Rei

I see a lack of logic in this. "Words cannot express the way I feel toward you." Yet there seems to be quite a lot of words.

It's interesting, but I'm not sure I understand what it's about, or how the title relates to it.

Got a lot of fancy language and creative sentence structure that was probably there to create tone and atmosphere. But in the end, I got so lost in the words, ...

I think I'm going to have to go along with Teodore on this one. The feelings are there, but not in a way that will make the reader feel anything. ...

Normally I hate being blunt, and try (unsuccessfully) to be gentle. In this case I'm going to make an exception. There are three words that I think best describe this ...

Ooh. Creepy. I like it. Made me think of a voice-over for the beginning of a horror movie or something.

I also liked the repeatition. It didn't feel obvious, and I hardly noticed it was there. But I do also agree that it didn't seem like you had a strong ...

Yeah, the paragraphs are a problem. It was okay, but the clumped-together paragraphs made it a bit hard to read.

Didn't really like it. Vague almost alwasy bugs me.

Oh yeah, the perfect "I love my cat" poem.

Thanks guys. I'm not surprized you thought it was too cute, Firestarter, especially since I intended this to be a picture book for younger kids. Can you believe I came ...

I think this is one of those cases where you really would benefit from, rather than having a prologue, putting all this into the first chapter. Expand it just a ...

Interesting. Was this supposed be about the effects of boredom, or did you just write it because you were bored?

Just to let everyone know, the next two chapters are in "Other Fiction" I don't plan on posting any more of this draft, but I would very much like some ...

Uh huh. You also need to decide whether or not you're writing in past or present-tense. In tis case I don't think present tense really suits it.