemies did not know you were pregnant when you fled, they do now. A storm is coming greater than any ever before, and your children stand at the heart of it.
This is what I foresaw, Your Grace, In the future your children will face great trials, and must overcome them in order to control the endless power sleeping inside of them. They are destined to decide the fate of the Star-Web, whether or not we all live, or die."
"Then they will live to adulthood?" The tentative question was asked with a mother's fear and hope.
"No." He stated bluntly, continuing after her gasp of shock. "As I said their destiny's are set, but their fate is not. What you must do will be hard but it must be done or else your children will not even live out the month. Lady Celeste you must give up your children. Hide and separate them, as they grow they will learn what's right. Bide your time and lie in wait, when the time is right they will awaken on their own, in time to fight in the wars to come."
"You talk as if these things were already set in stone." Celeste snapped at Ral, angry and afraid as she felt events sliding further and further out of her control.
"But they are." He sounded surprised that she hadn't seen it. "These events were set in stone long before you or I was ever born. The role we must play is small, and it may be we are dust in our graves before the conflict ends. The future is often flexible but on occasion events will converge, so that not even the God’s, can see what lies ahead. At a Crossroads in Time, it is for the people of the worlds to decide the course of history, just as a pebble is pulled inexorably down a river so too does fate swirl around these children."
"So I must give up my children, separate triplets born not even a minute apart in age that is my role to play in this storm?" She demanded her voice breaking in despair and grief.
"Yes, there is no other way, if you keep them with you, or even together, you condemn your own children to death."
"Then help me do this thing." It was not the demand of one born to rule, but the request of one who has lost their path.
Nodding Ral walked to the makeshift cradle and bent to pick up the eldest child, Khylaris, or Kei. Stirring the infant opened his whirling jewel coloured eyes, for a moment, looking down at the infant Ral shivered with something akin to fear, those eyes were not the eyes of a child newborn, they were the eyes of one who had lived hundreds of years and seen many things, old-soul eyes, like his own. Ral paused as he waited for Celeste to pick up dark coloured Calyx, and the golden Sitryn, the one girl of the three.
Glancing down he noticed a red-orange jewel that gleamed like fire hanging around Kei's neck. Etched into the jewel were intricate carvings of a dragon and phoenix. The gem was tied to a long thin silver chain, obviously designed to fit him when he was much older, not as a child. He looked over at the two in Celeste's arms; Sitryn's jewel was sun gold shot through with flecks of pink and white, while Calyx's gem was a mix of purples and blues so dark as to be almost black. He wasn't close enough to see what mythical beasts were carved in the gems that whirled with their own inner light, flickering and shooting off a thousand indescribable colors.
Other than their hair and eye coloring the triplets were identical, and they looked enough like both their Royal father and mother that it would be a dead giveaway if any Shade's saw them, even if they hadn't had the birthmark of the Royal family imprinted on them, the tattoos shifted as if they were alive. Calyx's was small and colourful curving over his heart, while Sitryn's was curled at the nape of her neck its long tail drifting down the curve of her spine. The marks could be hidden, and they only appeared when their owners were in grave peril. But strangest of all was Kei's mark it gleamed brilliantly in even the dimmest light, and never completely faded, you had to know what you were looking for, and look hard, but the distinct outline of a stylized dragon tattoo glittered all along his left arm.
Ral was glad the Spirit's said they must separate. Alone, they would still stick out like a sore thumb no matter what worlds they each ended it up in. But together, they were too deadly, too blatantly magical; they would have never been able to stay under the radar for decades. As it was strange things would still happen around them, though on a smaller scale then if they were together.
Ral cradled the small boy and began to descend down the dank staircase into the caverns below the hut. Kei closed his eyes and drifted to sleep again. Quickly now Celeste and Ral slipped through the caves. The catacombs shone with a soft luminous light that gleamed all the colors of the rainbow, the cave system was carved completely of Dreamstone, which amplified and contained magical power, Dreamstone was always used in powerful magical workings, because more often than not they would be unstable, and more likely to fizzle out of existence, or blow up in the Spell casters face, damaging the fabric of the Realm.
Finally the pair stopped in a small cavern with a high domed ceiling, they were clearly deep underground now, swirling in midair were nine World-Gates that each led to different realms. Crying Celeste took her children and swiftly slipped through one gate after another, she left Sitryn outside an elegant villa in a tropical realm, Calyx was hidden outside the doors of a thieves den in a busy metropolitan world, while Kei was left outside on the doorstep of a small cottage.
***
Time went by, and the children grew, the weeks went by and Spring turned to Summer, and Summer faded into the Fall, and so the years passed. Before anyone noticed seven years had already gone by, and the babies weren't babies anymore.
The sun was setting and the moon was rising, a thick carpet of snow lay across the crowded city streets. The skyline had faded to a deep purple and you could see the stars just beginning to appear in the near cloudless sky. It seemed like a picture out of fairytale, the perfect night for new-year’s eve, all the children at the Downtown Seattle Orphanage were excited about staying up late, all that is accept one. The young Rath kicked at the snow in the backyard, scowling, he glanced over to the old red brick five story building. The yard was tiny, only big enough for a few kids at a time. The man talking to the director of the orphanage looked rich, he wore a tailored black suit, dark brown hair and friendly blue eyes. Then he realized that the man was pointing at him not one of the prissy little girls with bows in their hair and big eyes.
The director was shaking her head and turned towards the window, probably talking about some other kid, Rath decided he wanted to know what they were talking about. Quickly he slipped up to the side door as silently as a shadow, banging the door open loudly ruined his pretence at stealth though, so he kicked off his boots and shed his coat throwing it behind him so that it landed squarely on the coat rack. Rath pounded up the stairs to the cramped room he shared with the only three other boys at the orphanage. He bounced over to his bed, the lower on one of the two bunk beds; as quietly as possible Rath cracked the window open to listen to the two men talk.
"Sir I understand what you're saying, but Rath only lost his parents eight months ago, an adoption takes several years, and we still don't know much about his character, we just can't put him up yet."
"What's to know? The boy seems like a loner because he probably is one, as for other kids did you see the way he lorded it over the other boy's at breakfast, he's a born leader."
"But don't you have a young daughter yourself Mr. Tenjou, why would you need to adopt an heir."
"It's simple really, I don't want my daughter to run Tenjou Inc. when I’m dead, and my wife can no longer have children. Now, I’m adopting that boy, and that's final, have the papers finalized, I’ll come pick him up tomorrow at six p.m." The man turned to walk away and glanced up at the window, he must have seen Rath's face in the window because he winked secretively."
Grinning Rath closed the window and slid down with his back against the cold glass, he clutched the small red stone under his shirt the stone was warm and holding it helped him control his dangerously short temper.
The next day Evan Tenjou came to pick Rath up himself as promised, Rath left the orphanage and never looked back at it once.
***
A stinging lash of rain landed on Rath's eye causing him to jerk awake from his dream. Sitting up quickly he pulled the hood over his head for cover from the rain. Rath shivered rubbing his arms to get rid of the goose bumps, He glanced up at the dark grey clouds the blotted out the sun. Furrowing his brow he thought about the dream, he didn't remember the first part, it felt like it was covered in a thick mist. But the second part was clearly a memory of his childhood. Rath rubbed his head as he stood up and turned towards the door.
Suddenly he became aware of a light buzzing in his ears that quickly intensified to the point where it was painful. Gasping Rath stumbled, nearly losing his balance; the pain was knife sharp and blinding. Slowly he pulled himself upward clutching his head; he found his way to the staircase by sense of touch. He was trembling all over and covered in sweat. High in the sky lightning flashed, almost seeming to take on shapes. Wildly he felt for the door, grabbing the handle he pushed it open to stare at the yawning staircase. His vision doubled, and then tripled. Everything appeared out of focus, and Rath shook like a leaf in the wind.
Suddenly, with a snap a huge crash echoed from the storm, at the same time Rath's legs buckled under him and he started to fall down the stairs. Slowly everything faded into darkness, and the world around him went black, and Rath was left to drift in the void. It was dark and he seemed to fall in slow motion like he was descending through deep water, but a shaft of light pierced the darkness landing on him, almost like a spotlight, yet at same time the light was blurred as if it was drifting through smoke. Just before he passed out completely he heard a voice whisper faintly but clearly. "Just sleep for now, don't worry, I’ll catch you if you fall."
The crash caused by his fall was loud, but even if someone had heard it over the roar of the storm, they just thought it was thunder. So it was that Rath was found by his sister, sprawled unconscious at the base of the stairs a small trickle of blood falling from his temple.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Alright, I noticed something that bothered me a bit. In a few sentences you use a word to many times, maybe find a word that could replace it yet means the same thing. Other than that I find the plot interesting, your description is good but sometimes you over-do it...maybe get someone to read it over and see if anything is unneeded. Please continue on with this story, now to get to the next part of it
Alright. Now, this is pretty interesting indeed. The plot appears to be quite interesting, although we just get to know the spire of a whole iceberg it seems. A thing that could lead to some confusion was that each paragraph begins at a different time and setting, and it was a new discovery each time "where and when" we are. Your vocabulary is quite good, way superior to mine as I have to admit, but you might also live in a place where English is more common than where I am. I really can't find anything negative about this piece of text, it was a bit of a challenge to understand some few difficult passages, but else it was good really. I'm going to keep reading this story as it continues.
Several things to say before I will do an in depth critique.
This is more like "Chapter 1" - Prologues are becoming a thing to avoid. Rename it to Chapter 1 and then everyone is happy. The size also leans towards a chapter as opposed to a prologue.
In scene 1 you "tell" us everything about the city as opposed to showing us. We have no character "feeling" the burning, charring; we have no character hearing or smelling the things around him. Introduce your protagonist immediately so the reader can relate to him/her. You need to "show" us whats happening and not tell us.
Watch your description. What doesn't add to the plot, atmosphere or story isn't relevant. You go too far with description in several places. ALso watch the slippery adverb - it can slide into many places like a flee-ridden cat, ready to infect its prose with purple-poison. Avoid "finally" like the plague - I always think it sounds like the author is bored with the story. If you are then the reader definitely will be.