my favorite has been forgotten
and been gone a long time
heard only by people who
weaze and breath only fine wine
sticks of burning light
high up in the creamy nights sky
remind me of when i saw stars
for the very first time
the trees bend and twist
reaching for something they
can not find deep with in
the crevasse and fissures of my mind
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey there magusthemad.
I came across this poem and the previous commentary on it interested me. There seemed to be some discussion over the title, which I will admit might seem a bit confusing but I do like to see titles with slightly deeper meanings. Often people will just choose random lines out of their poems to create a title for their work but it's that type of title often causes issues for me. I see it as a combined lack of originality and then also leaning towards a lack of a buildup. "theater 3" is still slightly problematic because there's no initial description to go along with it but I'll just roll with it for now.
Moving onto the standard technical things, I always want to talk about stanzas and punctuation because those are some of the easiest improvements to make. The way to split the stanzas is depending on how you want to mesh the different ideas together and what might need more emphasis. I see quite a few things going on within this poem, which makes it a little bit hard for me to think about where to make any divisions. And with all the jumping around you do in the poem, stanzas are going to help out a lot with that.
And punctuation would make the flow easier. The flow does have some issues here with the bouncing around because then the ideas aren't properly linked. These are more minor separate things but by the end they were really bothering me, and I couldn't focus on the poem. So poems can be stream of conscious but it's better to do a bit more editing before posting, to make absolutely sure that the word choice is working out.
That's all I've got for today.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
i wrote it at a theater (one called theater 3) and couldnt think of a name
It's interesting, but I'm not sure I understand what it's about, or how the title relates to it.