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A Different Kind of Goblin 1: Crossing

by Rei


whatever


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Sat Jun 04, 2005 5:35 pm
Rei says...



Just to let everyone know, the next two chapters are in "Other Fiction" I don't plan on posting any more of this draft, but I would very much like some opinions. This week I was thinking about it and decided that I need to completely restructure the way the story is working.




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Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:42 am
neonshorty says...



I really liked that story. It has some things that I can relate to and some I can't at all. I think it would be fine just by itself or with another couple of chapters. Keep writing!




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Tue May 31, 2005 1:14 pm
Rei says...



Hey, everybody, check out the next two chapters. All insults and high praise welcome. (oh, and suggestions for improvement as well)




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Tue May 31, 2005 1:23 am
Ceylon says...



Cool. I wish I could write like you :oops:




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Mon May 30, 2005 12:51 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



Cool story 8). I liked it :D.

Anyways, I found one spelling mistake:

'I mean, doe sit say anything about what fear can do to a person?'

Is that meant to be 'does it'?


As for all the spelling mistakes people are seeing, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't be that surprised if they're right.
With one of my fiction pieces, I printed it off and scanned it obssessivly for errors. Yet when I psoted it up on the internet, I had loads of spelling and grammar mistakes pointed out to me...
It's hard to spell check your own piece. Mainly because you already know what it's going to say next, and so don't really take the word in properly.




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Sun May 29, 2005 10:48 am
Fool wrote a review...



I enjoyed reading this, the suspence you build up, will this character step into traffic or wait for a space, i think it's very good and worthy of praise.

"Someone once said to me, "The world is not out to get you," which is rediculous. I know that, and never even thought it. No, it's not out to get me. More likely it's out to get away from me." i loved that bit, its a nice play on words that fits in with the story.

"I hate those eyes. Looking at me, finding the flaws, things they can use against me." thats a good phrase, it brings out the fear that your character must be feeling at this school, the last sentance as well, that really feels like it needs to be there, it gathers the meanings of this chapter together and is like a summary at the end, i liked it in all.

the only thing thats not made clear at the start, is your character wanting to commit suicide or just hurt him/her self enough so they dont have to go to school? its made clear later on, but it confused me at first, it may be the way you wrote it, but i'll admit it was the first thing i thought was not really right about this piece of work.

Looking forward to chapter 2.




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Sat May 28, 2005 4:04 pm
Armadian says...



That was very very good . Wait i mean great and now i move on to chapter2.




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Thu May 26, 2005 3:41 pm
Rei says...



I've looked over this a dosen times, and I don't see the spelling errors. I think what everyone thinks is errors is really just Canadian English.




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Wed May 25, 2005 7:35 pm
Kay Kay wrote a review...



Loved it!!! I like the way it started and ended. Only problems I saw were typos and spelling and punchuation errors. I hope there's more to read. My favorite part was:

But would anyone even notice. Would they care? If I do it, will people rush to my side to see if I'm not dead? Probably not. Maybe they'll just stare. That's what people do when they see an accident or a fight or something. They gawk like it's a movie or something. Maybe they won't even stare. They'll just go inside like nothing happened because it was me who got hit and not someone they know. Then they won't wonder who is supposed to be in that empty desk. Or maybe they will notice and be happy.

Someone once said to me, "The world is not out to get you," which is rediculous. I know that, and never even thought it. No, it's not out to get me. More likely it's out to get away from me.

So I'm standing here across the street from the school, waiting for a space to open so I can cross. Part of me is saying that I shouldn't cross and just go back home. Another part is telling me I should cross now and just see what happens. Then there's that tiny voice in the back of my mind that says I gotta go to school. Only trouble comes from not going to school, and I don't want any trouble. I just want to get through high school.

Keep up the good work!!!




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Tue May 24, 2005 4:41 pm
emotion_less wrote a review...



"Those eyes are like laser bolts, like knives sticking into me, like poisonous darts. At least in high school there's a uniform."

You were mentioning the hair before this, and then, without much warning, you started talking about the uniform. Maybe you should place it elsewhere.

There were some typos and grammatical and spelling errors in here, but I liked this. I liked it better than your other one. Both are good. I just like this one better.




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Mon May 23, 2005 9:20 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Reichieru wrote:It'll be so easy. Nobody'll know I meant to do it. If I time it right everyone will think it was just an accident. Do it a few minutes before school starts and everyone will think I was just running so I wouldn't be late and wasn't paying attention. It'll be a way out. At least for a few weeks. Remind everyone that I'm a person too. Remind them that I exist for other reasons than to be laughed at.


This reminds me of you other story, which I also liked. It looked like that story was just a warm-up to this one. This one is better/.

A strong gust of wind goes by, taking most of my hair with it. Oh crap! My hair. My hands rush to my head to smooth it back down. It took forever just to get it right. Every day I gotta comb it over and over again. I'm not obsessed with my hair. I don't put colours in it, or hair spray, or mouse. I just have to keep it neat so people won't look at it. It's a pain, really, and I'd rather not do it, but it's better than having everyone's eyes on me.


Love that part with a passion. Everyone else like to mention stomachs which are a little pudgy, but one of the ways that many girls fret about is their hair. One breath of wind is all it takes to get a girl in a nervous frenzy. Their hair is being messed with.

People say that if you want to overcome your fear, the important thing to do is to face it. Well, I have been facing my fear. For eight damn years. It doesn't stop. It never stops. It only gets worse.

It only gets worse.


I'm not quite sure if the last sentence is necessary. Your choice.




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Tue May 17, 2005 1:58 pm
Rei says...



Everyone should ignore the poll. I was in a bad mood when I did that. But I'm not liking this as much as I did when I wrote it. I'm ready to hear what I could do to make it better, if there is any hope for it.




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Tue May 17, 2005 2:20 am



sweet, 8), this is gonna turn out well, yeah what does tripe mean? im not gonna vote, stop being negative, make one of the things that we can vote on posotive...




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Tue May 17, 2005 1:51 am
Snoink says...



Er.. I was the one who voted tripe, but only because that word is so nifty.

Um... goodish. I'll comment on it later, when my mom isn't hounding me to get my paper finished... *sneaky eyes*




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Tue May 17, 2005 1:08 am
Areida says...



Wow. Great job, Reich...this is really impressive. Very few spelling errors, great building tension, fabulous lines...marvelous. Just marvelous.




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Tue May 17, 2005 12:44 am
Rei says...



Actually I'm tired of hearing how much my other stuff sucks. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thank you muchly. I know it seems like it's in the wrong section now, but if I get more mostly positive responses, I'll continue to post scenes, and the title will begin to make sence. Right now I'm in the figuring it out stage of writing it.




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Tue May 17, 2005 12:34 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



You're tired of me saying it's good and nothing else but I'll say it anyway. It was good. It kept me reading although I had to stop to get some water badly I couldn't. YOUR STORY COULD HAVE DEHYDRATED ME! :-p I really enjoyed it especially the ending..

Why did I waist my time reading this tripe?

waist? and what's tripe?




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Tue May 17, 2005 12:23 am
Darkmoon158 says...



*blinks eyes fast* That scared me, but in a good way. It means I was absorbed in the story. I felt everything they did. I give you three thumbs up. It was excellant. I mean, that was good. Yay!





The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians