Meep

That was creepy and surreal. I like it. :D I think you could do with more description. Some of your paragraphs felt like laundry lists. While you're off to a ...

Okay, this was a little disappointing. I think it would've helped a lot if we knew a little bit more about the characters. I understand that this is supposed to ...

My first thought is this: since this apparently takes place in Japan, why don't the characters have Japanese names? Beware of fangirl Japanese. It is a very dangerous thing. Why ...

Having just read part one, I was pleased to see part two had already been posted. Okay. I really liked the bit about how he was practicing what he was ...

I think the whole in media res thing can be used well, to throw us right into the action and explain things as we go. There's an art to it, ...

To be honest, this sounds exactly like Star Wars, and not in a good way. That sounds really awful, but it's true. Everything you posted can be traced directly back ...

Hm. I think the story could be off to an interesting start, but you need to slow it down. Give the readers more time to get settled into the story. ...

Well, I liked it. It was a good read, and I think that your description is particularly good, especially the first paragraph. Gramatically, the biggest problem is your apostrophe use. ...

Okay. The first thing that I noticed was that your grammar was crazy. What's with all of the hyphens, anyway? The first paragraph was particularly bad, grammatically. Now, I'm not ...

I liked the beginning. It actually reminded me of an exchange I had with a character in my dreams once. The whole story, though, is very interesting. I would try ...

It reminds me of Tolkien, which could be good or bad. I think that, for an opening, there was too much description and not enough action. (I say this as ...

“When is the mage arriving, Kitty?” He asked anyone in particular. ... eh? He addresses his sister, but (didn't?) ask anyone in particular? Also, the name Kitty is one of ...

Edit, edit, edit. If you'd like, I can go over this with a virtual red pen and point out/clean up your grammatical errors, but basic things like that are really ...

Iiiinteresting. You use a lot more words than necessary. I think you could combine and shorten sentences to say just as much without having to say as much, if that ...

Okay, the opening was probably the best. I love the bit about the Office With the Yellow Door. Somehow, the letter sets the stage in the most excellent way. After ...