Young Writers Society

I liked the beginning. It actually reminded me of an exchange I had with a character in my dreams once. The whole story, though, is very interesting. I would try to work in the dream sequence, so that it's less choppy. The dream doesn't flow in and out like real dreams do. Also, how does the other character know what Savial saw in her dream?

I agree, just be a bit more descriptive with your writing and you're good to go. I liked it, however. Never give up! Always keep moving forward! Shadow pretty much covered the examples, so I won't go there. I had trouble with descriptions as well. It just takes some practice. Use your imagination--that always helps.

You really need to get inside Savial's head and describe her thoughts, feelings, emotions and all. Just describing (telling!) isn't enough. Show it! The reader needs to be sympathetic towards Savial, and care about what happens to her.

That said, this isn't "Gaspshriekshockhorrorsomeonepleasekillmenow!" awful. It's quite good, ackshurly.

You need to describe things, what's happening, what things and places and people look like, what they smell like, what they feel like, how they make Savial feel.

Describe the temple. Was it made of stone? Carved stone? White stone? You only tell us that it's huge.

Describe the curtain. Was it embroidered? Plain? Silk? Cotton? You only tell us that it serves as a door.

Describe Savial's feelings as she enters the room, during her dream, when she awoke. You tell us nothing at all of that!

It was an interesting beginning, and it makes me wanna read more - always a good sign.

Anyways, carry on writing!

-Twit

I don't undertsnad why you say it's so bad, it certainly isn't. It is a little simple but it retains its effectiveness. If the rest of the piece is in this style it may not work so well, as kitty says, it would need more description.

The first few lines interested me, they are good hooks. However, during the vision I began to feel distanced from the characters - just watching them as if from far away; make it more personal. You leave a lot of unanswered questions, which is good, so long as you answer them later.

Don't give up on this.

The first thing this piece needs is more description. You use phrases such as 'she eventually fell down' while barely mentioning the struggle. We want to see how hard this struggle is rather than just know that it goes on for a long time. Describe how your persona feels, the quickening of her breath and how her legs shake as they give way. In fact it might not be a bad idea to describe your character for us as well and who she is talking to at the beginning. The plot in this story sounds interesting and I'm sure it will be really good after you expand it.

The lioness eventually stopped and let her on ride the rest of the way. [color=blue] This is the only mistake I could find. I think you need to say 'the lioness eventually stopped and let her climb on and ride the rest of the way' for it to make sense but there's no reason you can't describe how she climbs on or use a more imaginative word like -

The lioness slowed and eventually stopped and padded back to where Savial stood panting. She tossed her mane back and forth before bending her body. With some hesitation, the young girl pulled herself up. The lioness' fur was warm and soft and she moved swiftly, allowing Savial to ride the rest of the way to their unknown destination. - See. It might not be the best description but even that little bit makes the story more interesting.

If you re-write any of this I'd love to read it so feel free to pm me about it,

Heather xx