Hey all! These are the first few paragraphs of Tears of Lecraesa, the sequel to Flames of Lecraesa which I am working on now. These paragraphs are purely figurative, so even if you have no read Flames, I would love your opinions on this.
Concerns about the below excerpt: is it too wordy? Do I convey the mood? Is anything awkward? Does it flow? Any other comments?
~~~
Tears of Lecraesa
Prologue
Some fires never pass away
And some ashes are destined to be found
But tears quench the fire
Tears of joy
Why did we never dare
In all our dreams
To hope that one day we might see
The wilted flowers bloom again?
~ Senzieda
It was raining. Droplets of water fell upon the frail, white flowers that sprung from between the gray stones in the forsaken Courtyard of Oceanstone. Water from the cracked fountain trickled in a silvery web of rivulets, and distant thunder rumbled, the tiny flowers quivered, shying from the loud disturbance of their silence. The dripping tears that rolled slowly down the chilled, stone fountain bejeweled their slight petals, and a faint wind hissed through the little flowers so they shivered against the cold and dipped into little streams of rainwater. The weak, white flowers sniffled and swayed in the wind, lamenting the loss of one of their own.
The wind sighed and carried the faint fragrance of summer away. Just as the rain’s downpour reached its peak and flooded the courtyard with a murky shadow, the looming clouds above parted silently, opening like a wound against the ashen sky. Slowly, the sun peered from behind the blossoming clouds, her light more frail than radiant. Within moments, the courtyard was bathing in silver light, sheets of rain still cascading from the sky. Little white flowers reached for the light, never quite strong enough to touch the sun. The cracked stone of the cold fountain glistened in the pallid sunlight and, for all the tragedy and despair etched into the old fountain, a fading brilliance still hung about her like a lingering shade of a beautiful time.
The moon had fallen and all the stars had vanished into the night, but while tears of joy cascaded from the sky, nothing could keep the sun from rising again….
~
!!
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The description was pretty; the only trouble I found with it was it seemed very "The [noun] [verb]" for a while, and that got difficult to read after a while.
I fear I'll reiterate the apt remarks already made.
You're a deft hand at - and seem to love - setting an atmosphere. In foreshadowing, you've a lovely, layered style and the images are often as vivid as a scene in a film.
Yes, rather wordy.
Above, why 'frail, white...'? Doubly heavy on adjectives; and you've already an excellent alliteration on 'frail flower' that's just as indicative of weakness and wanness. ^_^'
Awkward? There's nothing awkward in it but for where you keep telling what you've conveyed so beautifully in the first place.
Hit each point and move on. If you mean to circle back, do it by contrasts rather than near-perfect similarities. You begin on the wan flowers, frail, in the first paragraph. You end on --
...ah, white flowers again. And they sniffle? Lamenting is deft - I can see them nodding, bowed and grieved. But sniffle? Sniffle says toddler and reiteration.
Trim it, not on length of sentence; not necassarily on adjectives (though yes, they do fall heavy at points). Trim it for precision. Make your point and let it stand.
Does it flow? All of the above applies. My reader's mind catches on the repetition where it feels leaden. All else flows neatly; your writing is nothing if not smoothly flowing. ^_~
For simplifying: Again, lovely image, melancholy and evocative. But its finish feels clumsy. Could it in remain, merely, '...hung about her like a lingering shade of beauty'?
--
That's about all, to finish. ^_^ Always a pleasure, WD. You've set the atmosphere layered with a weary - if rising - sense of history. Now I just want to see the characters slip into it all. ^_^
IMP
It reminds me of Tolkien, which could be good or bad. I think that, for an opening, there was too much description and not enough action. (I say this as someone who hasn't read the first one, though. Maybe there's something in the first one that makes the rain/flowers/courtyard/scene more important, storywise, and I just don't know it?) It sets the mood, but it doesn't make me want to find out more.
This could just be me because I'm really picky about this but i didn't like how often you used the word 'flower.' I don't know if you can really change this though without overusing a different word.
I don't know if loud is necessary.
Very good! I loved the description! Especially the personification of the flowers. (I think that's the right word.)
I have to say I liked it a lot. Fantasy is my one true love, after all. I loved the poem, though it didn't go with the prologue. It flows good and nothing is awkward. I like the wording. I have trouble with wording, too, but mine is usually too little description! LOL! Keep it up!
You know I'll get to this eventually.
*wink* *wink* *double wink*
Basically on a first-read-run-through I ditto Jack.
My, now, wasn't that totally unhelpful ... I think.
Chowder,
Cal.
-Bounces- I can't wait to read more of this. Although I'd like to read more of Flames, too.
I liked this a lot.
Sorry if this isn't super helpful. o.O Not really gonna repeat anything that was all ready said.
Thanks so much, Jack. I really needed to hear that; I easily lapse into excessive adjectives until someone knocks me on the head and tells me to cut down. ^_^ I'll go back and see what I can cut and refine.
If I am honest, I did not care too much for the description. I got a little tired of the incessant attention on the progress of the weather. I do not mind a few sentences, but what I think we have here is too much being said for what in reality is not that much.
More detailed critique:
Consider combining the first two sentences. I also think you suffer from unneeded adjectives. Personally, I'd drop white, gray and forsaken. Revisied version: Rain fell upon the frail flowers that sprung from between the stones in the Courtyard of Oceanstone. While this might not seem so poetic, it's more direct and less superfluous; it drives home the point without being wordy and winding around what you're actually saying.
This is a run-on sentence. After rumbled you should stop and start a new sentence. "Silvery web of rivulets" is totally unneeded. Consider dropping "distant" since thunder always sounds distant, that's the nature of it. I think you could simply put "The tiny flowers quivered" which is more powerful than with the added clause of "shying from the ..." which is obvious since you just referred to the thunder.
Your sentences are awfully long and they get a bit boring. You have a wonderful control of language but you're not reining it in successfully (I believe I suffer from the same fault many a time). You need to stop these adjectives controlling your sentences -- chilled isn't needed, neither is slight, I'm confused as to how a faint wind would hiss (faint suggests to be more quiet) so drop faint, and why do the flowers dip into the water when they shiver? I didn't understand that. This could probably also be separated into a couple of sentences instead of one long one.
Attack of the Pointless Adjectives III. Weak and white aren't needed -- you've established the colour and the frailty, you've shown the description, don't nail it into your reader's forehead. I do however love the image of flowers lamenting. Wonderful.
Here we go! Here's what your capable of. Notice what is great about this sentence? Your verbs make the sentence without the help of any adjectives. See what they can do whatever being impeded? You need to let go of your adjectives and bring out those better verbs to make your writing good.
Silently isn't needed, clouds never part with noise.
You just said the clouds parted, so why is the sun peering? Surely it can just shine through the gap just created? I like the idea of the light looked frail next to the shadowy water, nice words.
Wait -- you just said the light is frail. But now it's radiant enough to bath the courtyard easily? Slight mix-up there, I feel. Cascading seems like a verb out of place here too. It tends to refer to something falling and hitting incremental steps, like a waterfall falling on a a series of rocks. Rain fells unimpeded, so it doesn't really work.
Just refer to them as "The flowers".
Once again, the light is pallid even though it filled the courtyard easily. Hmm. I want to rephrase your last clause so badly to "a fading brilliance still lingered." That's all you need. Really.
Cascaded again -- don't like it here either. Otherwise, fair job.
Phew. Haven't done a sentence-by-sentence critique like that for a long time. Sorry if it didn't sound very nice! You have a wonderful command of the English language, WD, but you need to structure and control it a little better. It's a little wild right now and doesn't read as well as it could. The power is there but it's not hitting me right.
As for your questions:
Is it too wordy?
Yes, too many adjectives and some run-on sentences.
Do I convey the mood?
Yes, I understood the whole tears idea, a long with the idea that hope can only be trampled but never extinguished. The sun will still come back and the fountain still retains some dignity despite all the destruction. The flowers still hold on. It all worked
Is anything awkward?
See my comments above. It's not awkward per se but just not as well written as it could be.
Does it flow?
I believe it does.
Thanks for the excerpt, WD. Nice read. Hope I helped! I might for read Flames now ...
Woa...
Seriously. That was amazing. You wrote with, and this is gonna sound wierd, but you wrote with such passion. You made it beautiful. And silent. I don't really know what thats suppose to mean but thats how it felt.
Really good job, Pm me when the next part is out.
~Pol
*blushes* Thank you.
Eeep, thanks for pointing out the rose vs. flower thing, McMourning. I never noticed that before. The flowers allude to the prologue of the first book, Flames of Lecraesa - I changed the roses in Senzieda's poem to flowers.
Danke schon!
Hello!
It was not at all too wordy! Words are great when describing a scene or setting the mood of the story.
However, I am confused about the connection between the opening "poem" and the actual piece. When you describe white flowers, do you mean it is the wilted roses blooming again? If so, say so. If not, connect the pieces.
Also, most novelists would put Senzieda's piece in italics, so it stands out from the rest. Of course, this is purely optional, but I prefer it in italics.
Nice writing style,
MM
That was soo descriptive and....beautiful. I really liked it. I can't really crit it properly because I can't find anything wrong with it!!!
Thumbs up from me,
Alainna
xxxxxx