Young Writers Society

Thanks
I thought it would be cliched! Grr... Whey did I continue it then!
Sometimes I really hate my self XD
Maybe I could turn it from here.
Something weird. Well I could *thinks*...
I think I am going to stay with this plot.
I don't really care if it cliched I will make it deferent. I write for me not for my readers.
Thank you!

Hehe. Plots don't happen overnight! Well, maybe this one did.

You know what? I felt more comfortable with your earlier dialogue. I think you were more at home with the wording, it was more relatable to you. I wasn't to enamored of the way you blatantly tossed the plot and the conflict in at random. Conflict and plot do need to develop.

I already know the entire plot of the story from here on out.

Also, I'm willing to bet that the quality of your dialogue will drop in coming scenes. Don't force it, but I think you're straying into unfamiliar territory. I try never to include foreign characters, or characters I know little about into my scenes.

And to be honest, the plot is a bit cliche. See "Not another teen movie" and related creations for some idea. I'd rather you kept the characters as they are and had them get involved in some absolutely bizarre turn of events.

And I tell you this now, because it's impossible to change the plot once you've finished. Good luck.

I'm really not in a critiquing modd, so this will be short. I found the dialouge a bit unbelieveable, but I think it's funny. I like what you suggested, but it's your story so do what you want with it.

Post more!

If we gave you a plot, it would be our story, not yours.

Thanks. I am thinking for my plot but what could I do?
A fight is to cliched and I don't know how I could do this. Hmm... Maybe Madison starts to hand out with cooler people and she takes up some addictions like drinking and smoking and she turns into a bitch.
Then Rachel can struggle to get her friend back and in the end Madison dies in a car accident... Or something.
Or is that cliched as well?

Again, the context problem. is this interesting in any way? No. I'm trying to redeem the last minute of my life by writing this critique. YOU NEED A PLOT ARC IF YOU ARE GOING TO POST SOMETHING!!! I'm serious. Otherwise, why bother read anything on these forums?

Your crit in the spoiler.
[spoiler]
Setting:
A small lime green room. A twin bed is set in the corner draped with a white comforter. A series of multi coloured pillows litter the top end of the bed. Images of animals cut out from magazines and taken off of the internet are pinned along her walls.

Opening Scene:
A small girl is crouched over a opened book. She is holding it open with her left hand while the other is occupied on stroking a black cat that sits at the foot of her bed. A phone rings loudly alarming the girl and sending the cat shooting out of the room. The girl slowly pulls away from her book and turns to pick up her black razor Is that really necessary? phone. She flips it open and presses it wearily to her ear.

Rachel: (Wearily) Hello...?

Madison: (Extremely Loud) Hey Rache!

Rachel: (Happily) Oh! Hey Morg! Sorry I was in the middle of a really good book...(Begins reading book again and trails off...) So how are things...

Madison: Really good! I just got back from a really long swim practice. And guess what! Martha was being a real pain is the ass! Can you believe it, she pushed me off of the diving board...I was not wasn't even ready and I got a mouthful of water! Remember your contractions.

Rachel: (slowly) Hmm...

Madison: Rache! You aren't even listening!

Rachel: Hmm... what?... Yes! I am listening. Oh sorry...

Madison: (Bossily) You know what? I am I'm going to come over there. And we are we're going to talk!

Rachel: sure...

Madison: (Sighs and hangs up) Keep your stage directions as stage directions. Not dialogue.

Rachel: (Lets her hand slowly fall from her face and never takes her eyes off of her book) ditto.

Mom: (from off stage) Rachel! I need you go to the store and get me some milk! I will I'll give you some money but I expect change!

Rachel: (lifts head from book several seconds latter) What? Oh yah sure...(resumes reading)

Mom:(walks into room) Okay here is 5 dollars! Please be quick I need it for the desert!

Rachel:(Slowly pulls away from book) Yes... mom!

Mom: Don't yes mom me! Now get up and go!

Rachel:(roles eyes and takes 5 dollar bill gingerly from mom's had) Oh yah. Morgan is coming over. I hope that's okay with you, mother!

Mom: Morgan! Which one is she again? Is she being sarcastic? I would think she'd know her daughter's friends, especially if she just "comes over". (does't wait for reply) Sure... now get going!

Rachel: (Stomps off set noisily) ditto. ditto.

Fade in fade in to what?

Madison: (Knock knock) ditto. ditto. ditto.

Mom: (Walks to door and opens it) Hello Madison! See? I told you she knows her!

Madison: Hello Ms. Wilson!

Mom: And how are you sweetie? Begins to beacon "beacon?" You mean she sets up a lighted passageway on the floor? . It's "beckon" Madison into the house

Madison: Very good thank you... (Walks in, stamps feet and begins to take off all winter clothing.)

Mom: Rachel is just out to get some milk. She will she'll be back soon. (smiles and walks back upstairs.)[/spoiler]

It's too short, and you're characters don't use contractions. This is a problem. Please post more, and I'll tell you what I think of your plot.

That probaly is a problem. You really should keep your plot in mind throughout the entire writing, so you have an idea of how one thing relates to the rest of the story as a whole. And even so, this piece would seem a little unnessasry in any plot. But was it good? Yes! I think you portrayed Rachael very well. It just is that this piece may get lost when you choose a plot.

And it would be appreciated if you could fix your spelling and the formating ([b],[/i]) at the end. But good job!

Thanks...
I am continuing it I just haven't gotten to the plot yet.

This has no plot. It's a nice little scene, but it has no plot. I can accept this as an exercise in dialogue, but not as a play. The climax is when one girl is asked to buy milk, for goodness' sake. What is here is good, but what is here is nothing significant.

Haha. Thanks. Do you go to her school or something?

It's so good omg it's funny cause Ayra you are like Rachel! lol

Thanks!
I will

Nice. A few mistakes I noticed:

You call Madison Morgan a bit. I don't get that, is it just a mistake?

Rachel: sure...

Madison: (Sighs and hangs up)

Rachel: (Lets her hand slowly fall from her face and never takes her eyes off of her book)

Okay her is 5 dollars!

Well... Thats the thing Ayra! I based Rachel on you!
Well... us I guess! I will continue soon!

Cool!
I liked this. It reminds me of us, and the setting is very similar to my room. And my mom always asks me to go to the candy store

It's a bit short though. I can relate with the characters, especially Rachel. She reminds me of Me. Silly, isn't it?

If you are going to make this longer, PM me or leave a message in my GB and I'll give you a proper review.
Keep writing,
.:AYRA:.

Thanks!

Hey, good job! There were a few spelling mistakes I found, like Witch instead of which, but that was pretty much it.