Published December 11, 2007
My tetrouse life had yet again left me with no answer.
A tear beggings to form at the back of my head it burns my eye.
I lay in my bed thinking over all that has happend to me.
Do i have a piont to live? must i stay here?
I shan't enjoy any secound of it.
must i live another day...
The answer to my life question is no i can do what i want to cant i?
after all it is my life and i am my own person.
As i run to the top of the building i hear every sound that my heart makes cleary.
As i climb up the metal stairs i cut my feet to bits.
I jumped.
as im falling i feel the wind in my hair it's the most wonderful feeling in all my life.
i close my eyes...have i dead yet.
Am i almost gone?
I lay there with my eyes closed waiting for my death.
i cant feel the wind anymore have i landed i open my eyes for a secound,
i am no longer on earth i am in a place only the dead can see.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Hi,
I'm going to edit your poem. Here we go...
*My treacherous life had yet again left me with no answer.
A tear begins to form at the back of my head it burns my eye.
I lay in my bed thinking over all that has happened to me.
Do I have to live? Must I stay here?
I shan't enjoy any second of it.
must I live another day...
The answer to my life question is no can do what I want to cant I?
After all it is my life and I am my own person.
As I run to the top of the building, I hear every sound that my heart makes clearly.
As i climb up the metal stairs I cut my feet to bits.
I jumped.
as I'm falling, I feel the wind in my hair it's the most wonderful feeling in all my life.
I close my eyes...have I died yet?
Am I almost gone?
I lay there with my eyes closed waiting for my death.
I can't feel the wind anymore have I landed? I open my eyes for a second,
I am no longer on earth, I am in a place only the dead can see.*
Okay this poem is a little hard to read, like this line, "The answer to my life question is no can do what I want to can't I?".
But I get the vibe of the poem!
Raven,
Wow...
Spell check, por favor.
Also, I want to see more originality, because as it is, this makes me feel absolutely nothing.
One more thing: what in the world is a tetrouse?
It sounds like some kind of house for small lizards!
lol. Keep working on it, alright?
--Quippie.
This is a very good poem but I think you might have some grammer errors. Some of your words are mispelled and honey, that's what spell-check is for. It does truely help. Sadly your title is even spelled wrong! I would EDIT this post if I were you. Your emotions cover the work that's all that really matters. It's not THAT emo it's fine. Hope this helps and keep writing!
As Always
-Max
hi meg!!! its emily
awesome poem, great descriptive writing
maybe try reading over after you write it for spelling errors(makes it easier to read)
Hope to see more work soon
-BroadwayGirl
It was a nice poem. It conveyed your emotion. Yeah, it sounds emo and I like it (laughs). But it's like a typical poem. Nothing really spectacular. Also there are many grammatical errors in your work so try to change them. I kind of have felt that you struggled a little on how to convey what you want to say in this poem but it's okay. Feelings and emotions sometimes goes along as you age and experience. You're 12 so you still have many things to experience.
'Tetrouse' sounds awesome, but it's not a real word.
I don't think there should be an S at the end of 'beginning'. And, you spelled it wrong.
Capitalize your I's, and 'piont' should be 'point'. Also, 'must' should have a capital M.
'Secound' has no U.
The 'must' needs a capital M and the 'i' needs to be capitalized too. ^_~
I won't bother to point out all the mistakes in this sentence. It should be:
The answer to my life question is; no I can do what I want, can't I?
Capitalize the A in 'after' and capitalize the I.
Again, capitalize the I's. Also, how can it make her heart cleary? Cleary isn't a word.
Capitalize the I's.
Capitalize your I's and the A in 'as.
Capitalize the I's, add a question mark after 'yet' and change 'dead' to 'died'.
Capitalize the I.
Capitalize the I's, and add an apostrophe after the N in 'cant'. Also, there's no U in 'secound'.
Well, you already know my opinion on this.
I just corrected your mistakes in this review.
It's so emo it sends my soul into a spiral of despair.
You see, originality can be fun sometimes. You're 12, so you probably haven't had as much experience with this, but I hate being nice in critiques just because people are younger than I am. So. The idea is that your poem should be something new, something unique. So next time, instead of rambling about your feelings and repeating all the same crap that's posted every day by angsty teenagers on hundreds of forums, try to tell us something we haven't heard before.
And most importantly, read. We learn by following others' examples, so get out there to your public library or local Barnes & Noble, sit down in a comfy chair, and read some poetry.
its allso relly bad wen u spel evrything horibul n dont yuse puntuashun gud n stuf. its relly childsh, no wut i meen?
-Colleen
I'll review this when you've spell-checked it.
I'm afriad you've spelt the title wrong: 'dying' , not 'dieing'; 'cross out the -e and add -ing' eh?
I've got to pick up on the first line:
My tetrouse life had yet again left me with no answer.
What does tetrouse mean? My dictionary gives me nowt, and the last thing you want a reader to do is stop and have to leaf through an big, thick advanced english dictionary.
Meg!
Yeah, you shouldn't double post 'n all, but it's okay cause you've only just joined recently. I double - no, quadruple posted on all my topics when I first joined.
Anyways. I really love the idea that you've represented here, but you should capitalize your I's and add punctuation.
Also, you can edit this. ^.^ There's a button called 'Spell Check' so you can use that if you aren't sure.
Keep going with this! It has potential!
Narf!
Cheers,
Ayra
Thanks for all the help
i'll be sure to double check next time.
and i do comment other peoples stuff.
Sorry for commenting my own story...thats kind of sad.
How embarasing lol.
No double posting, please.
Can you run spellcheck on your poem please and proof read it? "i" needs to be capitalized and all that jazz. Apostrophes need to be added. That would make it easier to read.
Please do not comment on your own work, or bump it. If you would like reviews, try reviewing other peoples work. Also, people with purple screen names are instructors, try PMing them and asking if they will review your poem.
It usually takes more than an hour to get you a review, so don't expect anything immediatly. Of course, the best way to get reviews, and get noticed, is to review other peoples work.
My story is that bad that no one wants to say a thing:(
aww man!