z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

The Reaper In Black -- Chapter Ten

by Sherri


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Opening the door, expecting a sleeping boy and a cold, unwelcoming house, she yawned and dropped the leather satchel she had been carrying. Her back turned from the living room, she closed and latched the door, not wanting any more of the vicious cold air to seep in.

"Momma...?" She heard the small whisper, and turned quickly. In her mind, she saw him dying on the floor, a bandit slicing his throat. Or another Reaper, here to make sure her legacy ended. Maybe even a wild animal that had broken through a window to eat her son.

Instead, she saw his sleepy, smiling face as he rubbed his eyes. He had fallen asleep in her chair by the fireplace--the fireplace that, surprisingly, had a raging fire within it--while doing something with a piece of metal, string, and a lot of fabric. 

"What are you doing in here? Why aren't you in bed?" She asked, taking off her tattered, snow-soaked coat, letting it fall to the floor. She held her arms out to him, frowning worriedly. He hopped up from the chair and ran clumsily over to her, ready to be scooped up after five months alone. His body, so small and cold despite the heat of the fire, shivered intensely. 

"I was making something, and fell asleep." He yawned, wrapping his small arms around her neck and burying his face into her dark hair. She bit her lip, holding him close, already dreading what she would have to do. She still had a while; he was seven, so that gave her about nine years. When the time came, however, she was sure she would cry miserably. The price for keeping him alive would nearly kill her; she was going to have to abandon him.

Forcing a smile, she walked over to the chair, sitting down and adjusting him in her lap. "What were you making?" The words seeped from her lips even as she bent over to pick up the item he had discarded to the frozen wood floor. 

"I was making you a coat. Your old one isn't doing very well, and you keep forgetting to buy another one, even when you get me another coat."

The cuteness of his innocence stabbed at her heart. She felt so guilty, and she still had all this time to go. What would she do with herself?

How would she be able to leave him alone?

*****

Glancing at the Queen from the corner of her eye, she considered the other woman as the Queen leaned back, exposing the line of her stomach. Eyebrows arcing, Evora noted that the Queen hadn't gained even a single pound; she was still the firm, fit leader that had governed over them for what seemed like an eternity. Had the Queen lied about her pregnancy? Or was it more that she simply did not show?

Demonic Luminex did not show their pregnancies since their children were born extremely small and grew rapidly. Considering this, Evora looked over the Queen's physical traits. Dark hair, violet eyes, tall structure, and pleasing facial expressions. However, most DLs were known to have white hair and paler, brighter eyes. Sure, violet was a common color, but the Queen's particular shade was far too dark.

Perhaps... a Reaper? But then, Reapers had silver eyes and white hair, no matter what. Unless they dyed it. This was because their very souls had altered to accept and transfer the souls of others; it basically replaced protein. This--for an unknown reason--cause the hair, eyes, and nails of the Reaper to turn a blinding shade of white and silver. The Queen didn't have any of those traits.

Maybe she could be a Celestial Luminex--No. She was far too devious to even consider it. CLs were the equivalent to an angel of all angels. Watching the Queen as she flipped through paperwork, lips pursed as she no doubt considered burning down the city in order to rid herself of the constant complaints, Evora was positive that the Queen was not a CL.

"What do you want, Evora?" The Queen sighed, putting her papers down on the dark wood table, looking directly at Evora. "You're staring at me like a hound to prey; it's making me nervous, if you could believe such a thing."

Evora smiled faintly. "Indeed, the very thought of you experiencing 'nervousness' strains my imagination." Clearing her throat, Evora finally returned her gaze to her own papers--which were study notes from all of her many recent experiments and expeditions--and flipped through them idly. She needed to form a report of her findings, submitting it to the Queen's archive master before the archive master sent them to the rest of the advisers. Eventually it would reach the Queen, and even farther down the metaphorical road of life would it be published to the Queen's personal library. Of course, the likelihood of her reports ever being published to the public--who could hardly read anyways--was so far below zero that it made the number feel proud.

"So? What is it? I can't work when you stare at me, and I certainly can't work while you stare at your papers, thinking about staring at me again." The Queen huffed, crossing her arms. Evora found herself blushing, since a thought that she should glance at the Queen again had just crossed her mind.

"It's just... how is your pregnancy going?" Evora fidgeted with her papers, folding and refolding the corners of a three-page summary of her experiment on whether or not frames of pictures could be interconnected to create a moving picture.

The Queen rolled her eyes, leaning back in her plush, feather-filled rotating chair, angling so that she could look at Evora and glance out the window behind her at the same time. Evora found this unsettling, and looked behind her to see if there was anything outside other than the depressing rain and the startling lightening strikes. How gloomy... and cliché. Having a conversation as serious as this one in such dreary weather sounded like a scene out of some dreadful mystery novel. "It's fine. Uneventful, even."

"Any kicks? It's been five months, so--"

"Evora, would you like to feel my belly?" The Queen asked flatly, uncrossing her arms to rest a hand on the table. Her fingers rapped against the wood, and her crossed legs twitched. She was definitely irritated.

Evora, swallowing hard at the Queen's spot-on guess, smiled warily. "If you wouldn't mind, I would very much like to do so."

"Is it a fascination with royal pregnancy or a query on whether or not I'm actually pregnant?"

"If one must be honest, then I'll admit to a little bit of both." Evora shrugged, standing up and walking over to the Queen. Falling to her knees as gracefully and calmly as she could, Evora tried to hide her giddiness. With a final glance up at her Queen for permission, Evora rested her hands on the Queen's stomach.

Instantly, there was a kick of frustration. Evora pulled back, falling from her balanced perch on her heels to her rump. Composing herself once more, she laughed nervously and put her hands back to the Queen's belly. "You really weren't expecting me to actually be pregnant, were you?" The Queen growled, eyes hooded.

"I had my doubts. You aren't showing your condition at all; I was worried you were just pulling our legs in an attempt at fun. I know how bored you get in this palace, my Lady."

The Queen's eyebrows shot up, lips twitching. Evora mentally went back over her words, wondering what she had said wrong. She couldn't think of anything...

"Evora, have you had enough yet?"

"Ah!" Evora removed her hands slowly, as not to disturb the baby--

Wait.

Evora knew she couldn't place her hands back onto her Queen, but she could have sworn she had felt a few too many kicks... it wasn't possible was it? That the Queen was pregnant with--

"Evora, sweet mercy, get off of the blasted floor!" The Queen groaned, snatching at Evora's ear and jerking her up. Standing, wobbly on her feet, Evora bowed, thanked the Queen, and returned to her seat. She didn't dare glance at Her Majesty, nor did she dare to ask the fatal question. She would have to investigate the Queen--again, may the natural forces have mercy on her tired soul--to get her answers. She already knew more about the Queen than her leader would be comfortable with, so it was best to sweep all of this under the rug now and have personal satisfaction at knowing the answers later.

Still... what if her prediction was right? What did that mean for what Evora had learned so far?

*****

Theta cursed, slipping her cut finger into her mouth while trying to maintain her balance on the backrest of a chair. "Irritating scum..."

Composing herself as best she could, Theta mounted the small device with the lens angled at the Queen's bed. She had to do this quickly... both for her employers own good, her own sanity, and the relief of the rest of the advisers. They needed to know, blast it. They needed to know.

Finished, she clasped the sharp metal clamps to a notch in the wall, carefully arranging the curtains that fell over the window so that the lens wouldn't be blocked whether the curtains were spread or closed. She also tried to make it to where the Queen would be unable to see the device unless she looked directly at it.

Ears perking, Theta froze when she thought she heard footsteps drawing near. Sweet mercy... what would the punishment for this be? Imprisonment for life? Execution? Torture? A shiver running down her spine, Theta carefully and quietly stepped down from the chair, making her way over to the double glass doors that led to the Queen's personal balcony. If she could make it outside, she could slide out of the top of her dress, giving her wings room to escape from the confines of her spinal cord and the flesh surrounding it.

Scampering like a mouse, Theta leaned down and took her high-heeled strapped shoes off, silently cursing their noisy rapping. The footsteps stopped, and she held her breath, staying absolutely still.

Suddenly, the footsteps turned into the pounding of someone sprinting. Theta's heart skipped several beats, a small yelp wrenching itself from her throat as she took off in a dead run--well, it was more of a lunatic's mad-dash, if she had to be honest with herself--for the balcony door. Blast this gigantic room and all of the blasted room decorations. Larana might be conservative, but she was still a Queen, and the place reeked of wealth.

The doors to the Queen's room burst open just as Theta cursed loudly and swung the balcony door open. At least, she tried. In her frantic attempts, she didn't realize the door was locked. Her hand slipped from the handle, and she punched herself in the face. She fell to her knees, whimpering. "That... that, like, never happens to people! It's the embodiment of something so cliché, it never happens!"

She heard someone snort, and turned to glare at them as she held her bleeding nose with her aching hand. She expected the Reaper, or maybe even the butler--no, wait, she hadn't seen him in ages--or Vyall. Instead, she saw Evora. And she wasn't supposed to be in this wing of the castle, either.

"What are you doing?" Evora chuckled, covering her mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. "You aren't supposed to be in this room."

"Well, neither of us are supposed to be in this section of the palace, so clam it up and pin it tight!" Theta hissed, waving her free hand in a motion for Evora to quiet down. "Guards circle around regularly, and we only have a few more minutes before--"

Evora held up a hand. "They won't be a problem."

"How so?"

"I tranquillized them. I needed something--or, in this case, several someones--to test it on, so..."

Theta gasped. "What if it hadn't worked?"

"Then I blame it on you, silly!" Evora grinned, rolling her eyes as if she were a teacher scolding a university student on not knowing 1st grade material. Theta's eyes bulged.

"You... you would actually do it, wouldn't you?"

Evora smiled brightly, pulling out a cloth napkin from her coat pocket and handing it to Theta. "Without a doubt." She then glanced up at the edge of the ceiling, directly at the device Theta had mounted. "Seems you've already done what I originally intended to. But... I marked my research on moving picture recorders as incomplete; how did you know I had finished a base model of the project?"

"I snooped through your stuff, Evora. That, and I know you; it never takes you more than a month to tear through a project. I knew you had to be finished with a prototype, at least."

Chuckling, Evora held out her hand, helping Theta up. "I see. But did you do it for the same reason as I would have?"

"I need to know the Queen's secrets. Both for my own personal gain, and for the gain of those around me."

"And what do you think her secret is?"

"I..." Theta hesitated, gripping Evora's arm as they made their way out of the Queen's room and exited her wing of the palace altogether. "I think... that the Queen isn't entirely... human. I don't think the Queen is human at all."


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131 Reviews


Points: 11451
Reviews: 131

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:27 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



I would simplify the opening sentence. Avoid the in if you can too. Begin with nice, to the point past simple sentences. When you have an –ing it creates the feeling as if you are continuing from somewhere while here you are beginning a new chapter. Also too many things going on in the same sentence, hence my suggestion to simplify it. With that said, it doesn’t start as abruptly as the previous thing I read. In fact it establishes things well. Just tweak the style and structure a little bit.

The moment she “imagines” the kid being killed, it’s not bad per say, but I think you need to work just a little bit more on the tension and build up to make it truly effective.
I am not too clear on what is happening in the fireplace. Maybe look it over and make sure you’re saying what you mean to say.

What are you doing in here? Why aren't you in bed?

‘Why aren’t you in bed’ would suffice. Else it is a bit repetitive.

Back to my first point, be careful with -ings. When you revise make them your target, see if you really need them every single time and whether you can go around them. They can be really useful but also tricky and treacherous. Same for adverbs. Keep an eye on those too, make sure they don’t run amok.

When you foreshadow her having to leave him, you overdid it a bit. I understand this is a huge issue but I would suggest being more subtle about it. Subtle tends to be better when you’re dealing with delicate or significant emotional issues.

You should look over his dialogue, he doesn’t always speak like a child. Use simple short sentences and words and it should work.

You repeat Queen too much. In that part you also have more exposition than necessary. Look it over, and make sure you don’t have rogue blocks of text. You can always partition it and weave it in pieces. Or better yet, show it though characters, interactions and events. I mean things like this:

Spoiler! :
Demonic Luminex did not show their pregnancies since their children were born extremely small and grew rapidly. Considering this, Evora looked over the Queen's physical traits. Dark hair, violet eyes, tall structure, and pleasing facial expressions. However, most DLs were known to have white hair and paler, brighter eyes. Sure, violet was a common color, but the Queen's particular shade was far too dark.
Perhaps... a Reaper? But then, Reapers had silver eyes and white hair, no matter what. Unless they dyed it. This was because their very souls had altered to accept and transfer the souls of others; it basically replaced protein. This--for an unknown reason--cause the hair, eyes, and nails of the Reaper to turn a blinding shade of white and silver. The Queen didn't have any of those traits.
Maybe she could be a Celestial Luminex--No. She was far too devious to even consider it. CLs were the equivalent to an angel of all angels. Watching the Queen as she flipped through paperwork, lips pursed as she no doubt considered burning down the city in order to rid herself of the constant complaints, Evora was positive that the Queen was not a CL.


It drags on for too long and thus breaks up the flow of the present action/narration.
After this point things start moving ok again.

I think you are overusing the breaks (*** these things). They are a nice little tool but be sparing with it. Sometimes a simple transition works much better.

So those are the issues I noticed, -ing verbs, adverbs, exposition. Else it’s good and the plot is moving on nicely. Just make sure the language and style flow alongside.




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:17 am
porcupinestrongwill wrote a review...



Hello, Sherri. Porcupine Strongwill here for a review. I would be nitpicking and commenting as I go.

Opening the door, expecting a sleeping boy and a cold, unwelcoming house, she yawned and dropped the leather satchel she had been carrying.


I'm not very convinced that this is the best start you can come up with. The two participial phrases-- one short, the other quite long-- doesn't do well. Maybe rush into the action at once: She opened the door, expecting blah blah... She was yawning as she dropped the blah blah blah...

"What are you doing in here? Why aren't you in bed?" #FF0000 ">she asked, taking off her tattered, snow-soaked coat, letting it fall to the floor.


Dialogue tag phrases are not separate sentences.

Glancing at the Queen from the corner of her eye, she considered the other woman as the Queen leaned back, exposing the line of her stomach.


A bit confusing. Who is the other woman? The Queen or Evora? Or are there three women?

"Evora, would you like to feel my belly?" #FF0000 ">the Queen asked flatly, uncrossing her arms to rest a hand on the table.


"Evora, sweet mercy, get off of the blasted floor!" #FF0000 ">the Queen groaned, snatching at Evora's ear and jerking her up.


And she wasn't supposed to be in this wing of the castle#FF0000 ">, either.


No comma.

"Then I blame it on you, silly!" Evora grinned, rolling her eyes as if she were a teacher scolding a university student on not knowing 1st grade material.
#0000FF ">(enter)
Theta's eyes bulged. #0000FF ">(delete enter)"You... you would actually do it, wouldn't you?"


#0040FF ">THOUGHTS

I think this was an interesting piece. I didn't know who the woman was at the first part because I haven't read any of the previous chapters, but I feel this urge to know who it is. The characters are intriguing and your narration doesn't fall short as well.

But please don't forget to review proper punctuation for dialogue tags: remember that they are attached to the direct quotation, not a separate sentence. Instead of using periods, one must use a comma. Take note of my example:

"You write well#FF0000 ">," she said.


Keep writing,
Porcey xoxo

Image




Sherri says...


Hey Porcupine! Thanks for the review; I meant to reply earlier, but I wanted to look up some things in your review.
I had some books on hand, both from New York Times Best Sellers and little-known authors, and looked through their books since some of your grammar advice didn't seem quite right to my memory. As it turns out, every book I read treated sentences after dialogue (I had no idea they were called dialogue tags... I'll have to start using that :D ) as separate sentences if the dialogue ended with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark. Dialogue can be ended with any usual sentence ending (like periods), and don't have to end in commas. I don't know if you were looking at an older form of proper grammar, or something else, but every reference I've looked at--Kindle books, paper backs, hard covers... from big names to small ones--used grammar similar to mine. I've always tried to be careful with my grammar, actually. I hate pieces that ignore the basic grammar of writing and try to use text talk or something unsophisticated like that. That's just my opinion... I'm rambling now, though, so I'll move on.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story! This is a very rough draft (it's also very simplified...) version of a book I plan to publish sometime in the near future. I wanted to see how the idea of the book was received :)
If you ever feel like it (it's a confusing story at times, and it takes time to read the previous chapters, so I don't blame you if you don't want to/don't have the time) the story makes a lot more sense if you read the older chapters. A lot of hints were revealed in this chapter, which might be why some of it seemed a little confusing or slow to you.
Thanks again for the review! I'll see what I can do about the slow beginning; I needed it kind of slow for effect, but I don't want it to drag itself all over the floor and ruin the flow! XD
Hope to see ya' around ;)




Stories don't end because you stopped paying attention.
— SJ Whitby