I mentally pictured myself in my own little world. Away from my life’s careless errors. Away from the sleepless nights, away from the night where my whole life seemed to unfold in front of me and I was struck with the pain of such a sudden reality. My life h ad spun its own intricate web and I was stuck in the middle. No superman had come to save me when I was in danger, no helping hand at all. I deserved to be abandoned, to be left to struggle to live, to be a competent mother and human being.
My life had turned an abrupt path the day I turned seventeen years old. I didn’t have the brains of a woman or the capacity to understand that life wasn’t all fun and games. I was a typical teenager, always lacking something and wanting everything. After that incident, I realized that my easygoing life had turned into anything but easy because of my own mistakes. Even though I learned from those mistakes, I couldn’t change the past.
The moment I attended an end of the school year party with no parental supervision, my car of life headed down Worsen Lane. That night, I had sex with some random guy. That one and only mistake lead to a whole life full of trauma, pain and confusion. My parents had kicked me out
Then one morning, I noticed red-brownish blotches on my skin and eyelids. I forgot where my glasses were even though they were on the counter near me. But I had brushed it off as nothing…
Soon, I couldn’t remember my own phone number and the blotches spread to my nose. Things were happening all too fast. If I dared blink, I’d probably miss something. I knew as well as anyone else that if I didn’t do something to try to understand what is happening to my body, I might die. And dying without knowing is worse than knowing.
If I had to pick one word to describe my life, I’d pick chaos-an enormous, swirling hurricane of chaos. All fed by one source: me. Yet there was only one thing that combined all my problems into chaos, HIV, all fueled by the sex.
Those blotches and memory loss were symptoms of HIV. There are many other symptoms of HIV, I had also noticed at that time. Only if I had taken those warning signs as hints. Only if I could go back in time.
I mentally pictured myself in my own little world. Away from my lives careless errors, away from the sleepless nights. away from a non-curable sickness-away from the endured suffering, away from deaths call…
Just remember, time never stops, time goes fast even when you aren’t having fun, so don’t blink because you might just do something you’ll regret forever…
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay.
The first thing that I noticed was that your grammar was crazy. What's with all of the hyphens, anyway? The first paragraph was particularly bad, grammatically.
Now, I'm not sure that you need to make this longer, but you need to do more showing than telling. You told the whole story, meaning the reader didn't see any of it.
There were a lot of unrealistic things going on, too. Most people don't randomly go sleep with a stranger out of the blue: there's a progression of events that leads to The Mistake. Why didn't she consider having an abortion? Why didn't anyone catch the HIV when she was in the hospital giving birth? Why does the airport let her have a kid there? If this was the first time she'd made a major screw up, why did her parents just kick her out? These are all things to consider when expanding the story. (Also consider doing some extended research on STDs; HIV/AIDS isn't the only nasty STD.)
I think you've got an interesting thing going, but it's a well used concept, so try and expand on it. Make us feel for the character; it'd be nice to know how she reacts to everything.
So, it's a good summary, but what I think it could be much, much better if you expand and revise it.
I think this story would be better if it were longer. Good idea and message, but you could definately improve it. Well done though.
Ok, i liked this a lot! You could tell it had a lot of meaning and depth behind it, but I think you went a little too fast. The ending was a bit abrupt. Also, i think you should add more to the things you mentioned. Like how she found the apartment and the parents intial reaction, and like Snoink said, the guy and how everything went down with him. Things like that.
But on a whole, this was a very good start! Add more to it!
~Tina
This was very brief. Sometimes I've found that it can be good in a story, but I don't think it seemed to work in this one. It probably would have been better if it was a longer story, with more description.
I also didn't find the fact that her parents cast her out believeable. If they loved her a lot before she got pregnant, why should it be any different?
I like the idea and plot, but I think you could write it a little better.
Thanks. It was supposed to have a moral. that's all. and how life can be ruined by one mistake.
Yeah, YWS doesn't have paragraph indents. Instead, put spaces in between each of your paragraphs. It's much more readable that way. ^_^
First of all, what I liked! I liked it how you used poetic devices in fiction. So many people don't use them, or they think that poetic devices in fiction are meaningless when the exact opposite is true. I liked the way you varied your word choice and was able to tell an event.
Still, the story wasn't really a... story. It was a summary of a bad experience. To make it more of a story, center on somehing specific and tell us what's going on by showing us. So instead of telling us that she got pregnant by having sex with a random guy, describe the random guy, how he did it and what was going through her mind.
Hope that helps!
it decided to not take my paragraph indents...