jihad
today is an especially hard day, so i crawl out the window, sit on the roof and have a beer with God. the yard is a smooth black lake. i clutch the windowpane, in fear of sliding off into the dark. highways rumble in the distance; grasshopper symphonies play gounod; the moon laughs at my insignificance. and the sky rains diamonds.
chin to my knees, i think of things i can’t get out of my brain: the shape of your lips when they form my name, my plaid shorts, the scent of your cologne. books, dancing, a black dress tucked away in my closet, tears. unfulfilled dreams, shredded pictures, your favorite song, time.
because ever since you slept with her, i can’t eat. i can’t sleep. i can’t function with you in my head. and so i drink.
i close my eyes. i make a thousand wishes on the same star. i stay up deep into the night building models in my mind of things i can never have -- and God gently laughs at my foolishness, shakes his head, sighs and says
"we are all don quixote. all of us."
today is an especially hard day, so i sit on my roof and put in an inquiry to the heavens.
God is silent, as am i.
i dump the beer and watch it dribble off the roof, into the black lake.
today is so hard.
(2007)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Amelia, kudos to you for reviewing not one, but BOTH of my trashy pieces, especially because we have entirely different styles (or so it seems). Thank you for making an effort to bridge the gap. Anyhow, onward:
In your critique, it seemed like you were fishing for more meaning out of this that ... just wasn't there. I wrote this about six months ago when I found out this kid I really liked was sleeping around -- and I pulled it out a week ago and pounded it out on the keyboard and stuck some punctuation in there and that was that. But, you've taught me something very valuable and it's this: don't post something unless it has layers.
There are some real opportunities for depth here, as you said: the black lake, the sky, the rooftop. And there is much more to be done in playing off the title.
Having said that, I don't want to dumb this down because -- I did put some thought into it, and anyhow, I could have very well have said, "I sat on the roof with a Budweiser and there were stars and God wasn't there." But I didn't.
I don't know if this has ever happened to you but -- I mean, sometimes there really isn't any other way to describe it but this way. I don't know, I mean, I can think about it. I will think about it. Again, thank you for your critiques. I appreciate having another opinion.
Rigel: Um. Thanks?
Blackstorm: Ahh, yes. I mean, no. Maybe? I'm very loose in terms of punctuation, as that's my style. I guess I could stand to take out the period there, if you think I should.
This will be undergoing some major revisions in the coming weeks. Stay posted if you're interested.
Cheers,
Lyndsey
I liked it, very original.
However, just one thing that concerns me. In the "i can’t function with you in my head. and so i drink." line is there supposed to be a period before the "and"?
I liked it, there's just a bit of superfluous mumbo-jumbo towards the end. This would make a great play, actually.
My first thought was Ahh, she didn't capitalize "I" anywhere! but then I realized that you don't capitalize "I" anywhere ever, so... I dunno. I'm sure I had a point, but can't quite remember it. I suppose I can see why "I" isn't capitalized here. Maybe.
Anyway, punctuation aside ^_^
This seems too typical of a thought; there's nothing new, not even the wording.
At first, I was sure I was supposed to find some significance in the black lake of the yard, but I couldn't. And then I suppose I saw it as a whole image, with the part about the setting in the beginning, and it made sense. So now I'm torn whether I like it or not. I think I like it.
Why does the sky rain diamonds in the beginning? There's so much happening that's bleak and mechanical, and then there's diamonds, which are pretty. I suppose I see the rain/diamonds for the cleansing aspect, maybe, but wouldn't diamonds raining from the sky just cut the subject even further?
I didn't like the list in the second paragraph. It seemed rather without point.
With a little cleaning up, I think this could be very well written instead of rather well written, but it's not really the kind of thing that appeals to me, so I might be a tad biased ^_^
peace out,
-amelia