Young Writers Society

I thought this confusing and I wondered what exactly the point of it was. Are you trying to tell us that she isn't good at school work? That her and her teacher dislike each other? I was often lost and I found myself distracted because I couldn't understand what was happening.

Need to make more clear.

I agree with Kitty, I had no idea this was the same person from the bus. Couldn't you just add that in, draw us back to the fact that this is the guy?

Apart from that, I also feel that, though you tell the story well, we're not seeing a lot of Katherine's (is that her name) emotions. Tell us more about them. What's she thinking of? Bring us into her mind. Also, I think that you should mention what she was daydreaming about before the teacher brings her back to earth.

But yeah, I am really enjoying these, and I'm looking forward to more!

Hey, I'll not go through and give you specific suggestions because the general writing of this is good, what's missing is the description and characterisation.

You certainly need to make it clearer that this is the same boy as on the bus because he seems completely different. From reading this, he seemed a pleasant, patient person who thinks he is helping your persona but if he's the same boy as the one on the bus, I'm beginning to wonder if he maybe takes a snide pleasure in her ignorance? Why would he not want her to sit next to him and yet be willing, even eager to help her in class. Either have him hesitant, as annoyed and impatient as the others, being very brief and purposefully simple in his answer or have him jeering at her. You could even just have her think he's patronising her.

I think you've got some good detail here and the character of the teacher is great but have the other students whispering. Is she sat next to anyone? Maybe she sees some taking the opportunity to pass notes now that the teacher's attention is directed at her. Maybe one or two of the class are relieved that they didn't get asked. Some could act as though this is normal and just look out of the window, completely uninterested in seeing her get told off again.

And then as the others said, don't forget her emotions. I think you know what needs doing, it's just a matter of reading through carefully and seeing where you can add more atmosphere to this piece. Maybe extend it to include more of a beginning. She could be rolling a pencil between her fingers before the teacher says her name and then maybe she drops it and you could describe the sound of it hitting the floor and show the hesitation as to whether she should get up and pick it up or try to snag it with her foot and look like a complete idiot.

Hope this helps a little, let me know if you make edits and want me to take another look,

Heather xx

You can post two! You can post five thousand, and I wouldn't mind!

I see Azila and Phorcys beat me, but I'll still critique and if I repeat anything, I very much apologize.

The eyes of my classmates [s]on[/s] are glued to me, waiting for me to fail. I look down. "I don't know."

I shrug slightly, [no comma?] but say nothing.

"Mr. Donovin: [comma instead] which is it?"

God, I hate that sound.

Her voice has become sharp again, and it lashes out at me.

We’ve had this exact same conversation all year, and the others are sick of it.

"The verb - the action in the sentence - is 'applauds'.

She might as well be writing in Greek.

"I don't know." There are groans from behind me. We’ve had this exact same conversation all year, and the others are sick of it.

Thanks for the reviews, guys!

It seems I make the same mistakes every time, despite my attempts to fix them. O.o I will add more emotions, though, and make the class more noticable. Until I read these reviews, I didn't even realize that it sounded like the only people in the room were Katherine, the teacher, and him.

Azila: Sorry, I forgot to PM you! I originally posted this on the backup site, so I wasn't thinking. Anyways, the 'he turns back to the board' is the guy who explains it to her. And I won't change all the pronouns, but I like some of your suggestions. I'll see what I can do.

Phorcys: The actors are just in the sentence she reads and has to figure out if it's transitive or not.

So, thanks again! I still want more (I'm greedy ) but this will help me edit it. I think it'll be much better once I add emotions, and give the background kids more personality (besides just groaning;) any ideas?

I really need to give 'him' a name; this is the same guy from the one on the bus. I probably need to make that clearer, too. Oh, well, at least he has a last name now. I love his, but I hate Katherine's last name. Oh, well. (Oh, and I never named the teacher. I stink at names.)

Any other critical eyes out there?

~JFW1415

Hello, JFW! Remember that you're supposed to PM me when you post more of these?! *grumbles*

Anyway... I will try to point out most of the places you start with a pronoun, that way if you want to change then you will have some idea how. But I don't think you should change all of them.

I look past her, reading the board.

She waits a moment, tapping her foot against the tile floor.

I shrug slightly, but say nothing.

She turns from me and locks her eyes on him.

He glances at me, but I don’t look up.

He turns to me.

He speaks softly.

He turns back to the board, and I look up at the words.

[s]Her voice is harsh as she speaks, and it jolts me back to attention. I look up.[/s] Her harsh voice jolts me back to attention.

Harrumph. "I asked you whether this sentence had a transitive or intransitive verb in it." [s]I look past her, reading the board[/s] I read the board. Messy scrawls cover it, and I squint to make out the words.

The audience applauds the actors.