MaryEvans

In general, I don't like when things open with a quote, but that's personal preference. Another nitpick: I see no reason to specify who we are observing unless you are ...

I'm a bit rusty in reviewing but here it goes. “It felt like she had been swimming in darkness for an eternity.” Whenever you start a sentence with 'it,' stop ...

Ok, I will start with a simple formatting and posting note. People don’t like to read long texts per page on the internet so it would be more beneficial if ...

I read over my previous reviews and realize I sounded too harsh. Sorry, I seem to focus too much on nitpicks so don't take it too much at heart. We ...

Your style is a bit too wordy at times. Nothing too severe or problematic but it needs some polishing. I mean things like this: It eventually turned out to be ...

Lucian says it’s on the west side of the third floor. Is he saying it right now? Is he here next to her? I think you stumbled into one of ...

I haven’t been to the dining hall when it’s clamoring with people since the day after my failure. Something funny is going on here. I think the “when it’s clamoring ...

I think you focus on the nails too much when it isn’t really that central to the plot and what is happening. Just get rid of the middle sentence and ...

Cut out ‘immediately’ from your first sentence. You don’t really need it. And whenever you use an adverb make sure you ready do need it. The third sentence stands somewhat ...

Work on your opening paragraph some more. It starts ok, but stumbles towards the end. The second sentence is vague, you can expand on it. And the ones after have ...

You are beginning a new chapter; it would be nice to reset the settings, situation and characters before plunging into the dialogue. A few establishing sentences would be more than ...

“Abel told Dominic, who lifted a questioning eyebrow.” There’s something funky about this one. The ‘who’ in particular. I think it’s because it’s the opening but I would suggest going ...

I like the opening. Very visual. Good hook. Look over your use of past perfect and make sure you can’t use simple instead. Also vary your sentences. You start with ...

I think speed is uncountable in the context you use it. In any case there’s something funky going on with that first sentence and I suggest you look it over. ...

I would simplify the opening sentence. Avoid the in if you can too. Begin with nice, to the point past simple sentences. When you have an –ing it creates the ...