z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Misery or Humanity, Chapters 4 & 5

by rocketdog11


Runaways – Julia

Everything wound down after nine-thirty. The guests all began stumbling out. All of my father’s colleagues drank a little, the exception being Father. At least the women didn’t. They could drive their husbands home.

I helped Mother clean up after everyone, the Hemsworths hanging around but not really helping. After Mother dismissed me for the night, Daniel, under the watchful eye of Ross, took my hand and led me out to the patio. He stood there for a second, the sinking moon turning his hair silver.

“Julia, I’m glad we’re going to prom together. I really enjoy that.”

I looked away, at the rippling grass, the ruffling of the weeping willow. “Me too, Daniel.”

“Hope we get to see each other before then,” He twirled his necklace pendant around a finger.

“Probably.” I didn’t want him to muster too much confidence.

He glanced over his shoulder to Ross, who wasn’t paying attention at the moment. He was eating something out of the fridge.

“This is my chance,” I heard him say under his breath. His hand clasped my other hand, and now we were standing face-to-face, almost eye-to-eye. “I’m not going to regret this.”

He leaned closer to me, and I could see what he was going to do. I took my hands out of his and placing them on his chest, pushed him gently away.

“No, Daniel. My mother would have a stroke if she saw me doing that. And Ross is staring.”

Daniel turned, glaring through the glass-paneled door at his brother, who cracked up the minute their eyes locked. Daniel’s face flushed.

“Julia, I…” His voice was husky.

“Never mind. Let’s go.” I took his hand and led him back into the kitchen, where Ross tousled his brother’s hair, grinning and looking like he was going to burst into laughter any minute.

“Dude,” He punched his brother on the arm. “You totally tried to make a move on her.”

Daniel blushed a violent scarlet.

After the Hemsworths left, I made my way upstairs. My calves were killing me. Once I had made it into my room, I kicked my shoes off, collapsing onto the bed. I didn’t even have the energy to change. On my bedside table, my phone buzzed. A text message. Rolling over, I picked it up and looked at the screen. It was Blaine’s number. He had tried to call me twice, and had texted me two minutes ago, the message simply saying Call me.

I dialed it, hearing it ring three times before he picked up.

“Blaine here,”

“Hey, Blaine. It’s Julia. You wanted me to call you, right?”

“Oh, yeah. I tried, but you didn’t pick up.” I detected a tightness in his voice.

“I’m sorry, Blaine. Mother’s a total neat freak, so I was helping straighten up.” Guilt pulled at my mind; I had been with Daniel for at least ten minutes, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Blaine that.

“Oh, well. That’s okay then. Anyway, about why I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah. Hit me. But don’t ask me to meet you anywhere. Mother would flip.”

“I wasn’t about to. I wanted to pitch you an idea.” His voice crackled, as if he’d entered a bad reception zone.

“Okay. But tell me fast. Your signal’s going.”

I heard him take a deep breath. “I…okay. I was thinking that there’s somewhere that people aren’t Elite or Common. They’re just people. Good old people, like they used to have before our grandparents.”

“Blaine, there’s very few of them left. It’s a really tiny town out in the middle of Idaho, I think. They’re about seventy or more years behind.”

“Well, maybe not that far. Somewhere where there’s a little less distinction. Does that sound better?”

I sat up, straightening my dress. “I don’t know what you’re getting at here.”

“I want to get away for a while, Jules. Like away away. Maybe you don’t really know, because you’re not Common, but it’s hard being one. I hate it.”

That stung me slightly. I ran a nervous hand through my hair.

“Blaine, that isn’t your fault. Being Common I mean. That’s just the way you were born.”

“Don’t say that, Jules. Who do you think I am?”

It might have been my imagination, but he sounded angry. “I-I don’t know, Blaine. That’s what my mother always tells me.”

“Mothers. They’re a funny thing, Jules. They can tell you stuff that isn’t real because they know you’ll believe them. It’s a way of life. Mothers can do things like that.”

I couldn’t keep the annoyed tone out of my voice. “My mother would never lie to me. She may be a control freak, but I still love her.”

“How can you be so sure, Julia? And I’m running away. Tonight.”

“Blaine…” I could feel tears bubbling up. “Don’t…let’s at least talk about this…face to face.”

He didn’t reply. A second later, I heard the line go dead. What was I going to do now? Tears blurred my vision, and my throat felt tight. I threw the phone down, only to pick it up again to send him a text. Meet me at Gruber Park tomorrow. 11:30. Please, Blaine.

That was all I could do. He would have to talk to me then.

A Disagreement – Blaine

Turns out I didn’t run away. Not quite yet. Julia had sent me a message. We were meeting in the park. I was up bright and early and drove to Gruber Park, stopping for breakfast and coffee. At the designated time, I was there, sitting at the same spot we always met. Julia found me a couple minutes later, looking flustered. She’d only thrown a coat on over her dress from last night, and there were circles under her eyes, like she hadn’t slept. Regret stung me. I wished I hadn’t hung up on her.

“Blaine, so glad you’re safe. This is about the phone call.”

“Listen, Jules, I’m sorry I hung up on you last night. I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”

She raked a hand through her tangled hair. “I was up worrying about you.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

Julia shook her head and bit her lip. “No, it’s all right.”

“Come on, Julia. I know when there’s something wrong. What’s up?”

“Well…” She rubbed the necklace. That was what she always did when she was nervous. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you, Blaine. You know what happens when someone’s caught leaving the perimeter. I mean, it seems so big now, but when you really think about it, they don’t want anybody leaving.”

I knew. My Common friends and I had snuck out there once, junior year. We had all jumped into a car one Saturday night and seen the barrier. It was a high concrete wall, guarded very closely by Common and Elite. There was only one door on either end, and it was put under heavy watch.

“If there’s a way under it, that would work.”

“Not that I’ve seen. And why are you running away anyway?”

I stared into her intense green eyes. They were sad, and shining.

“I can plan the rebellion from there. Then the government won’t squash it as soon as it’s started.”

“Can’t you keep it a secret?” A tear escaped her eye, glittering like crystal in the light.

“It’s not that simple, Julia.”

“You can make it simple, Blaine. I’ve seen you do it before.” I saw anguish in her eyes.

“Not this time.” I felt bad about being cold to her. She was really the only true friend that I had.

“Please, Blaine. There must be another way.”

“I’m sorry, Julia. This is the only way.”

“Then I want to help you. There’s no way I’m going to let my best friend get hurt.”

I turned in surprise. “You want to what?”

“Help you. Help yourself.”

“This isn’t just for me, Jules.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s for all of you. And us. Just think. The Elites and Commons could live together. There’d be peace. No more war, no more fighting, no more of that stupid bickering. It would be different. Just like old times.”

“We don’t want it like old times.” I snapped, slightly harsher than I had intended.

“You don’t? Then what do you want?” Julia looked hurt. I could have kicked myself.

“Equality. No more segregation. Demolish the walls that divide us.”

Julia dropped her gaze to her feet. She brushed her dress, “I said that. We would be equal.”

I didn’t say anything then. That was hardly true. If we lived together, the former Elites would still treat us like we were nothing. Only they would have to look at us. The whole point of this uprising was so that the Commons could prove something about themselves. That we weren’t just pushovers. We’d had enough, and were ready to do anything to show those Elites what we were made of.

“Just think about it, all right? We can even compromise. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it.” As soon as I said that I knew it was a lie. I already had a plan solidified in my head.

She smiled through the strain on her face. I could see tear tracks on her cheeks. Even now I wonder why I didn’t back out of it right then and there. She trusted me. I could sense it. And now what was I going to do? Ruin it. Destroy it. Break it down. Hurt everyone else in the process. From where she had been sitting on the ground in front of me, Julia got up onto her knees and threw her arms around me, burying her face in my shoulder. I squeezed her back, feeling her slight body against mine. We didn’t let go for a long time. I felt so safe here in Julia’s arms, smelling her hair. It was faintly lavender.

Finally, she pulled away and stood up. I stared into her eyes, seeing worry, panic, and desperation, as well as a soft look that only she got when she was tired.

“We’ll be okay, Julia.” I stood up, rubbing her upper arms. “You just wait and see. Nothing will happen to us.”

“I hope you’re right,” She scrubbed at her eyes one last time before turning to depart.

As she slowly trudged away, I wanted to see her face before we said goodbye.

“Jules, wait,”

Julia turned, her eyes in a sideways glance to look at me over her shoulder.

I crooked the edge of my mouth into a smile. “See you soon.”

She smiled a little. “See you, Blaine.”


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131 Reviews


Points: 11451
Reviews: 131

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 10:00 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



Work on your opening paragraph some more. It starts ok, but stumbles towards the end. The second sentence is vague, you can expand on it. And the ones after have a funky chronology and questionable significance. So year look into it. Make it more visual. (Same for paragraph two.)

You have the foundation of something good, but you got to build on it. Things are happening too fast so slow down, focus on what is happening, imagine the characters and draw them for us. You have the movements and actions they take already, all you need to do is give them life. No real way to ‘fix’ this, just read, and read a lot.

Work on your transition too, make sure every scene is properly concluded before you move on to the next. Things like this:

“Dude,” He punched his brother on the arm. “You totally tried to make a move on her.”
Daniel blushed a violent scarlet.
After the Hemsworths left, I made my way upstairs.

Need better transition.

I know I haven’t read the previous chapters and I am not too well informed about the story, but I am getting the feeling you have too many characters. Maybe I am wrong. But still it would be a nice exercise to write down the character summaries and character roles and see if things overlap. Supporting character roles are often overlooked but important. They often define the personalities and course of action the characters play, as well as give you a hint of the possible conflicts. It’s not all that major, but it’s good to have it in mind. Know where each character stands and what role they are to play in the story.

Spoiler! :
http://timstout.wordpress.com/graphic-novel-writing/eight-character-roles/
http://learn.lexiconic.net/characters.htm
http://thescriptlab.com/screenwriting/c ... cter-roles


Read over your dialogue to make sure you need every line and that it flows naturally.

So that’s pretty much it. Keep up the good work.




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767 Reviews


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Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:14 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Rocket, Wolf here for a review.

So, since there are two chapters here, I'm going to split up the review between the chapters, and as soon as I finish reading a chapter, I'll review it as I usually would and the move on, so I might ask questions that get answered. Though, for future parts, I recommend you stick with what you did before and only uploading one chapter at a time.

~Chapter 4~

Basically, in this chapter we kind of get another look at Julia's love life. I found it adorable at Daniel's attempt at trying to kiss Julia, but I don't see why he would do it. Really,
I didn't see it was a very romantic moment. So, I can see the reasoning in Julia's argument to Daniel.

I like how we see more of Julia's personality in this. You do a great job with character development, showing how she really cares for Blaine and worries about him. She does her absolute best to try to convince him that this isn't the right thing to do and that he shouldn't worry about the Common/Elite problem. The stakes are really building up and I can't wait to see what's next.

~Chapter 5~

So here we learn about the Perimeter and how there's a giant wall that makes Blaine's escape a little bit harder than he had hoped. I'm interested in knowing why these people have to be kept in there? I can understand that they don't want to lose their workforce but I have a feeling that there is something else behind it.

One thing I'm not too sure about is Blaine's utter confidence in this rebellion. He should have at least a little doubt in the plan, because it's obviously not going to be a cake walk to over throw the entire government. Also, I wish we were exposed more into the plan, since this is in first person, we should be hearing his thoughts, no?

Either way, I stilled enjoyed it and I'm eagerly waiting more! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare





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