Amore(Love).

Yeah, the plot is nice but there's quite a few things to work on.

1. When Victor loses his job and they go to America

This is just added details and it's totally unneeded. It really kind of distracts the reader and it's rather confusing. What I would recommend doing instead would be to talk about them coming to America from Italy at the airport.

2. When Carla meets Willson

It is odd that he doesn't finally find out his real name at the end like one would often expect. Also, if he doesn't know his name and neither does Carla, you can't just say his name is Willson when they don't know he'll be named Willson yet. You should just call him 'the man' so it isn't confusing the readers into thinking that that was his real name.

Also, this whole part seems to be pretty cliche to me. She was riding for the first time ever and she found some man lying unconcious in a field and ran to get her uncle and they carried him into the house and after 7 hours he woke up, not knowing his name so they called him Willson.

First, I'd say that instead of riding for the first time, she had loved to ride as a child and she just hadn't riden since she was a young girl.

Second, instead of saying that after finding him unconcious she ran to get her uncle, you might say that she tried to wake him up but couldn't so she got back on the horse and ran back to get her dad and uncle.

Finally, I'd change that after 7 hours he woke up and didn't remember anything but was calm. 7 hours is a little unrealistic and cliche, see what I mean? Change it to something like 'after a couple hours...' or something less long and definite. And if he woke up and didn't remember anything, I don't think that he'd go along with everything they said and be calm about waking up in someone's house. Play it up, make it dramatic. This is one of the parts that can be milked for all it's worth!

3. Carla and Willson get to know each other

I thought that this part was okay; there were a few edits here and there but they were mostly grammar and spelling mistakes. Still, I recommend playing around with editing it and see how it sounds without them saying this or adding that sentence in. Just mess around with it a bit.

4. Carla and Willson date

I thought this was all pretty cliche too. They really don't flirt with each other like other couples; it's just a straight, flat conversation. Make them play with each other more; they're supposed to really be into each other. Just little things that are cute and funny and flirty. It all happens really fast too. It's like 'Don't blink! It'll be over soon!'. You need to lengthen this part most of all. Dramatize their affections for each other. They're a young couple in love! Talk about them holding hands! Talk about them taking together and walking around her uncles' property! Play it up!

5. Willson goes to the Army

Carla doesn't seem to be as distraught as she should be. It's really calm when this should be a sad, moving time for her. Go to times at home for her. Have her look over where she and Willson had met and had good times. Don't just focus on Willson.

Also, the parts about him in the army are long and go into too much detail. Shorten it. Just list them for the most part. Focus on how the war is for them and what Willson feels.

6. Grammar and Spelling errors

There were a lot of them. You definitely need to go back and just check over all your work.


Overall, there's a lot to edit. This can still be a good piece but it needs a lot of work. I hope you do edit this because it really could work!

0(o.o)0

i'm new at this so lets see how i do

the story was good but you didn't explain the characters that well or give ages. the reason that victor was fired from his job wasn't fully explained, the scenes were rushed and didn't have good meaning and the ending was strange. almost like you lost interest in writing the script but other than that it was actually a really good script. i can see it being on tour

I would like to thank everyone for helping.

Okay I agree with everyone else. The realisticness is bad. You ever seen a Sergent Major they yell alot. Here's an example of where you fail with speech.

Bad:

Welcome to the army base men. Here you will proper for the war that is taking place in Europe with France, Germany and various other countries. Now let's go get your uniforms.

Good:

"Welcome rats, you're the worse scum I've seen but it's my job to turn you pathetic excuses for men, into men that I can be proud of. I wish I didn't have to waste my time with you's. Due to the war I need to, so I don't like you. You don't like me. Now! Left turn! March over to that hut You shall find your uniforms."

See personaility. Don't use that though just work on dialogue. Another thing the bit of the grenade is called pin, not tab. I've read this before you should really work on dialogue. Look at famous plays like musicals. This oughta help. I can't say much more as I'd be repeating others.

Good luck and just don't be disheartned

VSN

The sex scene at the end was funny, perhaps intentionally. If you don't want that to be funny then change it right now.

I thought it was good.
Still i thought that there was a few things wrong.
The way everyone is always saying stuff simultaously is actually annoying at times.
Try using other phrases if you have to do that. Like Carla and Wilson answered at the same time. Only do better then what i just did.
I also thought that things between Wilson and Carla moved to fast.
Draw it out more to help the reader understand what they are feeling.
If you give them a real relationship with problems then the readers will feel more when he has to leave for war.
You should aslo make it so the scene where he gets his letter longer. More intense.
Make the readers feel like they are Carla feeling the pain of your true love leaving.
Maybe add some scenes explaining how they plan the wedding, telling her dad. Maybe her dad doesn't approve. All these things would add something to it.
And don't just listen to everything i say, make it your own.
PM me if i was to harsh just trying to help.
Good story though

Okay thank you.

I will have angelfire, kyte, blackcat, and someguy look over it before I post.

thething912,

One of the most cruical things that if wrong with this play is your methodology. You seem to be trying to write a flawless draft every time. You say you've rewritten this three times now. I say it's time to get a plot and stick to it!

I've read a book about the greatest broadway flops of all time. One of the telltale signs of a flop is a major rewrite just days before showtime. The producers get jitters and order an overhaul. The rushed product is always worse then the former. Often, writers may need to bite the bullet and accept that what they've written is not the next Casablanca. Your task is not to rewrite the ending each time it take a hit. Your job should be to make the script the best that it can be within the perameters already set out.

In my critique of your show, I critisized quite a few aspects of it, including the plot. I told you that you needed to overhaul the script. However, I want to tell you that I meant for you to keep the same plot that I had read, but liven up the dialouge, remove certain lines and scenes, and add some extra details.

I'm not even going to bother doing a line-by-line critique of your latest effort. You still have not adressed the most simple elements which conspired to bring down the first two editions. Cade has done a fine job of illuminating the difficulties with your dialouge. I corrected many of your mistakes in my line-by-line.


There are some people on these forums who do not listen to critiques, and never follow up on their work. You do follow up, and you do listen, and you do seem to be genuinely interested in making this story work. But it pains me to see the way that you are going about this. Please, please, stick to your guns. Please, your next effort to me or anyone else to proofread before you post it again.

Thank you.

thething912 wrote:Do you have any ideas on how to make the conversations more interesting?

I just deleted my entire crit. Oh well, I'm not that easily discouraged!
This has too many mistakes for a basic description, so I've done a line by line in the spoiler.

PM me with any questions.

[spoiler]

thething912 wrote:Okay, now it's done. I rewrote it some and added more love scenes.




Amore(Love).




Characters.

Carla is an affluent woman who comes to American from Italy. She has blonde hair and is twenty seven years old.
Willson is a man that Carla finds unconscious in a cornfield.
Molly is Giorgio’s personal helper.
Victor is Carla’s father. He has gray hair and is sixty years old.
Martello is Carla’s exboyfriend from Italy. He has black hair and is twenty five years old.
Giorgio is Victor’s older brother. He is fifty nine years old.


Introduction, after Victor loses his job, the family is compelled to move to America. There, Carla finds a man in a cornfield unconscious who has no idea who he is. Carla is forced to nurse him back to health, and, while doing so, falls in love with him and decides to marry him. But, right before the wedding, Carla’s exboyfriend comes to America and tries to take her back. And, two days before the wedding Willson goes missing. Will she pick her exboyfriend or will she remain with the man she found in the cornfield and why was he missing? Also, why was Willson in the cornfield?




Act One: Victor loses his Job.
Setting: A office.

The boss is sitting in a letter chair in his office when he calls Victor into his office.

Boss: “Victor come into my office!”

Victor walks into the boss’s office. You see the boos sitting in a large leather chair waiting for Victor.

Victor:“Yes sir.”
Boss: “I’m sorry Victor but, we don’t need you anymore.”
Victor questionably: “ What? Why?” He is losing his job. Surely he is a little more perplexed/angry then you make him out to be.
Boss:“You’re too slow and lazy. You rarely complete your work and you turn things in late. You haven’t completed anything this whole week.” Too blunt. He would beat around the bush more.
Victor: Trying to keep this job: “But, I really work hard. I have even turned my work in early this week.”
Boss: “That’s not what I am talking about Victor, you hardly ever complete anything and you take break when you’re not supposed to.”
Victor: “That’s because my back has been hurting all week.”
Boss: Angry: “No more! Victor you’re fired.!”
Victor: “You can’t do this to me, I have been working here for years.”
Boss: Livid: “Out!”

Victor leaves to get his things and walks out of the office very depressed.

Act Two: At home.

Victors enters though the front wooden door.

Carla: “Hello father!”
Victor: “I have bad news.”
Carla: “What?”
Victor: “I got fired.”
Carla: Felling sorry for her dad: Oh, sorry dad, that’s horrible.” She seems like she doesn't care.
Victor: “I was kind of thinking that we should go to America.”
Carla: “Why?” This is waaay to big an announcement to merit a simple "why?"
Victor: “I thinking that I can make more money over there.”
Carla: “Okay.” Wait, she agrees with this?
Victor: “Would you want to go?”
Carla: “ No, I love Italy.”
Victor: “ I’m sorry honey but, we have to go.” Too unrealistic that he goes from asking her opinion to forcing her.
Carla: yelling: “But, I don’t want to go!” and now, suddenly she reacts. Too late.
Victor: “We have to go”
Carla: “Well, what about my friends?”
Victor: “There will be some over there to meet.”
Carla: Not liking what Victor has to say but thinking things will be okay: “Well, alright then.” and she capitulates to quickly...



Act Three: The Taxi ride.
Setting: In a taxi.

Victor and Carla are standing outside the San Francisco Wouldn't New York be a more logical choice? airport when a oldlooking taxi pulls up. Victor is talking to the Taxi driver.

Victor: “How much will it cost to go to Sacramento?”
Taxi driver: “$34.” Perhaps with the declining dollar and the strength of the Euro, it may feel this cheap, but it sure as hell isn't..
Victor: “Okay.”

Victor and Carla enter the taxi; Carla is talking to her father.

Carla: “Why are we going to Sacramento? I thought we were somewhere else.” She strikes me as an ignorent, foolish, girl completely in the thrall of her father. I doubt this is you intention.
Victor: “I thought we should stay with my brother sense he lives there.”
Carla: “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
Victor: “Well, you never asked.”

Carla looks confused. The taxi driver starts to talk.

Taxi driver: “So, where are you all from?”
Carla: “We’re from Italy.”
Taxi driver: “Oh, okay; buona notte!”
Victor and Carla simultaneously: “Buona notte!”
Taxi driver: “What brings you to America?”
Victor: “Well, I got fired from my job, and was think that they are better opportunities to make money over here plus, my brother live here.
Taxi driver: “Oh, okay. Well, welcome to America.”
Victor: “Thanks.”

Act Four: They arrive at Giorgio’s house.
Scene One: Greeting.
Setting: Outside and Inside the house.

The taxi arrives at Giorgio’s house. Victor pays the taxi driver and then goes to meet his brother, Carla follows.

Giorgio: “Welcome! Nice to see you all.”
Victor and Carla simultaneously: “Thanks. It’s nice to see you also.”
Giorgio: “Carla let me help you with those bags.”

Giorgio lifts up two heavy brown bags and helps bring them inside.

Carla: “Thanks.”

All three of them walk inside. Molly walks into the room.

Molly: “Hi!”
Carla: “Hi!”

[s]Carla is talking to Giorgio.

Carla: “Who is that?”
Giorgio: “Oh, that’s Molly, she is my personal helper.”
Carla: “Oh, okay.”

Carla goes to introduce herself to Molly.[/s]
I recommend striking this because Carla should simply introduce herslef when they first meet.

Carla: “Hi, I’m Victor’s daughter Carla.”
Molly: “Nice to meet you.”
Carla: “You also.”

Carla wants to know more about Molly so she asks her more questions.

Carla: “How long have you been working for Giorgio?”
Molly: “About five years? So, what is Italy like? I’ve never been there.”
Carla: “Oh, it’s wonderful; you should go if you ever get the chance.” This conversation should go on longer and include more questions. Let us learn about the characters.

Giorgio starts to talk.

Giorgio: “Let me show you to your rooms.”

Giorgio and the others walk upstairs and enter a big size room.

Giorgio: “This will be Carla’s room, I hope you like it.”
Carla, “Oh, it’s lovely.”


Giorgio goes to the room on the right.

Giorgio: “And this will be Victor’s room. My room and Molly’s room are down the hall.”
Victor: “Okay.”

Victor and Carla enter their rooms for the night.

Act Two: Day two at the Giorgio’s house.
Scene One: Breakfast.
Setting: In the dinning room of Giorgio’s house.

The next morning, Victor and Carla go downstairs for breakfast.

Giorgio: “Molly made ham, bacon, and eggs for us; enjoy.”

Carla and Victor sit down at the table.

Carla: “I saw the horse on the way in. Is it rideable?”
Giorgio: “Oh, yeah, her name is Fancy, we just found out that she is going to have a baby.”
Carla: “Oh really? That’s interesting. Can we go out and ride her today?” A bit presumptuous. She probably ought to be more humble.
Giorgio: “Sure. So, how did you all sleep last night?
Carla and Victor simultaneously: We slept well thanks.” The simultaneous talking is getting very creepy. Only once or twice please!

A few minutes later, they all finish their food and exit the room.

Scene Two: A horse ride to remember.
Setting: In the barn.

Giorgio walks into the barn with Carla.

Giorgio: “Let me just saddle her up for you.”
Carla: “Okay.”

Giorgio put the rains and the saddle on Fancy. Fancy is a pant Could be a technical term that I don't know, but otherwise it isn't a word incase you were wondering.

Giorgio: “Do you know how to ride a horse?”
Carla: “No.”
Giorgio: “To go you just give her a kick, to stop you pull back on the rains, to turn right you pull to the right and to turn left you pull to the left.”
Carla: “Okay, thanks.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome. Well, have fun riding her.” With that kind of a crash course she'll kill herself for sure. She probably should have ridden a horse before.
Carla: “Okay, I will.”

Carla gives Fancy a kick and heads for the cornfield while there, she finds a man unconscious and decides to get him help as quick as she can.

Carla: Yelling: “Giorgio!”
Giorgio: “What?”
Carla: “I found someone in the cornfield.”

Giorgio comes running.Giorgio looks at the man.

Giorgio: “We'd better take him inside.” No exclaimation of shock? No surprise? Do men just drop out of the sky in California?

Giorgio and Carla take the unconscious man inside the house. Victor sees the unconscious man. ... and what does he think?


Scene Three: Rehabilitation.
Setting: The livingroom.

Victor: “What happened? [s]and[/s] who is he?”

Carla: “I found him the cornfield, and, I don’t know who he is.”
Victor: “Lets put him on the couch.”
Carla: “Good idea.”

Victor helps to move the man onto the big black leather couch.

Carla: “I think we should call a doctor.” In situatrions such as these, people generally do not give suggestions, they give orders. "Call the doctor!", "Put him on the couch!"

[s]Giorgio enters the room.[/s] You didn't say that he had left.

Giorgio: “There is no doctor for miles.” In California? Really?
Carla: “Well, do you think he will be okay without one?”
Giorgio: “I don’t know, we will have to wait and see?”
Carla: “How long do you think he was unconscious for?”
Giorgio: “Maybe a few hours.” ...and why does he think this? People need to explain their opinions...
Carla: I just hope he’ll be okay.”
Giorgio: “Yeah, so do I.”

Carla waits for the man to wake up. The rest exit the room.

Scene Four: Awaking.

Seven hours go by when Willson finally wakes up. Carla is shocked to see the man awake.

Willson: “What happened, and where am I?” Nice, he appears to have woken up the moment she enters the room. Unrealistic.

Carla: “We found you in the cornfield.”
Willson: “What was I doing there?”
Carla: “I don’t know.”

Willson tries to get up but has trouble doing so.

Carla: “Here let me help you.”
Willson: “Thanks. So what is this place?”
Carla: “This is my uncle's house.”
Willson: “Oh.”
Carla: “So, do you have a name?”

Willson thinks very hard but can’t recall this own name.

Willson: “CarpThis is hilarious. Carp is a kind of fish. Crap is... crap., I forgot my own name.”
Carla: “Is it okay if I call you Willson?”
Willson: “Okay. Why Willson though?”
Carla: “Willson was one of my best friends, he died in a car crash when he was fifteen. WOAH! If I was "wilson" I would strongly object to being named after a dead former friend. Bad bad bad.
Willson: “Oh, sorry to hear that.”
Carla: “It’s okay. So, do you know how old you are?” Dumb question. Rephrase it as: "So I guess you don't know your age either?"

Willson thinks hard but can’t recall his age. Carla wants to know if Willson is around her age.

Willson: “No, I don’t remember my age.”
Carla: “Oh, okay. Well, it is nice to know you.”
Willson: “You also.”
Carla: “Are you hungry? There are some leftovers from breakfast.”
Willson: Oh, yes, thank you.”
Carla: “You’re welcome. Let me help you down there.”
Willson: “Okay.”

Carla helps Willson into the dinning room. Victor and Giorgio are happy to see that Willson is conscious.


Victor: “It’s nice to see that you are feeling better.”
Willson: “Yeah.”

Willson and the others go into the dinning room.
Giorgio: “Here let me get you some food.”
Willson: “Thanks.”

Giorgio returns with a plate of food.

Giorgio: “Here you go.”
Willson: “Thanks.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome.”

Willson starts to eat some bacon.

Willson: “This is some good bacon.”
Giorgio: “Thanks, Molly cooked it.”
Willson: “Who is Molly?”
Giorgio: “Oh, she is my personal helper.”
Willson: “Oh, okay.”

Willson finishes his plate.

Willson: “Thanks for the food.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome.”

Carla begins to talk to Willson.

Carla: “So Willson, is there anything you would like to do?”
Willson: “What is there to do here?”
Carla: “Well, you could ride the horse or take a look at the animals.” Isn't this a bit irresponsible? Why does Carla keep coming across as so stupid?
Willson: “Well, I guess when I fell better I will ride the horse.
Carla: “Okay, so what do you want to do right now?”
Willson: “I kind of fell like taking a nap.” duh
Carla: “Oh okay.”

Giorgio walks into the room.

Giorgio: “Willson, come with me and I will pick a room out for you.”
Willson: “Okay.”

Willson and Giorgio go upstairs.

Giorgio: “Here you can stay in this room next to Carla’s.”
Willson: “Okay thanks.”

Willson enters the room. A few minutes later Carla goes to see Willson and finds him undressing.

Willson: “Hey, do you mind?”
Carla: Embarrassed: “Oh sorry.”

She closes the door and stands outside the room looking embarrassed and walks away.

INTERMISSION! This is where it ought to go.

Scene Five: The start of love.
Setting: Out of Giorgio’s house.

Carla and Willson go into the barn to ride Fancy. Willson offers to help Carla mount the horse.This is... several days later I presume?

Willson: “Let me help you mount her.” I cringed at this line. Sexual innuendo!
Carla: “Okay, thanks.”

Willson helps lift her up onto the horse then mounts himself onto the horse. Fancy is going really slow because Carla is still getting used to riding her.

Willson: Tired of waiting: “Any day now.”
Carla: “God, you’re so impatient.” Yeah he is. That line comes out of nowhere. When did he get so cynical?
Willson: Sarcastically: “I’ve seen continents move faster than this.”

Carla kicks the horse really hard and they almost fall off.

Willson: Yelling: “Slow down!” Wilson is coming across as an idiot...

Carla pulls back on the rains and Fancy kicks her feet up into the air. Willson falls off the horse.

Carla: “Ow!” I thought Wilson was the one hurt.


Carla goes to see if Willson is okay. Willson is lying on his back and appears to be hurt.

Carla: “Are you okay.”

Willson rolls on top of Carla and they starts to kiss. TOO FAST!!!!!!! THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE! HOLD ON! LET THE AUDIENCE AT LEAST FEEL SOME SORT OF CONNECTION BEFORE THEY START MAKING OUT!

Carla: “Oh, Willson.”
Willson: “What?”
Carla “You’re such a silly person.”
Willson: “Yeah, I know.”

Willson notices Carla’s eyes.


Willson: “Your eyes are like two pools of blue.”
Carla: “My eyes are black, I’m wearing contacts.”
Willson: “Oh.” funny.

Willson and Carla decide to take a walk around the farm. Willson and Carla walk past some flowers.

Carla: “Those flowers are really pretty.”
Willson: “Just like you.”
Carla: Confused: “Why are you acting so romantic?”
Willson: “I think Cupid has shot me with one of his arrows?” If any guy uses this set up, they will NEVER EVER GET DATES. EVER!!!!
Carla: “Huh?”
Willson: “Carla, I think I love you.”
Carla: “Oh, well that’s really nice of you Willson.” It's more then nice...
Willson: “Do you love me also?”
Carla: Unsure of what to say: “ Yeah, I think I do.”
Willson: “Well, that’s good.”

They start to kiss again.

They hold hands and go back into the house.

Act Three: Day three That was fast. at Giorgio’s house.”
Scene One: Planning to go to the fair.
Setting: The livingroom.

Giorgio comes into view.

Giorgio: “There is a fair in town today. Would anyone be interested in going?”
Willson: “I'd like to go.”

Willson goes to ask Carla if she wants to go.

Willson: “Would you be interested in going to the fair with me?”
Carla: “Um, okay.”
Willson: “Okay, good.”

Scene Two: The fairground.
Setting: At the fairground.

Willson and Carla walk past the fairest wheel.

Willson: “What to ride the fairestAnother innocent funny mistake. The Ferris Wheel is named after a guy named Ferris. Fairest has nothing to do with it. wheel with me?”
Carla: “Okay.”

Willson and Carla go to enter the fair wheel while doing so Willson plans a move on Carla... for the third time...
Carla sees Willson puts his arm around her; Willson leans in for a kiss.

Carla: “Oh Willson.

They start to kiss. I don't care.


Willson and Carla walk by a one of those games where you have to hit the thing with a mallet and it has a scale to see how hard you hit it. [s]anyway, I forgot the name of them.[/s] Willson goes to try to win Molly I hope you mean Carla a prize and manages to hit the thing hard enough to make it all the way up the scale.

Carla: Thinking to herself: “Wow, he’s really strong.”

Willson hands Carla a prize.

Carla: “Thanks.”

Later the [s]family[/s] two finish riding all the rides and decide to go back home.

Scene Three: A night in Willson’s room.
Setting: Willson’s room.


Carla walks into her room to find ticks all about her bed.
Carla: “Ew! What is that?”

Giorgio enters the room.

Giorgio: “Oh those are ticks, the dog most have been in here.” Shouldn't apologize.

Willson enters the room.

Willson: “You can sleep in my room if you want.” Blatant. Every 13 year boy know what is about to happen next.
Carla: “Okay, thanks Willson.”

Carla and Willson go into Willson’s room.

Carla: “Can I sleep on the bed?”
Willson: “Sure. I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
Carla: “Oh, you can sleep on the bed also if you want.” *cheesy* ooooooooo
Willson: “Okay.”


Carla goes into the bathroom to change into her nightgown. Willson goes to sleep on the bed Carla follows. Willson lies on his back and Carla rests her head on this chest.

Willson: “I can’t take this anymore.”

Carla turns to face Willson.

Carla: “What?”
Willson: “I love you too much.”

Willson gets off the bed and bends down to one knee.

Willson: “Carla, I love you.”

Carla heart stars to race.

Willson: “Carla, Will . . . ”

Carla almost faints. You bet she does. Two days and a marriage. This harkens back to older musicals like Guys and Dolls, where Sky marries Sarah after one night. Only... these two are so young, I keep thinking they're going to regret this in two years or less.

Willson: “Will you marry me?”
Carla: In shock: “Yes.
Willson: “What?”
Carla: “I said yes.”

Carla pulls Willson shirt off and they start to make out. Remember what I said about the 13 year old boys?


Act Four.

Scene One: Martello comes to America.

The doorbell rings and Giorgio answers it.

Martello: “Hello!”
Giorgio: “Who are you, son?”
Martello: “I’m Martello Carla’s ex-boyfriend.” And how exactly did he find her so quickly?
Giorgio: “Oh, I will go tell her that you’re here.”
Martello: “Okay.”

Giorgio goes to get Carla.

Giorgio: “Carla, there is someone here to see you.”

Carla goes over to the door to see Martello standing there.

Carla: In shock: “Martello it’s nice to see you.” Why doesn't she eask him how the hell he got here and followed her?
Martello: “It’s nice to see you also.”
Carla: “I want you to meet a friend of mine.”
Martello: “Okay.”

Carla goes to get Willson.

Carla: “Martello, this is my friend Willson.”

Willson talks to Carla.

Willson: “Who’s he?”
Carla: “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend Martello.”
Martello: “Nice to meet you Willson.”
Willson: “You also.”

Martello: “So, Carla how have you been?”
Carla: “Good thanks. Are you hungry? Molly has made dinner for us.”
Martello: “Oh, yes, thank you.”

Martello goes into the dinning room and the rest follow.

Martello: “Hey Carla, want to hear a joke?”
Carla: “Okay.”
Martello: “Okay, so, this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey why the long face?” Why did the Pirate go to the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Thought that was fitting.

Carla starts to laugh. Willson starts to become envious of Martello and starts to eat his food rapidly.

Carla: “Something wrong Willson?”
Willson: “Huh?”
Carla: “Why are you eating so fast?”
Willson: “Oh sorry.”

Willson starts to eat slower. A few minutes later they are all done eating and exit the room.

You have explained nothing about Martello.

Act Six: The wedding.
Setting: On the beach.

Scene One: The limo shows up.

The limo shows up and “Here come the bride” starts to play. Carla walks down the aisle.

Preacher: “Who takes this lovely women to be wed?”
Victor: “I do.”

A few minutes go by.

Preacher: “Willson, do you take Carla Brutini to your lawfully wedded wife?”
Willson: “I do.”
Preacher: “And Carla, do you take Willson to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Carla: “I do.”
Preacher: “You may now kiss the bride.”
Willson kisses Carla. Victor puts his hand over his heart and falls to the floor.

Carla: “Dad!”

Willson turns around.

Willson: “Someone call 911!”

A woman goes to call 911.

Carla: “Dad are you okay?”

No answer. The ambulance shows up.

Act Seven: A mystery solved.
Scene One: A talk with the doctor.
Setting: Outside Victor’s hospital room.

Carla goes to talk with the doctor.

Carla: “What happen to Victor?”
Doctor: “You dad is really sick we found out that most of his heart has gone bad.”
Carla: “Is he going to be okay?”
Doctor: “I don’t think so, sorry.” That sucks.

Scene Two: Victor’s death.
Setting: In Victor’s hospital room.

Victor wakes up.

Victor: “I want to tell you something.”
Carla: “What?”
Victor: “I put Willson in the cornfield.”
Carla: “What do you mean?”
Victor: “I wanted you two to meet so, I hit him over the head and dragged him into the cornfield.” So many questions are unanswered. But the foremost of which is: WHY DIDN'T VICTOR JUST INTRODUCE THE TWO NORMALLY?!?
Carla: “Oh.”

Victor dies.

Carla: “Well, that was very thoughtful of you.”

No answer.

Carla: “Dad?”

No answer.

Carla starts to notice that her dad was pasted away.

Carla: Crying uncontrollably: “No!”

Willson walks in to see Carla crying and decides to support her.

Carla: Crying uncontrollably: “He’s dead.”
Willson: “I’m really sorry.” Is that all he can say?

The End.

*Sorry it's late, thing. My dad kicked me off without even letting me save what i had already done. But here's my crit.*

Pretty good. You have the plot down and set, but the story/writing itself needs some patching up. Here's my suggestions:

Spelling and Grammar: Most of your mistakes are small and minor, but they're plentiful. You should seriously consider going back through your work and try to pick out as many mistakes as you can. It draws the readers attention away from the actual story when they have to read over stupid mistakes like the misplacement of a comma or two letters switched around in a word. But like i said, your mistakes are small so they aren't too distracting.

Flow: Your story flows pretty well, but the use of contractions would help tremendously. Instead of saying "I will" say "I'll" or instead of "Would have" say "Would've", especially when the characters are talking. Since your story is modern day, or close to it, making the speech more modern will make your story seem more realistic. Like Cade said, it seems as though the characters have no idea what slang or sarcasm or any of that other stuff is. Add more details, too. Have the characters interact like you or another person you know would talk/act.

Characters: This is a biggie. Your characters don't seem like real people to me at the moment. They're too alike. Have their own personalities show through a little more so they all don't seem like they're talking mono-tone all the time. Again, adding detail and contractions and adjectives to your characters speech will make them come alive. Make one of them really sarcastic and funny. Make one question everything that happens. Make one seem wise and thoughtful. Those are just examples, but if you add that to your characters personalities, it will help so much. A little bit of William's personality showed, and a little bit of Carla's, too, but everyone else just seemed too alike to be believable.

Setting(s): Most of the scenes in your story can be cut out to make it so much smoother. For instance, half of those airport scenes can be cut out or added to to make it more entertaining. I really disliked having to read like four scenes that could've and should have been cut out. Maybe it would look better in a actual play, but as of right now, they're just boring and hold no significance.

Romance: Honestly, other than William getting to his knees and asking Carla to marry him, the story didn't seem all that romantic. Maybe add a few more scenes with William dotting over Carla, or even of him just staring after her in amazement and love. I'm not great with coming up with romantic scenes but i can think of about three that would make your story so much better, romance wise. Brainstorm for a bit. You'll come up with something.


So...basically fix those things and your story will be much more interesting and believable. I really liked it though, don't get me wrong! ^.^

Hope it helps!
-Maybe

Thanks little.angelfire. I will take your advise and take out the airport scene. And, try to make the conversations more real. Also, I will make them longer.

I think you should add a bit more to act one. I don't know much about plays, but I think to make it a bit more realistic, Victor should try a bit harder and argue more to keep his job.

I also think you have some directions that the actor/tress would already pick up on, so they really aren't needed. For example, in act two: Carla: Questionably: “Why?”~ I don't think the "Questionably" is really needed. So it would be just fine if you cut these things out. Leave it to the actor/tress's and director to work out.

I hate to say it, but the beginning is just....there's really nothing there. maybe it's because I'm used to stories where there's more going on, unlike a script, but the flight scenes just seem useless. I think you should just take it all out. There's no real importance to it, except to show the fact that they're leaving. I suggest coming in when they get the bags, and actually telling the audience why the moved to America during the cab ride. The beginning is just so bland, and I have a bit of trouble picturing it on stage.

okay, instead of going over scene, I'm going to try and help you make the conversations more real. You have a good plot here, but it's really just taken away because of the blandness of your conversations. What I suggest doing is just thinking of what you would do in the same situation. When I write stories, I really do put my own thoughts into. I make up the situations and I pretend to be one of the characters. Put yourself in the play, put down what you would say if something said somethign to you. It takes practice, but it really pays off in the end. Plays are very boring if you don't have well-written dialogue, so you really have to work on it. You don't have a bunch of descriptions to cover it up.

Also, pace yourself. Don't rush all of your conversations. You can make a long script, because directors, if they are short of time, will make revisions to take some of it out. Make it long if you have to, it's okay. Length is another thing that I think will help you improve your conversations.

I hope my critique isn't too confusing XD. If you need me to explain myself, then bother me in chat and I will. I kinda skimmed through your work after a while (sorry >.<) so if you want me to look at a certain part, tell me in chat and I'll tell you what I think and how I think you can improve it. Okees?

--meow ^.^

LOVE THE STORY BUT... you have a few things that should be fixeded. i found a few spelling errors, and i also thought about the flow of the story.
Your story should have more detail, and there should be a reason to why things happen, like willson, how does she go about saying a random name?? Why does she pick that name??
also why does she aske questions about that trip, why is her father fired, why do these things happen??
you leave your story very open ended, but other then that i think you have a pretty good story!!
Then again my reply isn't the best i can't even seem to get my story going, but i hope i help a little!!

Thanks for reviewing. I will try to make the conversations more interesting. And, I will get rid of the Italian. Do you have any ideas on how to make the conversations more interesting?

Realism. My main complaint is that you haven't done much to flesh the characters out or said things about them that will set them apart; their conversation is rather boring and flat.
Even in plays where small talk is taking place, the characters don't sound stiff...some of their personality still shows through. Here, they sound like people who have never heard of slang, colloquialisms, or sarcasm. Even when speaking in Italian, the diction is flat (of course, I'm judging by the English translation, but still).
So...think about how real people sound. How would you speak, or how might one of your friends or relatives speak in a situation like this? Make your characters like real people; they deserve to be depicted more realistically.

Foreign Language. While using Italian makes the characters more "real" it also makes half the play impossible for those of us who aren't bilingual. You could get away with putting it all in English so that we can take the play seriously.
Look at West Side Story--when all the Sharks and their girls are together, you'd think that they would speak Spanish. But they don't, they speak English so that an American audience can know what's going on.
I do like the Italian title though; that's a nice touch because it's a well-known phrase.

Good luck!
-Colleen