Rigel

Ha! This was clever. I think you should make an effort to make the beginning as dryly humorous as the ending. Put in some jabs at poems that wax on ...

This is fine for lyrics as long as the music is as violent as the words. I like my songs to rhyme, but this is fine. It's okay to repeat ...

Self-destructive thoughts are always faulty in a suburban setting, and nearly always taste of cardboard when made into poems.

You deserve better than the middle of the page. I dunno. It wasn't that original of an idea: the tortured poet, the love that is out of reach. I did ...

I really liked it at the end when you migrated away from the traditional ABAB rhyme scheme and mixed it up a little bit. It felt more natural and allowed ...

The poem was terrible, but I hope you feel better!

The sex scene at the end was funny, perhaps intentionally. If you don't want that to be funny then change it right now.

This was pretty bad, but I encourage you to write something about something else.

I'll review this when you've spell-checked it.

This is a monologue or poem, not a script.

Not really a poem... just some thoughts. Nice thoughts, mind you, but it does not function at the level of poetry.

I agree with everything smorgishborg said.

If we gave you a plot, it would be our story, not yours.

I liked it, there's just a bit of superfluous mumbo-jumbo towards the end. This would make a great play, actually.

It's a bit of a cliche idea. Describe the state that this boy has fallen into.