Published December 19, 2007
"Why do you hate me?
I'm the best person there can be!
At drawing I'm the best,
And I am finely dressed.
I'm no slob
And I'm not a snob.
I might not be rich
but I don't live in a ditch.
My hair might be a mess
but that's a problem I can address.
I'm not mean
and I keep my anger unseen!
I'm also good with words
(As You Can See)
So, Why?
Why? Do You Hate Me?"
She stepped back in surprise
when she realized the words were not lies!
But she got her confidence back
And she readied her attack,
"I hate you 'cause you're gutless
And I can see by the sweat on your face
That you are more then nervous."
He retorted by saying,
"At least I had enough courage
To face this garbage"
He said circumscribing her contour
With his hands
"I thought you were nice before
All of this happened
But now, I just don't know.
Your heart must of blackened
Or your selfdom must of fallen
And the darkness must have risen
And much, much more!"
"That's an exaggeration,"
She said with a menacing tone,
"And maybe I'm more mature!"
She finished with a groan.
She fled from the scene.
And the boy was all alone
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
I really liked it at the end when you migrated away from the traditional ABAB rhyme scheme and mixed it up a little bit. It felt more natural and allowed you to make the lines more poetic.
To me this felt like a jingle that someone might whistle or sing. Not exactly what you want to have for your poetry. I'd say if you want to keeping the rhyming scheme, you'll have to add some less obvious rhymes. Masculine rhyme tends to create forced-sounding poetry.
I also suggest trying to create some lines that don't sound like they come from the television. That would be the first step in your revision.