Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that was a bittersweet little story. Its nice to see the friendship between these two but it looks they are in a very sticky situation there. You definitely do a good job showing their emotions as all of these things unfold here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“If he was like, three inches taller, he could rest his chin in her cleavage.” Clara said while we watch a couple getting up to leave the diner. We are both sitting in a worn out red booth not too far away from them so they are in earshot of everything we are saying. I laugh as the boy turned and looks at us, his face red and breaking out in sweat. His date tugs at his hand and leads him to the door. We laugh as he turns away and steps out into the rain. Clara punched me in the arm, her blue eyes gleaming. Pushing the light colored waves of my hair out of my eye, I take a sip of the chocolate shake I had been holding. As the couple leaves the parking lot, Clara and me still sit in the booth talking. Clara is wild; she usually says things without thinking and often gets into trouble. I was more of the quiet one who went along with everything she did or told me to do. Last Halloween I broke into some poor old lady’s house to look for paper bags to stuff dog shit into and leave on unsuspecting neighbors porches to burn. I didn’t know why we broke into a house; I assumed it was because we couldn’t go into the super market after what Clara had done with the grapes so I just did whatever she told me to. I almost wound up in jail because of that. Luckily Clara knew that one of her brother’s friends lived a block away that we could hide out in. He was a druggie who liked to smoke marijuana and get so drunk he didn’t even know what two times two was. Being like any sixteen year olds, we took a hit of whatever he offered. I went home later that night after we were sure the cops were gone and got grounded after my mom found a bag of coke hidden in my jacket pocket. “You have and change?” Clara asks bringing me out of my thoughts. “For what?”
That's a very chunky opening paragraph that you've got there. It certainly sounds pretty interesting with the backstory stuff and the hints about personality but its just much too long and talking about too many different topics. You really need to break this up into at least three or four smaller paragraphs and try to space out those separate ideas.
“What else?” she asks giving him a charming smile. Clara was good at flirting; she didn’t even know she was doing it until the guy would ask her out on a date. He smiled shyly as he pushes his black hair out of his eyes; acne covered his cheeks and gave him a greasy look. Clara turns back to me as he gets four quarters out of the cash register, “Here you go,” he said handing her the quarters. She took them and walked away as he watched on, wiping the same spot and then shining his ‘Employee of the Month’ badge off like he was something hot. Clara rolled her eyes at me making me laugh and then cough when the sip of chocolate ran down my throat unsuspectingly. Soon a hit of the 70s came through the speakers. I knew this song; it was the one Clara had been playing while we were in her station wagon coming to the diner. It was her favorite for rainy days. Skipping slightly as she made her way through the tables and back to me. She gave me a goofy grin while she pulls me up. “What are you doing?” I asked as she tugs at my sleeve. “Bathroom,”
And that's again entirely too much of a large chunk that you've got there. You really need to break those up a bit and make sure that we can easily see the different actions and thoughts happen. Otherwise it becomes hard to read when its all bunched up in a single paragraph.
“Me and my brother sometimes come up here for ice cream cones. He was working the counter like usual and we got to talking and before I knew it he was asking me out on a date. Everything went by so quickly after that and when we were sitting in front of my house he…kissed me. When my dad started flickering the lights for me to come in he asked if I would like to go somewhere a little bit more private. Things just got out of hand.” I knew that was a shortened version, but I knew Clara; she wasn’t the person to give details.
Well that certainly got way out of hand.
Rocking her gently I let her cry and comfort her as she went on about how worried she was between sobs. Later after closing, an employee finds us on the bathroom floor and told us we’d have to leave. The rain mixed with Clara’s tears as we run outside to the car and I help her into the car as she cried softly. Running over to the other side, Clara hands me the keys. Turning the key in the ignition, I look up as the rain hits the windshield and see the blurry face of Melvin, looking out at us as he washes the windows in the same circular motion as the counter.
Well that does not sound it's a very nice ending for poor Clara. I'd really like to find out more on this if you've ever written a part 2 to this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall besides those giant paragraphs where I sometimes feel that some of the information that you present is unnecessary for a short story you've done really well and made it a pretty believable friendship between these two. It was a nice little story to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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